I’ve been thinking about this pretty much since I started having relationships at all. Open relationships work very well for me. They make me feel trusted and secure. I feel trusted because my partner is trusting me to be able to deal with secondary relationships and not to engage in any that would threaten him/her. I feel secure because I know that my partner isn’t with me purely because he/she has to be, but always actively because they want to be. And I like that I’m able to extend my friendships with other people. Often enough, I’ll be in a situation with a friend where we’ve had a really close or intimate evening and I want to kiss them good night or some other gesture of affection slightly over the “line”, and I like that I’m able to do that when I’m in an open relationship.
I don’t feel at all jealous of my partner either. As far as I’m concerned it’s obvious that he/she will be close to other people too - I don’t want him/her all to myself - and to insist that he/she not be able to express that closeness seems to me to be absurd.
So strong are my feelings in favour of open relationships, though, that I find it very difficult to understand the opposing viewpoint which is why I’m posting this in the first place. Why do people place such a high premium on monogomy?
I can understand that if someone promised to be faithful and then weren’t, that trust would be a problem. But why ask that promise to begin with?
I’m glad you have found something that works for you Sappho, but I know that it wouldn’t work for me.
I don’t know if I can explain, but I’ll try.
I’m in a relationship where the physical side of things is transcendant. Amazing. Wonderful.
We make LOVE.
I have no desire to simply “have sex” with anyone else, and if I did it would cheapen what I have with my SO.
I don’t want to be with anyone else. I have friends and family who I can turn to for anything that he cannot provide, he provides amply for me physically.
There is no hole that needs to be filled. If there were I would feel that the relationship was not working.
As it is, I am completed in him.
It’s not about freedom or control or anything else. I’m with him because I’ve never been happier than when he’s beside me. If that ever changes I’ll re-evaluate whether I should stay.
Something I should have said in the OP, but forgot to was that my “secondary relationships” or “sexual friendships” or whatever label you want to give them are always with people I care about. Often they aren’t more than kissing and light petting. These are people that are important to me. They aren’t any less important to me because I have a strong relationship at the moment.
Additional sexual relationships with friends to whatever extent aren’t for me about “filling a gap” in my relationship with my SO, but just about those particular people and those particular situations.
I’m not sure if I’m really making sense here. The point I’m trying to get across is that a relationship isn’t about “completion” for me. It’s not as though because I love my boyfriend, I can’t love anyone else.
A common misconception about any kind of “open marriage” is that the members involved don’t “make love,” or that they don’t love their SO(s), or that they are unable to commit. None of these are true.
A couple more points:
An open marriage can mean many things. It can mean swinging, it can mean “only with strangers,” it can mean polyamory…there isn’t just one hard and fast set of rules which defines or gives a comprehensive description of an “open marriage,” any more than the word “marriage” means the same thing to everyone who enters into it.
As far as I am concerned, open relationships “cut out the middle man” so to speak. What I mean by this is that I know so many “relationships” in which one person has “cheated” on the other person and this is one indication to me that humans are more polyamorous than they’d like to admit. By being in an open relationship you admit that you can be and are attracted to other people.
It’s funny (or sad, actually) but I have a friend who says she can understand her having an affair with a married man behind his wife’s back (which she is actually doing) but thinks it’s wrong to be in an open relationship. I guess she’s not comfortable with both members being aware and okay with developing outside relationships. What a nut.
However, I think the main obstacle with people being in open relationships is that they are not secure enough in themselves to allow their significant other to develop an outside relationship. Heck, do your own poll, how many guys do you know wouldn’t mind to be able to fool around on their partners, but when asked if their partners could fool around on them would say no?
However, I think that if deep down inside the guy knew that he could be trusted, he could trust his partner and both could take advantage of the situation to develop outside relationships. But again, I think open relationships work best in very secure relationships with excellent communications. And from the people I know who are in open relationships, it’s strange to them to ever think that being in a non-open relationship was normal.
If you really know your partner and trust them with all your heart and vice versa, then developing an open relationship is easy and seems natural.
I’m not really sure how to describe it. We love each other and have been living together for four and a half years now. The relationship wasn’t something that we argued about or had any heated discussion over; it just seemed to fit us and we both were fine with it.
It’s a matter of trust, and knowing that love is not an exclusive thing. We’re not sex maniacs, it’s just a matter of having no need or reason to feel jealous if one of us has affection or even full physical intimacy with someone else. It’s also a matter of being secure and fully honest in communications - my wife is one of the most brutally honest people I know.
sigh
okay…it’s statements like these that irritate me. i’ve been posting to the ‘emotional infidelity’ thread in GD http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=181821 and this sort of thing came up. while i’d like to think that you didn’t mean it, i get tired of the backhanded insults thrown about when people in open relationships discuss monogamy.
for the record, i am happily married in a monogamous relationship. i have nothing against open relationships that work, so long as everyone involved is happy, and aware of the situation. but to posit that i am somehow ‘insecure’ because i prefer not to share my wife with another man (or woman for that matter) is wrong, and quite frankly, offensive. do i suggest that people in open relationships are emotionally immature and unable to commit to a ‘real’ relationship? do i suggest that you are deviants, or undeserving of any happiness that you’ve managed to achieve? no. things can be different without being better or worse. this is not some sort of emotional pissing contest, where we have to show who is more ‘evolved.’ your implication that i am some sort of caveman because the thought of another man being intimate with my wife- whether kissing, petting, or full on sex- makes me physically ill.
your assumption that i would gladly have a one-way open relationship is wrong- do i find other women attractive? sure. would it feel good to have sex with them? probably. do i think that i would be happier for it? not at all. i have found my one and only. and that’s that- i don’t need to compare my happiness with yours to feel good. if you have two or more ‘one and only’s’ do i think you are happier than me? hell no.
other than that, i just need to agree with pretty much everything irishgirl said. but to each their own.
For the record, I couldn’t agree more. When I see people in open marriages (of whatever stripe) bash people for preferring monogamy, it makes me want to smack their heads into a wall. You do what works for YOU, and for your PARTNER(s)…and if that’s polyamory, great; if that’s swinging, great; and if that’s monogamy, great.
Sorry to have offended you, Stonebow, but perhaps I would be more clear if I said that I believe people can have secure monogamous relationships but only those who are in secure relationships should try to have an open one?
If you don’t want to have one, fine, but if a person is in a secure relationship their partner feels that way, then I think it seems a natural and easy thing to do.
But for one thing, a number of people involved in purely monogamous relationships make statements like this:
“because the thought of another man being intimate with my wife- whether kissing, petting, or full on sex- makes me physically ill.”
as if sex were the end-all and be-all of a relationship. I don’t know how to explain it, but if someone does any of those things with my wife, it doesn’t make me ill because I am secure in the knowledge of her love for me and what I mean to her. And it’s not a matter of a secure relationship, but my security with myself. And if you choose to be in a monogamous relationship, fine, but my main point is that the main requirement for being in an open relationship is to have a secure one first.
Hamadryad said it better than I ever could, but because this is a subject that I care about, I will do my best.
An open relationship is not just about sex. It is about the fufillment of needs, desires, wants, etc. When my wife and I have sex with another partner (very rarely do we do things apart) it is a great bonding experience for us as a couple and as a group.
I do not bash anyone who has a loving relationship, and I expect the same kind of respect (and 99 times out of 100 I get it).
I’ve heard it said that human were not made to be manogamos (did I spell that right??) , and I’m sad to say that I can see the logic. There are so many amazing people out there who I would be quite happy to be with, but I could not imagine being with anyone else but my beloved. But i believe that many people can make us happy. This may sound immature but I think it is about the sex! if it was just the company of certain people you liked, and spending quality time specific people who come into your life, while do you need to have sex, or kissing etc with them wouldn’t just spending time with them be enough. My partner and I like our own space and have no problem spending time with our own friends but we don’t need to sleep with them.
And for her to be with anyone else would kill me.
The longer we are together the stronger our feelings grow.
If I wanted to be with different people I simply wouldn’t commit to one person. I don’t know if it’s possibly to have your cake and eat it to!!!
Maybe it’s in ones upbringing, or past experiences with infidelity?
We are all responsible for our own happiness, so… I guess that means anything goes. But “open relationships” are not for me.
I hope that didn’t sound like I was judging you, I hope your situation works out, truelly, I just wanted to share my opinion.
If someone is so secure in themselves and in their primary relationship, why do you feel the need for affirmation in additional intimate relationships? And why are you unwilling to make a total commitment in your primary relationship?
I honestly think you are fooling yourselves if you think it takes more maturity to engage in an open relationship… not that a contest is going on as to who’s more mature. But to a certain extent during my younger years, I thought it was being very mature too, being secure enough, etc., like you. I really wasn’t. I only thought I was.
Some maybe, but let’s not assume it’s all, a’ight? Some people can make open relationships work, I’m sure, but let’s not assume everybody can do it - or that people who can’t are unaccomodating or insecure or something. I’m sort of dealing with this issue myself right now.
I’ve met men who have claimed to be in “open relationships” but when a known married man is hitting on me, it’s difficult to believe it’s anything but a rationalization for screwing around. Granted, it has invariably been in a situation where I know the man is married, don’t know him well, and have never met his wife. In that situation, I’d have to be a fool to believe it.
In any case, I can’t imagine being in an open relationship; it’s difficult enough for me to find one person I want to be intimate with, or even to kiss, I can’t imagine more than one at a time.
I have been with my husband for over ten yerars. Every day I love him more. He’s my best friend and the sex is outstanding. Other people have been known to join our lives. This has not affected the way my husband and I feel about each other at all.
As far as having cake and eating it too, I’ll quote from here:
Here’s another quote, addressing the “one for the bedroom, one for the bills” fallacy:
It’s just not “having your cake and eating it two,” as much as it is “trying two different flavors of cake.”
Monogamy’s not for everyone. Polyamory is not for everyone. Myself, I couldn’t be a swinger, even though I gave it a shot. As much as a monogamous person would be insulted at being told they aren’t emotionally mature enough to handle a polyamorous relationship, I dislike reading things like this:
There’s the “not that a contest is going on,” followed by “when I was young, I thought I was mature, too.” I don’t think anyone in this thread has suggested that monogamous people are more or less mature than polyamorous people, OR vice-versa.
In a situation like this, I’d ask to meet his wife and clear it with her. And if he said, “Well, it’s open, but she doesn’t want to hear about it,” I’d reply with, “Well…me neither.”
Guys who invoke “open marriage” to get people to help them cheat - or women, for that matter - make it that much harder on the people out there who have an “open marriage” and an ounce of honesty and maturity.
First of all, I was not trying to offend any monogamous people. I openly admit that secure monogamous relationships happen. My point was not to bash monogamy, and I still don’t believe I have done that per se. However, one thing I do not understand is people like my friend who can carry on affairs because that seems “more acceptable” to her than to accept polyamory.
My main point was, and still is, that in order to engage in a polyamorous relationship, you should have a secure one first. NOT that monogamous relationships can’t have security!
As far as the comment about being unwilling to make a total committment indicating a lack of security, all I can say is that I have made a total committment. But because people put so much emphasis on sex and not the whole relationship, I guess you can’t see that. And no where did I ever say that it took more maturity for people to have an open relationship.
From personal experience: I had the opportunity to engage in an open relationship about 10 years ago. I never would have considered it with the person I was with then. I had no security with that person and I did not trust them.
Fast forward to about 6 years ago. New person, love of my life. We were just sitting around having a discussion offhand about what we thought about open relationships. And, lo and behold, because I felt so much more secure with this person than I had ever had before with anyone else, it seemed like “heck, yeah, let’s try it out. Why not?” So, we did and it’s been a success. But honestly, at no point do I think I am more mature than those in monogamous relationships. However, before one enters into a poly type relationship, you should make sure you are secure in the one you are in. That’s all I am saying.
And again, as far as “needing additional affirmation” that is not true. Both of us agreed that each of us was exactly what each other needed, but since we were also both okay with exploring outside relationships, then we could do that. As soon as it stops working, we’ll stop. But so far, like I said, it has been a success.
Hamadryad, if you’ll reference the post that i quoted in my earlier reply, it’s pretty hard not to read it as anything but a pity statement for the ‘insecure’ monogamists.
i am also having trouble with your constant equating of open relationships to ‘cheating’ monogamous relationships. those are nbot the only choices. not all of us, or even most of us that i know if, cheat, you know. it just seems like an easy thing to take pot-shots at.
also- can one ‘cheat’ in an open relationship? i assume that any extra relationships entered into without the knowledge of yor spouse would count as that. i also tend to think that cheaters will cheat no matter what arrangements are made, open or not.
That would be an appropriate response if I were someone who would consider any type of involvement with a married man in an open relationship. Ewww! Yuck! Not something I’d ever consider.
Yeah, one can cheat in an open relationship. There’s no way an actual polyamorous relationship can occur unless everyone is honest with each other. If a partner sneaks around behind your back to hook up with someone else? That’s cheating. Whether you’re cheating on a wife, or on two wives, or on a wife and a husband…if you’re sneaking around and lying, then you are cheating.
I think the only reason anyone’s compared monogamously married people cheating to polyamory (or open marriage) is that the only situation in which a monogamous person would sleep with a person other than his or her spouse is if he or she is cheating. Originally posted by cmonidareya:
I have also had a friend who just couldn’t IMAGINE being in a…a…an OPEN MARRIAGE, but it turned out she had been cheating on her husband.
I don’t think anyone has suggested that all or even a MAJORITY of people cheat - monogamously or not. It’s just the simplest way to explain the differences. However: a polyamorous relationship is not “all about the sex” any more than a monogamous relationship is.