It was, without a doubt, the most complex decision I’ve made in my life. Surprisingly, it was the way in which the complete lack of national and State leadership impacted us the most. I’m still not sure I made the intellectually right decision… and I’m almost positive that time will prove me right… but I am positive that, given all factors, the players involved, more… the decision was correct regardless the well-developed arguments for and against.
Sophia is in New York City, ready to attend college, in person, starting this Monday at St John’s University.
Readers of this thread will remember Sophia’s college tour last summer, but for those new to this tale, my daughter has wanted to break into the film/TV industry and so we decided to make the investment in her future by sending her to college in one of the two cities where the entertainment industry resides (the other being Los Angeles, but it wasn’t really a consideration – it was NYC or bust) to a school which had great connections to the industry or a school which was just high-quality in and of itself.
Things proceeded as normal until COVID struck. My daughter, her senior year wrecked, years of work seemingly for naught, stuck in her house, her room, her head… still handled it well! But there was the college issue, the pandemic, and then the debate started: What to do about college?
Our options were:
- Gap year
- Remote Year 1
- Remote Semester 1, Attend Semester 2
- Attend Year 1
- Attend a Texas school, going to SJU next year or the year after.
In addition, I was wrestling with questions such as:
- What is the value of a “St. John’s University” education, especially without the experience?
- Where would Sophia be safer? By herself in NYC or with us in Texas?
… and shit like that.
The Great Debate
We first began with the Great Debate: Where is Sophia going to attend school (for this post, “school” = “St Johns” unless otherwise indicated)? Home? In NYC? Does St Johns even make sense in this environment – perhaps a local school, then transfer in a year or two when things are better…?
Notes regarding the family unit: Laura and I are divorced, but agreed to stay together in the same home to provide Sophia with her accustomed life. As people who have followed me here can note … and I’ve been on the SDMB longer than the child in question has been alive… issues of Sophia’s education figure prominently in my threads/topics about her, and I proudly stand accused of being too involved in her life, especially the completely bizarre reactions in this thread.
The first decision was to continue with St. John’s. So the “Texas School” option was immediately off the table. Then the Great Debate started: Sophia to online learn, or Sophia to go to NYC to attend in person.
Team NYC: Sophia, Laura (her mother)
Team Stay: Dad
We had a family meeting. I did a series of financial charts to show the financial impact of the following options:
- Gap year (easiest spreadsheet ever!)
- Remote Semester 1, Attend Semester 2
- Gap Semester 1, attend/remote Semester 2
- Attend full year
Now, option 4 was the intended option from the start… but there is now this fucking pandemic, Queens NY, which is where St. John’s is located, was the epicenter of COVID back in March, and… shit! Too much!
I strongly argued for option 2. “Let’s see how SJU handles this – no need to send you to NYC only to have you fly back September 12th because of a COVID outbreak. We can also get a quarter of education in for REALLY FUCKING CHEAP, let’s not forget that.”
Sophia, of course, was all about option 4. Her mother is all about keeping Sophia happy, and we’ll just leave it at that, TYVM.
Sophia… who is one of the most persistent and head-strong people I have ever known… began arguing immediately. And was immediately shut down by me, telling her the typical teenage tactics of yelling and stirring up an emotional shit storm just isn’t going to work anymore – the divorce has changed the entire power and financial equation kid, and if you want this you have to get my approval, not your mothers and mine approval.
It took two weeks, from June 1st to mid(ish) June, for Sophia to realize that, yes, I was serious – doing the usual teenage bullshit only hardened my heart… like Ramsees when talking to Moses, if Sophia wants to get to the Promised Land, she sure as hell ain’t going to get there by trying to make my life miserable. (Actually, Moses did make his life so miserable Moses and the Jews were kicked out of Egypt, so maybe this analogy falls on its face. So let it be written. So let it be done.)
Sophia then called a family meeting, the first of her life. Guys, SHE PUT TOGETHER A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION, complete with pictures, financials, and lists. She spent 20 minutes going over her presentation with us, whereupon I sighed and said, “OK, let’s make this happen.” And the reason why? It wasn’t her argument or logic or #’s, it was that she changed her communication style to better reach her audience – this leap of maturity, her earnestness, and, yes, her mental health – all convinced me to go ahead and make this happen for her.
And, let’s face it, the COVID situation had changed so dramatically that Sophia is likely safer in NY State than she is in Texas.
The Great Struggle
That was the easy part! Now we just have to get this kid to NYC by August 24th (start of classes), abiding by quarantine rules and restrictions.
For starters, the enrollment process at St Johns absolutely and completely sucked – it was so haphazard and incompetently designed that again I started wondering about the value of the school. 4 different logins! No central location for enrollment information! No calendar of dates! No emails to parents! Portals that always time-out or gave incorrect information (I still haven’t been able to upload Sophia’s medical records, a school requirement. I just gave up and emailed them to their Info@ address.)
Communicating with the school was a struggle. Getting information from them was a struggle. Knowing what to do next was a struggle. I told Laura that if our parents had to do what was required of us, I don’t think either one of our fathers would’ve made the effort… and she agreed. I even wrote a draft of an email… “My daughter is coming to St John’s tomorrow @ 1pm and I have ZERO idea if the school is aware she is coming”… and I was this close to sending it (but advised against it), but the fact that I even felt the need to write such a thing should give you an indication of the incredible challenge it was getting her enrolled in school.
But the big issue was quarantine. Where was Sophia going to quarantine for 14 days? She couldn’t stay with family (Laura is nowhere near as persuasive as Sophia is), and Laura and Sophia were developing a plan which would have Sophia stay for 7 days at a family members house in Asbury Park, NJ, then move to Nutley NJ to stay at a hotel there for another 7 days. Which I thought was insane and possibly didn’t meet the quarantine requirements.
Guys, On July 22nd, St Johns sends an email giving us a 2-day window to sign Sophia up for on-campus quarantine starting August 1st. On July 22nd! 2 days notice or she loses her slot! WTF? Anyway, we jumped on that shit, registered her for the quarantine, bought a plane ticket, and my daughter walked out of our lives and into her own on Saturday, August 1st, 2020, boarding her flight at SAT and landing at La Guardia, entering quarantine… 14 straight days in her dorm room… by 3pm.
She is out now, having the time of her life with a free week in NYC, getting her college life together, meeting new people, eating new foods, more. Classes start in 2 days and, like I said, I fully expect the school to shut down in a few weeks because of COVID… but it can’t be argued that we didn’t work as hard as we could in order for her to have this opportunity.
I miss her so much.