I have a friend who has been in an open marriage for quite a long time now. He and his wife adore one another and have two lovely kids. What I want to know is how do open marriages work out? What is the main reason some people have open marriages? Any and all info as long as it’s not too TMI for you is welcome.
Best guess would be that the people in the marriage don’t equate sex and love. Probably they were both pretty into the sex scene before meeting and each understood that sex was nothing more than a hobby, not something that’s “infidelity” per se.
I know a few people who describe their relationship as an “open” one. Each of them has a different idea of what that means. Different rules and boundaries, different expectations and needs. I doubt it would be possible to truly answer your questions since it will mean something different to each couple.
For me, a loose definition would be a couple that doesn’t subscribe to the traditional idea that they are only with each other sexually. It would seem to me that an open relationship would allow at least some interaction with a 3rd party of a sexual nature.
According to Dan Savage, who writes the “Savage Love” column and podcast, many couples have agreements allowing one or both partner to stray from strict monogamy under certain situations. The keys, according to him, are that you both agree on the rules beforehand, that your partner is always number one in your life, and that you don’t bring home disease (or children).
I can’t quite imagine it though. Even if I did have an affair, I think I’d want to hide it. I definitely can’t see myself bringing up the dialogue that would set the rules for acceptable “cheating”. I mean, how do you even broach that subject?
It’s not an affair if you have permission, same with “cheating”.
I’ve been in an open relationship (more common for gay men I understand) and I agree on the rules part. Also it only works if sex really is just sex, if feelings start to develop that compete with the feelings you have for your SO it’s time to stop.
Look at it this way - there are some couples who love each other who just don’t hit all the sexual buttons (maybe even not for want of trying). So what do you do? Be forced to leave a marriage you’re happy with but for the sex or have an honest conversation about what you want and open it up to other partners? A friend of mine has an open marriage and for her it’s based on her BDSM desires which she knows her husband would never go in for. Her BDSM partner isn’t a replacement for her husband, nor would she ever want him to be, and it doesn’t stop her loving or appreciating her husband. In fact it means she can stay with him rather than having to leave because that area of her life is important to her and not satisfied.
Each relationship is different. Every couple has their own rules about what’s acceptable behavior, whether or not there’s “veto” power, how/when do you ask for permission, etc.
In our case, any sexual behavior is acceptable, as long as condoms are used. We check with each other before we go out to make sure that it’s “game on” for the evening. And then we re-group the next day to make sure everything’s still OK. We’re not swingers (sex with random strangers), but we’re not polyamorous (looking for additional committed emotional relationships) either - kind of a “friends with benefits” arrangement.
As for how we “got there”, it wasn’t something we started our relationship with. We’ve always been OK with flirting, hugging, “joking” butt/boob grabs, etc. among friends. There were a couple of “something more” occasions with other people that did not end in any kind of sex. We actually went to a swingers’ club twice a few years ago, but realized that wasn’t right for us. Last summer, my best friend introduced us to a couple who have had an open relationship for a few years, so we talked a lot and asked questions.
After lots and lots of discussion it boils down to this: sex can be just sex without the emotional intimacy of committed love, but not without some sort of closeness (for us). So we thought it would be OK, and then my husband “went” first (just because of timing & logistics and all). Then it was my turn. And lo and behold, we were fine. Since then, we’ve had all sorts of fun.
Paging WhyNot …
Thanks for the answers, folks. I think I understand their relationship a bit more now.
Well, if you are like my ex husband, you say “we should have an open relationship” - then you have one anyway, despite your wife not agreeing, and eventually it explodes.
In some cases, the open relationship starts open - that seems to me (from observation) to be the most successful. Two people who recognize monogomy isn’t for either of them decide to share their lives - often they grow into sharing their lives. In other cases (I’ve noticed far less success with this method) it starts as a traditional relationship, but one partner or the other pushes for open after the relationship starts.
Its more common in some communities (in addition to the gay community, it isn’t uncommon in bisexual communities, pagan communities or communities of SF Fen (who possibly read too much Heinlein at impressionable ages.)
I’ve known two sides of this coin.
I’ve known married couples who are open and they “play” together and in groups and with others. And they have been happy for years.
I’ve known others where one partner wants an open marriage, the other partner thinks she wants an open marriage and they go about their merry way for a few years. When one partner didn’t want the openness anymore and the other did…the marriage fell apart.
For a slightly different perspective from what’s been discussed so far: people who are polyamorous aren’t always with multiple people just because their primary SOs don’t ring all their bells sexually. Sure, sex plays a part in it, but I know a lot of people who have been in love with and emotionally committed to multiple partners, myself having been one.
Some people seem to be wired for monogamy, and some people aren’t. As an analogy, I have a lot of people whom I consider to be my friends and I would never limit my number of friends because it’s felt I should save all of my friendship for my best friend. Rachel might be fun to go to bars with and talk about men and kids, but it’s Julie that I have the deep philosophical discussions with, and Nicole is the one who shares my interest in animals. No one friend is going to meet all of my emotional and intellectual needs, but that doesn’t lessen our friendship at all. It was the same when I had multiple girlfriends. I loved both of them as individuals and wanted the both of them in my life.
It isn’t exactly that polyamorous people don’t see sex as a big deal (though many of them don’t), but they don’t see it (or romantic attachments) as something exclusive. If I enjoy going out to have a few drinks with Rachel, there’s nothing stopping me from going out with Nicole, too. If I love to cuddle Megan in the mornings, there’s nothing stopping me from tackling John into bed the next time I see him.