This is the advice I would give. Lots of people will paint a broad brush and tell you, “Oh, since X worked for me and works for lots of kids, you must be doing it wrong if it doesn’t work for you.” That’s absolutely not true. If it doesn’t work for you and your kid, it doesn’t work and all the well-meaning advice in the world won’t magically make it happen. Do what feels right to you (especially during that first few months when they’re not yet capable of manipulation) and what works, not what other people say should work.
Oh, the other thing - be flexible. This is ancillary to the above. There are things you’ll find yourself compromising on even though when you saw someone else raising their kid, you stoutly swore you never would. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Unfortunately, your baby hasn’t read all the childrearing books you might have, so they may have different ideas about what you must and must not do.
Thanks, guys! For some reason, the whole thing became real in the last week or so, and I started thinking, “Holy crap. There’s going to be a human being whose life I’m reponsible for.” I can’t get over the fact that they’re going to hand me a kid and I’m going to take it home and everyone is going to assume that we’re going to figure things aout!
I’m taking all of this advice seriously, and have already ordered all of the books suggested. I know that I can’t actually take all of this advice, as some of it contradicts other, but it’s nice to see that there really isn’t a right answer.
Personally, I think I’ll be good with toddlers and little kids, but hopeless with infants and teenagers.
I know you asked for one piece of advice, and I’ve already given one, but I have another one. People say “don’t treat your kids like pets”, but there are a few military/pet-like commands that a parent should probably instill for safety purposes. “Stay”, “Halt”, and “Freeze” are the primary ones. Once the kids have those commands down, don’t use them without good reason. My teenager still freezes when I say “FREEZE!” because he knows that if I say that, there’s something he’s about to step on, etc., that could be dangerous. Same for “Stay” and “Halt”. “Stay” means Stay Here (generally while I investigate), and “Halt” means “not another step”. “Freeze” is the most extreme, because it is “Don’t move a muscle even if you are hurting or in an uncomfortable position”. They’re safety issues that could save a life. I much prefer those three commands to the leash that some parents attach to their kids. shudder Some would consider this piece of advice extreme, and a lot won’t agree, but it has saved my younger son’s life.
I’ll agree with others that consistency and follow through are key. This sounds way easier than it is. You will be tired. You will be distracted. You will, after all, have to continue to do everything you’re already doing, and take care of a kid too. You will not be perfect.
And that’s okay. I can give you a thousand or so examples of times that I was not a perfect parent. I’ve forgotten a few thousand more. And yet, so far, my daughter shows no signs of becoming a serial killer.
It’s been a long time since I had a newborn, so I’m not sure I’m much help there, but let me offer you some very premature advice for dealing with older kids and teenagers. They need to know that you love them, but love ain’t always soft and cuddly. They need to know that you will *always *help them, but you will *never *cover or make excuses for them. They need to know that if they are honest and respectful, they’ll get the same, and if they’re not, you will make absolutely certain that they suffer commensurate consequences. You certainly won’t have a perfectly happy kid, but eventually you’ll have a responsible adult.
Try not to fight with toddlers over food. Have you ever seen an American toddler starve? It just can’t happen unless you work at it.
We read a book by T. Berry Brazelton that spelled out just what a toddler needs daily - a pint of milk or equivalent cheese or yogurt, two ounces of protein with iron (meat, an egg, or fortified cereal) fruit or a glass of orange juice and a multivitamin to cover the vegetables they aren’t eating.
It’s not child abuse, it’s not going to teach your child that they can’t depend on you, it’s not going to cause your child to become a serial killer later in life. You’ll have to deal with some people acting like you’re the Worst Person Ever for doing so, but you’ll be spending your evenings with your wife while those folks are lying in their four-year-old child’s bed for two hours each night, since that’s the only way their kid will fall asleep now.
It’ll be the suckiest couple of nights ever, but it’s beyond worth it.
I’m not a parent, but I play one at work (preschool teacher).
Remember to always raise your kids to be adults. Treat them as adult-like as you possibly can. If you’re balancing your checkbook, show them what you’re doing. If you’re cooking, show them the process. If the kid wants to make a mistake that won’t really harm him that badly (like staying up too late), let him do it and the harsh world will be his teacher. Encourage them to try things they’ve never tried before. Instill in them the idea that change and new opportunities are to be welcomed, not shied from. Remember, the whole point of teaching kids to do things is so they can do it without you. If you neglect this strategy, you’ll have infant-adults going off to college or the work force who will subsequently fail at life.
And, for Og’s sake, reteach them what they learned in school! When Billy learns addition or spelling words for the first time, help with the homework and reteach it to him! Pound those essential facts into him so they won’t be forgotten.
As for the first few years, remember that negative punishment is the most effective strategy. When the kid is really, truly defiant and you feel like you have nothing left to try, take away something that they need you to provide. Like TV time or their favorite toy. That’s how you regain control.
In a battle of wills with your toddler, patience and a level head reign supreme.
They push your buttons in so many ways and constantly test their limitations with you. Remain calm, be clear, be consistent. Never lower yourself to their level in a conflict. I’ve seen parents in all out shouting/crying matches with their kids. They forget their kid is a kid, take it personally, and then try to go head-to-head offensively and defensively with their own child.
Be short and to the point.
“No. Do not throw your toys.”
Works better than “Agh, what are you doing, don’t throw your robot at the dog, that will hurt him, how would you like it if he threw something at you, and you’re going to break it also, your aunt Mary gave it to you, and you better not hit the lamp and break that also.”
Just remember that a newborn or infant (up to about 1 year) should probably not be left to “cry it out”. A four year old? Sure. A newborn doesn’t cry for no reason, or to manipulate you.
Transition, transition, TRANSITION! Little kids don’t know how long an hour or minute is, but they sure know what ‘less time’ and ‘more time’ are. If you have to go to grandma’s house in an hour and the kid is playing with…whatever…you’ve got to announce it. E.g. “Lynn, in one hour, we’re going to grandma’s house.” then later “Lynn, in 10 minutes, we’re going to grandma’s house.”, etc.
The second part of this should be specific, clear instructions. If you only said the above lines, you’d find a kid still playing when it’s time to go. Ask for comprehension or even for them to repeat the instructions. Give only 3 or 4 tasks at a time.
Bad instructions “Clean up your room.”
Good instructions “Make your bed, put the action figures on the shelf, place all your clothes in the hamper. Come get me when you’re done with that. Understand?”
Bad instructions “We’re going to grandma’s house in an hour.”
Good instructions “You have one hour to keep playing video games, then we’re going to be leaving. You need to comb your hair, put your shoes on and get your coat. OK?”
They almost never fight you when you’ve warned them of impending changes to their activity. Almost never…
Totally disagree. It doesn’t work with every child. We tried it with my eldest and after two hours a night of sobbing until he retched, I couldn’t do it anymore. He slept with us until he was 18 months, then we slowly transitioned him to his crib using the No Cry Sleep Solution. We developed a consistent bedtime routine and refused to deviate (barring illness or injury). By the time he was 2, he went down to sleep peacefully without a problem. He sometimes crawls into bed with us now at age 3, but that’s not a big deal to us. In fact, we like snuggling with our sleeping kids. It’s really sweet and warm and close and comforting, and we know we’ll miss it when they’re older.
So my “single” piece of advice is: Do what feels right for you and your family. Nothing works the same for every family.
I may have had a different experience because my daughters had colic. That means that babies that have it cry uncontrollably for several hours a day and during the night. There is no known cause and it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with the baby although it will make you feel like a bad and desperate parent. Parents of newborns with colic have to try different solutions but there is no one cure and maybe none at all. They just have to grow out of it but it is very stressful during that time. Some scientists and doctors believe that it is caused by an immature nervous system or immature digestive system. It creates great stress on the parents for a few weeks or months though and it isn’t uncommon.
Especially in the weeks following childbirth, take care of your wife. Make sure she eats and sleeps when she can and above all, let her know how much you love her as a separate person. Even if she doesn’t have post-partum depression, if she’s anything like I was after having my firstborn, she might be feeling a little loony or weepy or just plain pushed aside.
Take care of yourself, too, even if it means having a friend over to play pass the baby or taking 15 minutes to do nothing at all while the baby is sleeping (and before you get some much-needed sleep, too).
Everyone’s focus shifts when you have a baby - it’s all your friends or family will talk about (“How’s the baby? What’s the baby doing?”), so it’s nice to take a little time for yourself and remember you still exist.
Most all of this is great advice. I’d pick one or two I disagree with, but I don’t want to needlessly derail this thread.
One piece of advice and an observation:
No baby ever died from crying. If you are at wits end, tired, angry, whatever, there’s NOTHING wrong with putting your child in a safe place and steping out on to the back porch til you regain some zen.
There is a HUGE INDUSTRY that makes it’s money by surrounding childrearing with fear. It’s important to remember that when the OBGYN is counseling you on testing for downs syndrome (1 in 150 chance) when they add that the Amniocentesis has a 1 in 250 chance of causing negative effects. Remember it when you see Purel disenfectant. Remember it when folks talk about Stranger Danger and ohmigod, you’re only using ONE LANGUAGE IN THE HOME? He’s 24 months old, you mean he doesn’t know his letters yet? You’re not teaching him how to swim? What kind of evil terrible negligent parent are you!?!?
But if you hear the words** norovirus**, wash your hands. religiously. Having it run (heh) through the daycare is a pretty serious thing to deal with.
“Cry it out” may work when/if you try it, and it may not. Our experience has led me to believe that it is possible to try implementing this too early, before it has any realistic chance of working. We gave up on it after a miserable week, and our daughter puts herself to sleep just fine now; I think we tried it before she was ready, and I believe we were right to abandon it.
The adverse affects predicted by some have not materialized.
Oh, we never used cry-it-out, and all of ours slept just fine. But I am laid-back about sleeping issues. And honestly, once they clear the toddler age, all of this “cry it out?? or not?? what shall I do about my child’s sleeping?!?!?” becomes a distant memory and not such a big fat hairy deal anymore. I used to care very deeply about this topic, and have probably posted on past threads with my deeply heartfelt opinion, but these days, meh. Do your thing.
Actually, that’s my piece of parenting advice: Do your thing. It’s not going to be the same thing as your sister’s thing, or your friend’s thing, or some random Doper’s thing, but that’s OK. It’s your thing.
