Only Children

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I’m the middle child of 3 kids. When we were growing up we had quite the sibling rivalry. We’d fight like mad and mom would say, “Just you wait…when you grow up you’ll be the best of friends.” MY response was always, “No way! I hate him!”. But she was right. We’re very close. In fact, my brother is younger than I am but he acts like an older brother and watches out for me. I love that!

It’s great to have brothers and sisters. But there is no reason that you HAVE to have them. What I hate is this: I know a married couple who don’t want kids and people won’t leave them alone about it. The people that bug them say that it’s selfish not to want kids but I don’t get why that is selfish. I firmly believe that if you don’t want kids (I mean, not want them at all, or not have any more)it’s nobody’s business.

MaryAnn
More woman than you’ll ever inflate!

22

I was an only child… for two and a half years. Oldest of three, speaking. I remember when my sisters would make pests of themselves, and I’d think “God, would I love to be an only child again.” Of course, I got along with them much better once I’d moved out, but still… thinking back to the idyllic days of my very early childhood before my sister put in her first appearance… I still miss that sometimes.

Modest? You bet I’m modest! I am the queen of modesty!

23

I am effectively an only child. The oldest daughter, (17 years older than me) Brad’s mom, who I mentioned in another thread, moved out before I was a year old, then moved back in with her daughter, and was ultimately gone when I was three or so. The other daughter, (12 years older) moved out when I was five and stayed gone.

Well said.
It was not a good experience for me, but that was also due to the fact that we lived in a very isolated area: no other kids within walking distance, or even a convenient drive, and my parents alternated between ignoring me, abusing me, and throwing money at me to show they were good parents.
Mr. Rilch was a full-fledged only, and we have a common thread. Adults like teachers, coaches, and group leaders often assume, when you’re not getting along with your peers, that you are the spoiled tyrant troublemaker. In fact, it’s the opposite: children with siblings have learned both to accept frustration and to assert themselves. Onlies have to work to acquire this, but so often, adults, instead of trying to guide onlies towards appropriate behavior, take the attitude that onlies are evil and must be stopped.
Also, I realize that manny people with siblings wish they were onlies, and I’m aware that a crowded family can have its own trauma. I was at a party a few weeks ago, and three people in the group were telling anecdotes about their bratty younger siblings. Finally, I had to say something, because all the anecdotes were slanted towards the younger siblings being at fault for everything. I said, “Hey, Middle Sister used to slap me around when she was high, and I wasn’t doing anything more annoying than [host’s daughter] over there. It’s not always the younger kid’s fault.” They all backed down and admitted that that was wrong, and they’d never hit their sibs.
However, tatertot. your reasons are well stated, and it sounds like this is the best decision for you. You sound like a good parent, and your son will have a good life as an only.
Mr. Rilch and I want to have kids, but only when we’re emotionally, financially, and geographically ready. And then we want to adopt.

Remember, I’m pulling for you; we’re all in this together.
—Red Green

24

My parents got married late. My mom was 34. She had a child 2 years before me,but he died. She was 40 when I was born. My son is an only child,obviously,for those who know,I wasn’t going to try to get pregnant again by my husband with AIDS. I’m 40 now. Unless a husband comes along soon,I don’t think I’ll be having any more. I don’t want more,at my age.(I don’t want to give birth again,that is). My friends always loved coming over. No siblings to pester us!

25

I agree with MaryAnneQ. I also grew up with a younger brother and we hated each other, but at the same time we were very close. (I’m 29, he’s 25) We have grown up to be great friends and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

However, when I eventually spawn, we only want one. My boyfriend’s sister has one child and he is the most well-adjusted nine-year-old I’ve ever met. They spend a lot of time with him, so he’s not just in his bedroom all of the time and they talk to him like he’s a person and not a child, so he’s growing up to be quite mature.

So, I think as long as you spend time with your only child, he won’t have a chance to be lonely. It gives you more of a chance to focus on raising your child and not constantly breaking up fights between the siblings because there will be no sibling rivalry.

26

tater,no theres no shortage of children. In fact,I believe we have an overpopulation problem. When I was little,tho,I was the only single child in the neighborhood. All families had at least 3. meredith: This is so true!I always enjoyed talking with adults,and my son is the same way too!

27

Even though I grew up with three older siblings, they had all left by the time I was a teen. So I was kind of an “only teen”. I had nobody to blame for things broken or missing around the house. (Kinda like marriage, too).

Being the last had its perks, too. When I was caught doing something I shouldn’t, my punishments were usually more lenient than my siblings got for the same activity. They wore my parents down!

Like when I took little samples from their liquor (and combined into a vile “suicide” drink), they almost laughed. It was obvious to them that the levels were going down. But it seems that one of my sisters did the same thing, but put water back in the bottles. My dad finally caught on after having a Vermouth & Water instead of a martini.

28

( I’ve just deleted about 1 hours worth of possibly the most incoherent ramblings I would have ever posted (regarding this subject which I’ve witnessed in my own life). I should get a Nobel Prize for Editing and slapping myself in the face to bring me back to reality.)

Can you spoil and only child without trying?

Yes, but only if you are supremely insecure with yourself, your relationship with your spouse and your choices in life to 1) have one child (If this is something within your control and not infertility issues) b) to work and put the child in daycare.

Set reasonable rules and punishment for your son that you and your husband agree on. When he oversteps the boundaries, follow up with the appropriate action.(You would think this is a no brainer.)Children need and are happier within the structure of reasonable boundaries.

Do no overcompensate your having to work late with “I’ll buy him a toy.” mentality. You cannot buy their love through gifts. After awhile, they will expect the gifts all the time and become resentful when you didn’t buy the better toys and gizmo’s. ( I know you know this already you are smart, you post here, but there are newbies and dipshits out there who haven’t gotten the message. Bear with me while I’m on the soap box.)

The most important thing you can do for your child is spend time with them.( TV and movies do not count.Board and card games are big points of popularity.) The second most important thing you can do is to let go of their hand and see if they can swim on their own. Don’t put your failed hopes and dreams on the young shoulders of your child.

As for wondering if you should have a second little one. Only you can decide on that. Your son will find his outlet for siblings through classmates, neighbors, cousins, pets and if need be, (what I still use to this day) a whole slew of imaginary friends. :slight_smile: Sure, he will miss out on charming little things like " MOOOOM , HE’S STARING AT ME AGAIN MAKE HIM STOOOOP." but this will be one less thing to discuss in therapy anyways. :slight_smile:

One of our neighbors have one boy, who is 11. Whether they cannot have more or didn’t want another one is none of my business and I will never ask such a rude question. His parents are professional dog trainers on the weekend and have white collar jobs during the week. This kid is incredibly articulate, thoughtful and I cannot tell you how many times I have had a normal conversation with him and haven’t had to catch myself explaining something or talking down to his level because he is that mature. ( Or maybe I’m really that immature. It’s a tough call.)He is this way because he spends so much time with adults, but he has his friends. AND, this kid is a friggin’ genius with dogs. He made my dog, Murphy the Indifferent, do every single command the first time he met her.

If people are so rude to ask you when you are going to have another child, there are a variety of responses that I have, all rude, because a rude question deserves a rude answer:
1)My husband has a low sperm count.
2)Wow, I didn’t know our reproductive organs were worthy of your scrutiny. Honey, so and so is talking about your dick with her husband.She seems to think there is something wrong with it. Why don’t you whip it out…

Anyways. You’re son will grow up just fine as a solo child.

(I’m the youngest of five and was partially spoiled, but I deserved it :slight_smile: )

29

Manda Jo brought up a point that I had recently been mulling over…

I’m an only child. My father died a few years ago at 76. My mother is still going strong, but, well, she ain’t quite so spry anymore. I was thinking that, when she goes, then I’m it.

Yes, I have a son. But having a sibling seems to me like it would sort of “continue the family.”

I’ve heard it said that people should have at least two kids so that they could do the “right” things with the second kid that they didn’t do with the first. That makes me feel like I was a dress rehearsal or something.

Also, it’s been my experience that only kids don’t get “spoiled.” Over-protected, maybe. I also seem to recall that onlies rebel more strongly when they each that breaking-away point sometime in their teens.

And, I seem to recall that onlies tend to have greater communication skills. Probably because we communicated with adults more often.

One last thing—I think my 30th birthday was coming up, and my dad asked what I wanted. I said, “A little brother.” He told me to look up the directions to a monastery for short guys.

30

One thing I am worried about, and that a few of you have mentioned, is that when my husband and I get old my son will feel all alone. We are saving for our retirement, so that we can afford to pay for adequate care so as not to be a financial/time burden on him. Also, I take care of my niece in the mornings, so it’s kind of like he’s got half a sibling. They fight like real siblings at least :slight_smile:

Another thing that really bothers me (and again a few of you have mentioned it) is that everything “naughty” my son does is blamed on being an only child. Honestly, I really don’t see him as being any more spoiled than your average child. He does have more material things than most of the other children around here (again I blame the grandparents), but we certainly don’t indulge his every whim and let him run wild.

And I’m still wondering why complete strangers feel this need to tell me that I should have another child. Why do they care? They’re never going to see me again!

31

I’m the youngest of 4, and talk about spoiled, hoo-boy! I moved out of mom’s house when I was 27. She paid for 2 schools (community college and culinary), paid off most of my car, and never asked for rent. My sibs all took off a year or two after high school. Fools.
The only problem I have noticed with only children-they can’t handle pain. My brother beat the tar out of me (to this day, I can’t round a corner without thinking there’ll be a fist or pillow or “clothesline”) and I beat the tar out of him. Just a love tap, really!
Besides, how will you survive in this world if you don’t know what “two for flinching” means?

I’ll be there
Where I’ll teach what I’ve been taught
And I’ve been taught…

32

Tatertot, if you have one child by choice, people look at you odd and think either something is really WRONG with you to want only one child and HOW COULD YOU KEEP HIM FROM THE JOYS OF HAVING SIBLINGS?

If you have more than the prescribed two kids, then people look at your little trio and figure the littlest was a mistake. GOD FORBID you have four or more because you will be looked at as some kind of religious zealout who gets pregnant and stays pregnant because it is your job to people the earth with your begatted offspring.

Either way, you can’t win.

Regarding the Grandparents and the constant gift giving: It’s a pain. I know, I’m there myself. The flip side is that they are very involved with my son and want to do this because they can. I cannot fight it and they do not expect me to return the clothes they constantly buy for him to their house when he spends the night. The toys stay at their house. He is learning so much from them that it is a trade off really.

Oh and the saving for your retirement and that nasty gray area of " what if you need a nursing home…" There is something out there called “Nursing Home Insurance” ( or at least that’s what my mom refers to it as.) You can buy a policy/program for the length of time you want ( say three years maximum).Call a high end nursing home and ask an administrator there about it. It is an excellent choice for a peace of mind for the elderly. You are too young to think about that, but a good life insurance policy and stuffing your IRA is an excellent path in the right direction.

33

I’ve avoided this thread until now, because I didn’t really have time to say anything. Somehow, I’ve managed to pare it down to the essentials.

I’m an only child. I wouldn’t have it any other way. In order to decide whether or not you should have another child, you should examine the personality that your child has. Can he play alone for long periods of time without getting bored, or does he need people around to keep him stimulated? If he’s the latter, a sibling may not be a bad idea. I was a very private child, and having a sibling intrude on that would not have been the best idea.

34

Two suggestions for the rude question:

Blank stare & say, “I think that is a decision for my husband and me to make for ourselves.”

“We can only afford one child. If you are willing to contribute $500 per month to our finances for the next 21 years and guarantee his/her college tuition, we’ll be glad to try for another child”

35

Sometimes. I was an only child and I got NO attention. Literally. My psychologist once set up a deal with my mom where she had to spend one hour a week with me. My mom called it off two weeks later.

–
O p a l C a t
www.opalcat.com

36

i think you should have as many kids as you desire to have. If that number is one, so be it - it is no one else’s business.
That said, I will interject a few of my own insights as to not being an only child, my experience being grossly different from any presented in this thread.
i am the only child of my parents, who divorced when I was two. My parents remarried when I was six. At the age of seven, I was the only child. Until my brother arrived, and it took me forever to get used to his presence. By the time I was happy to have him around, he was dead, unexpectedly. My sister was stillborn a year before my brother was born. Hence, at the age of twenty-one, I became an only child. Earlier in my childhood I had wondered what it would be like to be the only one, ALWAYS. And now I know, in a way, what it is like. My experience with only children is that they are extremely personable and likeable beings because of their desire to connect with others in a way their parents do not provide. On the other hand, they also have a way of turning any situation around and making it all about themselves (as I have done by replying). The biggest regret I have about not having living siblings is that I do not have anyone to be an uncle or an aunt to my (futuristic) children and will have to rely on the family of my SO to provide this. As well, I have friends of my family who have horrid stories to tell about people leaving their parents in awful homes and not taking care of them, complete with admonishments that this is not something that will be accepted of ME. And the only response I have to give is that - “HEY! There are FOUR of you and ONE of me! Could a girl get a break around here? MAYBE?”
Anyway, LSS, I would like to have as many children as possible between now and 35 so that my children don’t feel as lost in the world as I do, without people who knew you before your friends did and can tell them and your children about all the stupid and grand things you did when you were very young.

37

Thanks everybody for posting, you’ve really given me a lot to think about. I’m wondering, for those of you who are only children and unhappy about it. Do you think that your childhood would have been better with siblings or would it have just been more of you to be miserable.

My son seems pretty happy now, but after reading some of this, I’m a little worried. What if he grows up feeling all alone and lost in the world? Am I burdening him with unreasonable expectations? Sometimes I feel like I bend over backwards to make him as unspoiled as possible, to disprove the negative stereotypes.

Oh man, I started this thread as kind of a gripe-fest, but now I’m worried! Geez, thanks a lot guys…

38

Another only here. There was a certain amount of pressure(all the focus), but I was not spoiled and I don’t recall being particularly lonely. Occasionally I envied the kids with siblings because they had “partners in crime”–their sibs provided alibis and such. Ultimately, it helped me be more self-reliant. And what’s with people who can’t stand to be alone? I enjoy it. Is that good or bad?