There is a very good book out called;
How To Behave So Your Kids Will.
It’s about getting the behaviour you desire by the example you set. It will help identify what in your behaviour is actually contributing to her behaviour.
It holds forth the brilliant idea that inspiring good behaviour through example is easier than trying to command and/or coerce it.
I know several people who count this book as a life saver for them and their children.
And good luck to you.
I think I’m going to try that one too.
The other thing I’m having a problem with is getting them (I have an almost 14 year old son too) to do routine chores, ie: brushing teeth, putting on deodorant, etc. I swear to God, unless we remind him, my son will leave the house wearing his hiking boots and no socks. He also is very skinny, so a belt is required with all his jeans unless he wants them hanging halfway down his butt. (Yes, I know that’s the style, but my son is not that hip.) I can’t count the times he’s forgotten to put on a belt.
How do you get them to remember the routine chores? I mean, I get up, take a shower, dress, apply makeup and deodorent, pack lunch, etc. I would think my children are old enough to do that without me hounding them.
Oh hell. I can’t even get them to hang up the bathroom towel. I always find it on the floor.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hijack. MissTake, let us know how things go with your daughter.
no prob ivylass- ironically, a woman I work with has the same problem with her 17 year old son. She taped a checklist of stuff to be done before leaving the house (shower? check. Socks? check.). The list stayed up until he could remember to accomplish everything for two weeks straight. She figured that would be long enough for it to become routine. Worked pretty well.
And when you attempt to teach by example, but it goes in one ear and out the other? When your child sees you working hard to keep the house presentable, but ignores your queries and/or requests for assistance, even after you express the need to be a united front (for lack of a better phrase)? When she knows the importance for good manners, but just doesn’t “feel like it”?
What LilMiss and I are dealing with is not a general malaise, but rather a sudden shift of attitude. THAT is what has stymied me.
MissTake ,
I feel your pain. Difference is my daughter is 20 and my son is 16. These types of things to me have been an issue for some time.
I often get mad about these actions and the extreme lack of respect for me and my SO. Unfortunately, my SO and I have differing opinions and this is where it gets complicated. You know ‘They are just being kids’ to my ‘Not in my house.’
Anyway, I think it was all in how we were brought up. She from a family of 7 very outspoken, independent kids. In my house it was just me and my brother. Yes I would sass my mom, but when dad found out look out. I learned real quick where that line in the sand was. Oh and IvyGlass I think my father invented ‘the look’. I have often told friends about how my dad would give me the look and I would break out in a cold sweat.
In fact ‘the look’ is a pretty strong tool that has apparently been handed done for generations. I know when my kids were younger it would stop them in their tracks and in the case of my daughter would bring her to tears. Today it is only a hestitation. (Guess I need to work on that! )
What I will say is that by taking action now, while your daughter is young, there is hope. If you wait to long, it will only be more difficult.
Good luck!
**Off to try some off the great advise in this thread! **