My friend “Mary Lou” has in her possession the ashes of her late partner “Penelope” who died 15 years ago. What are Mary Lou’s options for the disposition of these remains at this point? She doesn’t want to scatter them, and I said I’d ask here 'cause y’all are so smart and well-informed.
If she wants to inter the ashes somewhere, does that mean buying a plot? What kinds of interment are there? Should she call up a cemetery and ask these questions?
She has a will, and if she directs her executor to deal with the ashes, wouldn’t she have had to buy a plot or something ahead of time? It seems to me that dealing with these ashes on top of a funeral for Mary Lou would put a huge burden on an executor although presumably Mary Lou’s estate would be able to cover both expenses.
Just wondering if anyone else has come upon the situation of dealing with cremains long after the person’s death and how you handled it?
Good question. My younger sister has the remains of my mom and brother and the ashes are still in the plastic bags from the funeral home. I keep harping on her that we need to do something.
I do remember the funeral home telling us that if we wanted the ashes put into an urn or plot at a later date, we had to be sure we kept the cremation paperwork as proof of whose ashes they were.
You don’t have to purchase a full plot of land, as they have structures called a columbarium for this purpose. The one pictured below, for example, has 40 different containers for ashes. Depending on location, they can often be had for less than a grand (per box, not the entire structure). They typically have plaques or engravings on the outer face to identify the remains.
The cemetery where my parents are buried allows creamains in an urn to be buried in an existing plot, so, for example, my remains could be buried on the plot where my parents are buried. I think there’s usually a fee charged and of course one might want a small marker but in at least one case I know of the urn was simply buried next to the family headstone by the family, no fee involved.
Every state has its own laws about the disposal of cremains. In many cases, they are further restricted by local or county laws
Once a body is cremated, it no longer has citizenship or residency, so when you decide what you want to do, just take it to a place where it is permitted.
My father-in-law died a year and a half ago, and this is the plan which my wife and sister-in-law have for the 50%* of the ashes which they have. His parents are buried at the community cemetery in the small town in central Illinois where they had grown up, and his cousin happens to be the head of the cemetery association, so he’s arranging things. This would have all been done last spring, when the ground thawed, but the combination of COVID, and my wife and sister-in-law still dealing with the grief, means that it hasn’t yet happened; the cremains are still in my closet.
Note that, at least in Illinois, if one is intending on burying cremains at a cemetery, we discovered that one has to buy a “burial quality” urn, which is a pretty big and heavy piece of material, about the size of a large toaster.
*Their stepsister – the daughter of their dad’s late wife – has the other 50%, and will be scattering them at sea, along with her mother’s ashes, at some point.
I seem to have become the Keeper of the Ashes in my family, not quite sure how that happened…
There are a number of options for “cremains”, most of which have been covered here.
If you opt to scatter there are a number of choices, but check for limitation in the area you intend to exercise them - at sea, in the sky, burial, niche, and there are also options for “green” scatterings or burial in containers that will break down and allow dispersal of the remains.
In practice, you can scatter ashes almost anywhere - it’s a little hard to track you down after the fact. National parks get this every year, with stealth scatterings even though they’re not technically allowed. Allegedly, there was a stealth scattering on the ISS some time back. I’m not recommending you do that, just stating that it happens. If you get caught scattering remains where you’re not supposed to you may face fines.
I don’t know what dad did with the “cremation information” for mom, but since I still have his and he and mom wanted a double-wide urn that will probably work should I decide to opt for the permanent cemetery route.
Haven’t decided what, exactly, to do with the late spouse in the end - I’m thinking a bit of co-mingling with us spending eternity together. He’d love to be shot into space, but I don’t have the money for that at this point.
You can also bury the urn on any private property where the owner gives permission. Such as in your backyard. Because cremains aren’t a health hazard, there aren’t a ton of regulations around what you can do. (There ARE regulations forbidding dumping ashes in many waterways. That website, linked above, is good.)
When i was a girl scout we dug up someone’s grandmother’s ashes. I mean, she said, “my grandma’s ashes are buried here, let’s dig them up”. Then we reburied them. So i suppose there are some hazards to a home burial. Scattering is safer that way, as they can’t, practically, be unscattered.
My grandparents remains were kept in our personal vault for years. And I don’t mean a funeral vault – it was a five-foot-tall safe the store used to keep money and valuables in.
My father put my grandfather’s ashes there until he figured out what to do with them. My grandmother found out and was shocked, but then realized, since my grandfather spent much of his life in the store, it was appropriate, and asked to be kept there.
Eventually, we buried them next to my father when he died. There was no issue doing it.
I’m in the UK where we probably have different rules for this. My dad’s ashes were interred in his parents’ grave which is in the cemetery in the town where he grew up. Our family owns the plot, we had to pay a fee to the council as they own the land and had to get approval for the addition of a headstone for him. The rules are that they will only open a grave once so that means we now can’t have my mum’s ashes interred there.
I’ve still got her ashes here, she died almost 16 months ago. I took a teaspoon of her ashes and had them made into a pendant for myself, and will take a small amount of cremains with me when I go to visit dad’s grave in the summer. She said she wanted her ashes scattered in Derbyshire where she loved to go walking so I will do that, but I don’t feel right without putting just a little of her with my dad. It’s not going to be all the cremains, so I will just dig a little hole and put a bit in because that’s what I feel is right.
I don’t live close to where any of our family graves are, and mum said she didn’t want us to feel beholden to the idea of visiting regularly. I used to take her to dad’s grave every year, and a few times to her brother’s grave but as she got older and less mobile herself, it became more difficult for her to make the journey. I know she appreciated being taken there, and knowing that she and I had taken care of the graves as best we could, but she also didn’t want anyone thinking they had to do it. Scattering her ashes elsewhere would mean no grave to visit, but also no grave to tend.
If churches are part of Mary Lou’s and Penelope’s histories, then facilities like @DMC showed are often available in churchyards. Crypts therein are probably for sale (AKA mandatory “donation” to the church) for less than the corresponding price at a nearby commercial cemetery. We have such a dual space bought at my wife’s insistence for very little money.
Whether Mary Lou needs to be a member of that particular church to buy a space varies, but it’s worth investigating churches of the appropriate denomination(s) if they lean(ed) that way.
A certain glider pilot who died a few years ago (of natural causes, AFAIK) had his cremains scattered over the mountains adjacent to the glider port where he did most of this soaring.
I divided up my late wife’s ashes into small sealed envelopes, each holding a couple tablespoons. At her celebration of life, I put the envelopes in a large bowl, and invited the attendees to take them, and when they visited someplace warm, like a tropical resort, discretely scatter them and think of Pam.
All the envelopes were taken. I know some were scattered in the surf at Cancun. Others were kept as momentos, I’m sure. I still have some cremains I have yet to decide what to do with.
