Me, at my sister’s house: “Hey, when did you switch to Telus as a service provider?”
Her: “I didn’t”
Me: “Well what’s that over there, isn’t that a Telus modem?”
Her: “Yea, but that’s Wayne’s (her husband).”
Me: “I don’t get it.”
Her: “Telus offered a new (crappy) laptop to any new subscribers, so Wayne got set up because he needed a new laptop.”
Me: “Uh, ok, so you cancelled your old account with Shaw, I assume?”
Her: “No, we’re still hooked up with them. That’s what I said before.”
Me: “Wait a minute, you’re using both Shaw and Telus as service providers at the same time?”
Her: “I’m not. I use Shaw and Wayne uses Telus.”
Me: “Why don’t you both use Telus? You do know that you can use more than one computer per account, right? Get rid of Shaw.”
Her: “Well, I don’t like Telus. I don’t trust them.” Checks over shoulder for approaching black helicopter
Me: 
… “What does Wayne think of all this?”
Her: “Oh, he doesn’t know I’m still hooked up to Shaw.”
Me: “He hasn’t noticed the two plastic boxes full of blinking lights next your computer?”
Her: “No.”
Me:
Most everyone I know: “Hey, there’s something wrong with my computer.”
Me: What’s wrong with it?"
Them: “It’s really slow and it crashes all the time and it locks up and it won’t play my MP3s and it puked on the carpet.”
Me: “When was the last time you defragged?”
Them: “What’s that?”
Me: “…updated your virus definitions and ran a scan?”
Them: “Uhhh…”
Me: “Which firewall are you using?”
Them: “I dunno”
Me: “When was the last time you ran Windows Updates?”
Them: “I’ve never done that.”
Me: “Spyware, what are you using to fight spyware?”
Them: “I don’t use anything.”
Me: “When was the last time you reinstalled the operating system? Have you ever? Do you know what I’m talking about?”
Them: “Not really.”
Me: “How old is this computer?”
Them: “Three years.”
Me: “Didn’t we go over this? Didn’t I say that you had to take care of your computer and explain how to do it?”
Them: “Well, I didn’t think I had to do it.”
Me: “No, I will not fix your computer.”
Or when I finally cave and offer to reinstall the OS to give them a fresh start:
“Ok, so you realize that E V E R Y T H I N G will be erased. right? Nothing will be saved, right? You understand this? So you’ve backed up all your photos and emails and everything personal that you hold dear? Think of everything you do on your computer. Think of all the things you use. All of those things will be gone. Have you saved them elsewhere so we can put them back? If not they’ll be gone forever. You understand this, right?”
Them, giving me the eye-roll of the century: “YES. You told me! I did it. Geez!”
Me: “Ok then. Here goes.”
Some time later, when all is said and done…
“Hey! Where are my bookmarks?!?!? WHERE ARE MY PICTURES???!!!?!?!?!?!!”
Me: “You do, of course, realize that you are a complete idiot, right?”
