Parent Dopers: What Advice Do You Have for non-Parents?

[Malthus]

@monstro

My opinion is that one should live life appreciating the richness and completeness they already have, rather than assessing their life against a changing ideal they may or may not be well-suited for.

There is always something out there that would make one’s life “richer” and more “complete”. The self-actualizing challenge isn’t acquiring these things like you’re some character in a video game, scooping up tokens so you can get on to the next level. Nope, the thing that makes you truly rich and complete is finding satisfaction in what you already have. Looking at what your “richer” neighbor has before deciding how you feel about your lot in life is a guaranteed way of feeling disappointment.

This is only my opinion, of course. It is what I tell myself whenever well-intentioned people get to “shoulding” and “musting” around me.

I don’t think one should live life as a series of steps to be ticked off as completed, either. Nor do I think that one should compare oneself to others - that way lies relative deprivation. There is always someone out there better off than you.

But nor do I think that one can really grow by only finding satisfaction in what one is doing right now, with what you already have - that way lies being in a rut.

None of which is to say that everyone - or anyone - “should” or “must” become a parent. I’m only trying to explain why SOME people find the experience rewarding, while others do not. It lies, I think, in what I have explained.

The risk is, of course, that until one does it, one does not know if one is the type who finds it rewarding or not. Life is full of risks like that, but this is a big one.

[Malthus]

@Seymour Guts

But us childless people don’t live only for ourselves.

When me and my SO were growing up, we both had unmarried aunts with no children who gave us extra love and spoiled us rotten and whom we both adored. I was determined to be that aunt for my nephew and niece, and he wasn’t as sure, but as he got older, he too decided he didn’t want children and would rather spoil these two.

These two kids now have two extra people looking after them, giving them gifts, etc. We are putting aside a little extra money for when they turn 18.

If I had my own kids I would have to give a little less to these kids. So instead of adding extra bodies to this world, I am making the lives of two little ones marginally better.

I am living my life, in part, for others. I am also living my life for myself. I’ve never wanted to have children, and never will…but I can lavish love and affection on these two.

Certainly. And some devote themselves to charity work, or to science, or to the arts, or in other ways bettering others. But having done a bit of all these things, it really isn’t the same, for good or bad. None of them have the same quality of ‘now you are no longer wholly the star of the movie of your life - someone else is also the star, you are the co-star’ quality. You help out and then you go home - to your home. When you are a parent, it’s the kid’s home, at least in large part. That’s why some folks really dislike being parents. Not because they dislike kids necessarily, but because they dislike being, as it were, upstaged in their own life.

This isn’t in any way an imputation of selfishness on those who are not parents - it is simply a description of a different way of life.

[CLee]

@Malthus

I suspect the difference is between those who are willing to, as it were, cease to be the star of the movie and move over to the supporting role (at least a little bit), and those who are not.

Then there are those who create children in order to live vicariously through them, as evidenced by child beauty pageants and the like. Kids aren’t miniature versions of Mommy or Daddy; they are individuals and their preferences and choices deserve respect from the get-go. At home I have three girls: a tomboy, a girlygirl, and a daredevil/athlete. I’m frequently asked why I don’t put a dress on the tomboy and why I allow the daredevil to play rough sports.

I’m lucky they are all three affectionate, lucky they all three like animals, and lucky that all three are relatively easy going. But that’s as far as the resemblance to Dad and I go, and we won’t push them to behave a certain way out of some sense of vanity or tradition. So that’s my advice: don’t have a child in order to rectify the wrongs of your childhood, and don’t expect children to be condensed versions of Mom or Dad. Let them become who they are.