I’m 35 and I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder nearly a decade ago. I kept it a secret from most people in my life. I’ve always worked full time even when I was barely functioning at home, so I lived in a state of denial for years that I was actually that sick. But over the last couple of years the symptoms are becoming more difficult to ignore and I feel like this may be the point when I have to come clean to the people around me. I’m struggling to keep myself together at work. My living space looks like it belongs to a mentally ill person and day-to-day self care is harder than it’s ever been. I’m terrified. I don’t have much of a point for this post, other than to admit to other human beings that I’m living with a serious mental illness and doing the best I can. That’s all.
What aspects or symptoms of your illness do you find are most problematic as far as daily functioning?
Are you on medication?
Things like paranoia and intrusive thoughts. I can barely concentrate long enough to get the basics done. And then I end up sleeping often just because it’s an easy way to quiet the symptoms for a while.
Yes, I do take a low-dose antidepressant. It’s probably not quite what I need but I have a feeling the meds I should be on will make me a zombie.
Not necessarily; the last decade alone has produced much better drugs than what was available in, say, the '70s. Ask your doctor, now.
Yep, I agree. See your doctor about upping your drugs. Soon.
^ Not to argue, Beck, but not just upping–maybe switching out and/or combining some.
Now, because it takes weeks for some drugs to “take hold.”
I’m very sympathetic to your problems. I have suffered with problems myself; nothing like yours (although I know people who have, including family members), but a combination of OCD and manic-depression.
This picture hangs as a 24"x36" print on the wall right above my desk in my office, right above my head right now as I write this. It shows Howard Hughes, at 30 years old, a year younger than I am now, with the Hughes H-1 racer that he designed and built and broke the world’s speed record with. That picture, and his whole story, is a lesson to me, and a warning. A lesson that if you’re capable of channeling obsessive and compulsive desires into something productive, you can achieve incredible things. And a warning that if it’s not channeled into something productive, but allowed to run “free”, you are in for disaster. This applies to the mind; it also applies to the ego. I look at that picture every single day and I’m reminded of this.
If you are on a low-dose antidepressant, you may need a higher dose. You may need a different medication altogether. It’s imperative that you see a qualified psychiatrist - the best and most highly reputed one that you can find and that you can afford. You need to explain EVERYTHING to this individual. And then he/she will put you, essentially, through a series of experiments with different medications. You may luck out and find the right one immediately, or you may, as was my case, have to spend several months on a harrowing journey trying different medications, getting up to the right (or wrong) dosage, then possibly tapering off as needed and trying something else. It can be UNBELIEVABLY frustrating.
I went through all this shit from a position of great privilege. Money was no object; family support was no object. There are people who lack one or both of those, and these people are in for an even rougher ride than I was.
I think that you CAN get through this if you stay the course. I never thought I could, when it was happening. I felt like I was at the bottom of a well, with greased walls, absolutely NO way of climbing out. But I did, and I’m doing quite well.
Yes, you’re right. Different meds, different doses, under a doctor’s care.
I can only re-emphasize one point: tell the psychiatrist everything, take a written list of what’s going on if it might help, and - well - you know those parts of the situation that are too big or too crazy to get into at the beginning? Tell those parts first thing on the first day.
I have a family member who has been suffering with schizophrenia for much longer than you and you sound relatively healthy compared to her.
I urge you to find family members or friends you trust and use them as a reality anchor. Trust what they say no matter what your brain is telling you. Even post on this message board if you have to. There are a lot of bright people here.
As others have mentioned, there are many new medications for mental illness and it sounds like your doctor should modify your treatment. Again, trust your reality anchor, do research on the Internet, and give the medications time to take effect. Good luck.
I’m gonna say, if you’ve made it this far, for this long, you are doing mighty well by any standard!
But it seems you may finally have reached a threshold of some sort. This condition can morph as people age, symptoms can intensify and shift.
It truly sounds like you might be able to easily reset things, back to where you were comfortable managing, possibly by simply having your meds modified or tweaked.
Seeing that the shift in your symptoms is causing harmful anxiety, (It can’t be helping!), you should consider consulting your PCP about adjusting your meds, as your first avenue of exploration, in my most humble opinion. If only because it might well prove to be the only solution required.
Wishing you great Good Luck!
Not necessarily. You need to experiment. Some of the newer atypical antipsychotics do not cause as much fatigue.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Mental illness is hell because it changes who you are as a person. A physical injury can hurt but your sense of self stays intact. A mental illness changes who you are.
The fact that you’re aware that you’re not doing well is a good sign.
Denial worked well for you for a long time. I was in denial about my physical disabilities for years, and I accomplished a lot during that time. Like you, my symptoms progressed, and I had to give up denial. It’s a tough adjustment.
The difference between us is that you have a condition that tends to respond well to the right medications. I understand your concern about side effects of new meds, but if you do experience them, your psychiatrist can always adjust the dosage or switch meds. You’re at the point where the side effects won’t be worse than what you’re struggling with now, so don’t hesitate.
Wishing you smooth sailing. Please keep us updated. I’ll be thinking of you.