At what age did you expect your kids to use their fork or spoon for dinner? My son is nearly four and refuses. He used to use his fork, but it seems the novelty has worn off. I’m not sure how to approach this. Am I expecting too much of him? I make sure all his food is in bite-size pieces. I’ve asked him if he’s having trouble using it, getting enough food on his fork, etc. and he won’t answer me. He uses his fingers for everything - even the spaghetti & meatballs last night - and it’s gross. I’m torn between taking a stand on this (and exactly how would I do that?) and just ignoring it in favor of him actually eating dinner (a hard enough accomplishment as it is).
Well. To tell you the truth, I’d be more concerned here about my 4 year old refusing to do something I directed him to do than I would be about the table manners. Although, 4 years old is definately old enough to begin table-manners training. Is this the only thing he defies you about?
Does he have problems with his coordination or motor skills? If not, I think a simple “use your fork or you don’t get to eat,” with adequate follow-through, will solve the problem fairly quickly.
I was just going to say that. Good manners require lots of practice. He needs to know that it is unacceptable to eat with his fingers. He might pitch a fit, but he’ll get over it.
I’m not a parent, but I’ve noticed that the early years (around now to, say, 10-ish) are the years where they’ll be forming their table manners for the rest of their life. Not being able to master the use of eating utensils at this age (whether it be through stubborn refusal or just lack of help) may become embarrassing to him as an adult; at the very least, if his table manners aren’t formed now, he may end up dealing with a negative reaction to his potentially boorish table manners in the future.
I’m not entirely sure how one would reinforce it, but there should probably be a rule in place where only finger foods are eaten with one’s fingers. Hopefully some of the parents will come in and give you some more advice.
ETA: Friedo has the right idea; these table manners are going to take a LOT of practice to master, and as long as he’s got the motor skills to be able to handle a fork properly, he should use one.
Our son was very reluctant to use cutlery as well! And it lasted far beyond age 4, I can tell you. In his case, it was due to two factors: one, he was raised until nearly 5 in Indonesia, where he saw adults eat with their fingers all the time; and two, his fine motor skills were pretty delayed, so it was hard for him.
I struggled with this question – should we give him a hard time about it? – and in the end, we pretty much let it slide. Of course, we encouraged using cutlery, but didn’t yell or punish if he wanted to use his fingers.
Anyway, he’s now 9 and uses cutlery normally. So in our case at least, a laissez faire attitude worked out: it kept mealtime from being unpleasant, and in the end he caught up on his skills.
Jess, do you actually have children of your own older than four? I can’t imagine any parent being worried about periodic intransigence at that age. Kids like to test the limits.
No, it’s definitely not the only thing he “defies” me about, but I don’t think that that’s age-inappropriate…he’s almost four (he’ll be four in July). In other defiant situations it’s a little easier to deal. For instance, if he decides he wants to stay up past his bedtime and gives me a hard time about putting his pajamas on, I just tell him that if he doesn’t comply, there won’t be any stories. If he then doesn’t comply, I put his pajamas on myself, pick him up, and put him in his bed. Lights out, end of story. The fork thing is different, though. My instinct is to say, fine, no fork-usage, dinner’s gone. The problem is, though, is that we already struggle with him to eat. He’s the kind of kid that would rather be doing almost anything else than sitting at the table. It’s a small victory for him to actually sit and finish his dinner.
I want to clarify that he’s not a brat and he’s a very pleasant, mature kid. He does throw the occasional tantrum and he is certainly struggling with pushing boundaries, but he acts like a normal three-almost-four-year-old. I would think it would be more weird for a kid his age to respectfully obey every order he was given.
He does not have any motor-skills problem. He can write all his letters using a regular-sized pencil, use a mouse proficiently, and do his own buttons. Although he won’t explain his issues with the fork, I think he’s figured out that he can shovel more food into his mouth more efficiently with his hands. He’s all about getting dinnertime over and done with. We have made a rule that he has to sit at the dinner table until everyone’s close to finished, even if he decides he doesn’t want to eat, but that hasn’t really helped the utensil problem.
Start to include some non-fingerable foods. Rice, creams, soft jello, pudding. Stuff he likes, of course. Also, give him a plastic knife and a whole pancake or some other soft items that he will need to cut himself. Be as non-cofrontational as possible. We are kind of going through that stage with Sapita (although she is a bit younger). Just make it fun so that he enjoys using utensils.
I would start to enforce the fork/spoon especially with non finger type foods. How? I dont know! Maybe let him use a spoon mostly and allow him to use his finger to push the food on the sppoon. Or try chopsticks, there are these plastic type ones that they just pinch together to pick up the food bits with. Does he have his own special sized utensils?
Perhaps offer him a choice of finger food plate or a utensil only plate, Put his faves on the utensil only plate and ask him to choose a plate.
Praise him when he gets it right, try not to whig out when he refuses. And keep the rule in place for every meal, consistency over time will lead to results.
Along with this concept, maybe get higher-sided compartment plates that he can use a spoon to push the food against the side (rather than over the edge) and thus onto the spoon.
I have two kids — my son is now almost 21 and my daughter is almost 20. By the time they were 4, if I had said, “Hey, use your fork” they would have done it. While we had some normal day-to-day limits-testing, neither of our kids ever outright defied us – not once they got past 2 or 3, anyway.
That’s why I asked if the OP’s kid was usually defiant. There’s a difference between “Use your fork” “NO!” – which would have concerned me very much and which I would not have tolerated – and the kid using his fork for a bit and then abandoning it because he’s having difficulty with it somehow.
My daughter, by the way, has Cerebral Palsy and some fine motor-skill issues. Her table manners, consequently, are a little idiosyncratic. However, by the time she was four, she could use some utensils (not a knife to cut; which she still has trouble with unless she uses a special knife), and we were working on getting her table manners up to a reasonable compromise between what she’s capable of, and what will be societally acceptable once she’s out in the real world.
My sister’s kids, on the other hand, were not taught table manners – they rarely ate together as a family for a variety of reasons. Into their teenage years, they still ate messily, often with their hands; chewed with their mouths open; etc. Really pretty bad. They all three had troubles once they got into college and the workforce. They were smart enough to see that other people ate differently than they did and to be embarrassed by their own habits. It would have been a lot easier for them all if they had learned decent table manners as children.
Does he say “No” when you direct him to use his fork, or does he just ignore you? I wouldn’t have tolerated “No” from my kids at that age, to tell you the truth. An outright “No” would have gotten them sent to bed without supper, more for the defiance than for the table-manners. But, obviously, I was pretty strict.
If my kid was ignoring me, I’d have put the fork in his hand and repeated, “We use our forks to eat, not our hands.” I may have had to repeat this action several times; since my kids weren’t prone to outright defiance, but were somewhat prone to ‘forgetting’ things I’d told them to do. Eventually he’ll get the habit. I do think it’s important to start instilling this in him, now, though – as I said about my sister’s kids, table manners are important, and they are better taught earlier than later.
This is what trying to reinforce good table manners is attempting to prevent; nobody wants to watch/hear someone chew with their mouth open, make a big mess, or have really messy hands after a non-finger foods meal. It can be a tough struggle, but reinforcing it with your own good manners and not letting the kids be boors at the dinner table will pay off in the long run. (I have my handful of “nobody’s around” manners backsliding, like picking up the bowl to eat from, but when I’m around others, my table manners are pretty meticulous. It has, however, made me more observant of other people’s lack of table manners.)
Phrases like this helped me to learn good manners and habits because it made the instructions apply to not just me, but everyone else around me.
He doesn’t need to know the difference between a shrimp fork and a dinner fork (yet), but try to get him used to using a butter knife and fork while eating.
This is how it goes down. Plate is put in front of him with a fork. He picks up the fork and has a bite with it. Then he puts the fork down and picks his food up with his hands. My husband says, “Don’t use your fingers. Use your fork.” He takes his hands out of his food, then for the next bite, sticks his hand in there again. I say, “Ah! Fork, please.” He gives me a “Oops!” look. Then he uses his fingers again. Last night, at this point, I took his dinner away. This was a reward for him. He didn’t have to eat dinner. When he asked for something to eat later, we gave him his dinner again. He ate two bites with a fork (and a lot of whining). Then bed. The dinner table has become a complete battleground and I want that to stop. If it’s not the fork thing, it’s just getting him to sit still and have three bites of food. So, when he sits still and eats his whole dinner with his fingers, it seems like a not very good idea to then harp on the fork thing, IYKWIM. Very frustrating.
I think the kiddy chopsticks and high-sided plates are good ideas. I’ll try those.
Yes, I can see how frustrating it must be. Can you think of a positive reinforcer? Something special he would get if he eats his whole meal nicely with his fork, but that he doesn’t get if he ‘forgets?’
My kids rarely got to eat in front of the TV, so that was a real treat for them. Is he mature enough to understand a ‘fork chart’,’ with checks for each meal he eats properly. Then, if he eats properly for 6 meals, he gets a treat-dinner in front of the TV?
I actually used that reward when my kids were a bit older than yours (6 and 7, I think). In our case, it wasn’t table-manners, but some other behavior I was tryng to get them to stop. I don’t remember what the behaviors were, although I believe it was two different things, one for each of them. Anyway, something they were doing that was driving me crazy and I couldn’t get them to cut it out. What we did was, each kid had a certain number of checks on a wipeboard for each day. I think it was 2 or 3 checks. Each time one of them did the naughty thing, I erased one check. At bedtime (before teethbrushing, of course), they’d get some Skittles if they still had at least 1 check remaining. Candy was a big treat for them, too, obviously. Then, at the end of the week, if they had at least one check remaining for each day, I rented them a movie, bought them Happy Meals for dinner and let them eat in front of the TV. This worked really well for my kids.
At 4, he absolutely should be able to use a fork. It sounds like you’re giving him consistent instruction, so there are four possibilities here:
A hearing problem. Which can be tested for, and would be pretty obvious by this age.
A fine-motor problem. Which you have ruled out, but I would be more confident if an Occupational Therapist had ruled it out. You use totally different muscles and movements for a fork and…well, pretty much anything else. Pencils and mouses don’t tell you that his fine adductors and anterior flexors are working properly. Being able to demonstrate a skill and being able to maintain it over a 20 minute period are two different things. An OT will have lots of fun games to play to strengthen those muscle groups and increase flexibility of the arm and hand, if that’s what’s needed. It’d be a shame to start a power struggle over something that has an organic origin. Your pediatrician and possibly your preschool can give you an OT for an evaluation.
A different way of doing things. He might just not see the sense in it. He doesn’t understand that how he behaves affects others. Right now, he just thinks Mommy’s awfully cranky about this for some reason. I would set up a small table to the side and face him away from the main table. Isolate him, but still insist he stay there until everyone else is done. Explain that this is because he can certainly make the choice to not use a fork, but you’re exercising your choice, and your family’s choice, to not have gross table manners at your family table. A few boring meals alone and he might decide it’s better to civilize himself. Or not, but at least you won’t have to look at it.
A behavioral problem. It might just be defiance. If all of the above have been ruled out, then going to bed without dinner might be the only option.
I also wouldn’t offer him dinner again later. We have a pretty strict meal and snack schedule for a reason - there’s always another chance in a few hours, but you don’t get to dither around and make demands on my time. Don’t like breakfast? OK, we’ll have a snack at 10. Don’t like snack? OK, lunch will be at noon. No one is going to starve, but no one is forced to eat, either.
If he won’t use a fork, tell him you’ll have to feed him. Taking food away doesn’t work, my son could have cared less if he ate.
I don’t know your child of course. But I solved this very problem with Youngest by giving him a spoon and taking away his knife (we are in Holland, everybody eats with a fork and knife) and serenely informing him that it was clear to me that he just wasn’t big enough to eat with a knife and fork yet, because people big enough to eat with a knife and fork do not eat with their hands.
It took about three days, as he is stubborn. Then he asked for and got got a baby knife and fork so he could show me that he could do it in the face of my patent doubt that he was big enough. Then he got a regular knife and fork back.
Though he started asking to have his spaghetti cut up to eat it with a spoon then and still prefers it that way – he just turned five. Other than that he uses a fork and knife since that time.
It seems like people may be skipping over what you say about dinner being a recently won battle. Having your son actually sit down and eat is much more important than utensils at this stage. If my son were in a similar situation I would set a date for using a fork (the birthday could work). I would then explain to him how great he’s been doing at dinner time, and that when he turned four he was giong to use a fork “just like Mommy.” I would remind him daily about the upcoming change (at a quiet time when he’s receptive, NOT during the meal), then on his birthday present him with a couple of character forks. Then at each mealtime eat (or at least sit) with him, and when he forgot to use a fork, remind him in a silly way ("whoops - we almost forgot. Now that you’re four you use the fork).