My point was that sometimes the decision* isn’t* out of our hands, but a mother or family might choose to supplement with formula anyway. Not just because breast feeding didn’t work even though mom tried really really hard, but maybe because some of each makes more sense for their family even though breast feeding is going just fine.
This is not the message that many women get though, from their friends or their mommy groups or on internet message boards. What they hear is that formula will make your baby sick or stupid, that they should do everything they can to give only breast milk for the full first year, that formula is only for those who tried and failed and had no other choice, even though everyone is way too “nonjudgemental” to actually call it failing…right?
I never experienced any corporate pressure to use formula in the hospital, but I did get a lot of pressure to breast feed if I wanted to be a “good mommy”. In the end I did both, a few sessions of nursing every day but also a bottle or two of formula for when I didn’t feel like breast feeding or it was inconvenient. And why on earth would anyone care what another woman is feeding her baby anyway?
I second this. I never got any pressure to bottle feed - it was all from the other side, and it was hateful and judgmental and pretty much constant.
I bottle fed both of my children by choice, never wanted to breast feed, and have no regrets. After LOTS of research, I found the science to be questionable and the bonding issues bullshit.
But I did get pressure to use formula from my ob/gyn who said “You don’t have to put yourself through that.” I was given a complimentary can of Similac at every visit after 20 weeks. I just gave my niece28 cans of formula. 28. My nurse practioner said “It will wreck your breasts.” From my girlfriends: “Eww. I was not comfortable with that.” A couple expressed concern I might whip out a boob in front of the husbands. My sister warned me I’d better not nurse in public. And my entire inlaw family has done and said everything possible to give me shit about breastfeeding including claiming I’m shortchanging her (her!) by not allowing others to feed her formula. Mom in law and aunt blame baby’s every complaint on me “What did you eat for lunch??” They blame her gas on me. Blamed me for her hair loss. Continue to ask “How will she get the vitamins and minerals she needs if all she eats is breastmilk?” Last checkup baby was in the 62% for weight, 92% height. She’s healthy and strong. And I could go on, but I’m so sick of their fighting me on this and the holidays are upon me. It’s only going to get worse. You see, there is a backlash and criticism campaign against nursing. It goes both ways and I could have used some support from someone other than a couple-three people in this thread.
Both sides evidently suffer from selective hearing during this sensitive period, because we’re talking past one another. Both sides sides have their benefits, but nursing is the first line of attack and needs to be encouraged and supported. If breastfeeding isn’t an option, formula will do just fine.
This is my point as well. If someone says they want to breastfeed, the response should not be, “OK, if you must, but don’t stress yourself out doing it! I have a friend who was pressured into it! The bonding issues are bullshit! You really don’t have to martyr yourself this way! And it will probably ruin your breasts! I have some formula here for you just in case!” Etc., etc.
And if someone says they’ve chosen to formula feed, the response should not be, “OK, but don’t you know all the benefits of breastfeeding? Are you sure you really tried hard enough? Breast is really great, you know. Do you know that our society is rigged to make sure that mothers fail at breastfeeding? Wouldn’t it be great if there were a milk bank you could go to? You should probably try just a little harder.” Etc., etc.
And then all of us will be just a little bit less traumatized and a little bit less shell-shocked, and we can talk about this issue without it turning into a giant mass of hurt and anger and bad feelings. In my opinion.
It’s true, Ms Whatsit. (Loved L’Engle growing up) But we must have needed to vent, because I didn’t start the thread looking to complain that my friends and inlaws think I’m breastfeeding because I’m a hairy-legged granola crunching hippy or an exhibitionist. I hide in back rooms. I smother baby with scarves. I pump for no other reason than to allow the mother in law to feed the baby because to her it’s a crucial bonding mechanism. My poor dad usually exits the room though his own wife nursed two kids. And my sister the nurse says I’m doing great but she’s so weirded out by the process that she either throws a blanket over us or moves to the other side of the room. The total of people in this entire experience who support and defend me is 3. I need help, and I’m seriously grateful that I found it here.
I made a nursing necklace out of the colorful, textured rings that suspend toys over her play mat. It’s such a good idea. I’ve nursed before offering solids since lunch yesterday and that’s working, too. Any other great feeding/nursing ideas would be greatly appreciated. Y’all are great.
And until there is an answer to this question, it will continue to be a crucible of guilt, because women have to weigh an unknown amount of damage against very real costs in terms of their happiness, comfort, and professional lives.
Parenthood–hell, existing in a society–is a constant battle of balancing needs and wants. The old “Angel of the House” model demanded that a mother put both her needs and her desires behind the wishes or even slight inclinations of every other member of the household. We’ve largely rejected that model, thank god. We recognize that it’s okay–better, even–for a woman to try to negotiate a balance between her responsibilities to her children and having her own space, to put her own needs ahead of her kids’ desires. We still expect a mother to be willing to give up a kidney to save her kid’s life, but we no longer expect her to stay in a miserable marriage to save her child the upheaval and distress of a divorce. But here, with breast feeding, because we have no sense of proportion, no way to balance, there’s no way to know the opportunity cost, there’s no way to know if you’ve tried enough. So what’s left is guilt.
We are talking past each other right here. You’re happy to let women off the hook when breastfeeding “isn’t an option”, but what about when it is an option, but has high costs? Telling a woman “Hey, if you just couldn’t do it, that’s fine” just makes her feel like shit when she knows she could have done it, if she had just tried a little harder, had just accepted a little less sleep, had just quit her job, had just hired one more lactation consultant etc.
Exactly. I honest to god believe that people who would never question another woman’s decision to abort–her body, her choice–would feel obligated to “educate” any woman who opted to formula feed when she didn’t “have to”. Maybe it’s not ideal, but in this day and age, formula is as essential a tool for feminism and woman’s liberation as are the pill and the right to an abortion. Both allow women to have a modicum of control over their own body, and I would never question a woman over her decision to use any of them.
Not talking past you, MandaJo. “isn’t an option” implies no judgement. Gotta go back to work? Baby won’t latch? C section hard to recover from? Inverted nipples? Modest? Weirded out by the idea? Then breastfeeding isn’t an option for you. Anyone who demands to know “Why aren’t you nursing?” is impolite and undeserving of an explanation. Same for people who question my choice, but I’m questioned by everyone and I do answer. Formula is the norm in my region across all socioeconomic groups. I’m the freak, and this was the only place I could turn for some quick n dirty advice.
Well, I left my boyfriend of ten years because he didn’t want children and ran off with an old friend who wanted kids. Since the boyfriend was the Nicest Guy in the World, he rightfully won all our cool, kind hearted friends. I haven’t exactly found my niche in the New Guy’s uber competitive jock crowd, but I do have this awesome baby. So I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice. I only shared my negative experience to demonstrate there’s just as much push-back and crappy feedback for nursing moms, too, and I only just now discovered I’ve set myself back socially60 years by nursing my kid.
Seriously, there is nothing but backlash against nursing in the Appalachian region. Formula isn’t seen as a feminist tool, it’s a symbol of disposable income and upward mobility. The only women who are pro-nursing are top tier economically and enjoying reviving a “fad”. I don’t know how breastfeeding will play out here in the long run, I just want to get through her first year without screwing up. It’s been easy for my body, easy because I’m home with her, and easy to justify because her milestones and progress have been fantastic. All I wanted was a little advice about feeding, had no idea this would deteriorate into a debate. I’ve had exactly 13 months of pro-formula rhetoric, and nearly six months of “When will you wean her?” It’s nuts. I’ve been telling everyone 18.
I’m sorry - not just for your thread turning into a shout fest, but also because you have a bad support group, for whatever it is.
My advice is simple - you have to try very hard to screw up a kid. Like, locking her up in a closet and feeding her decayed mice and vodka. Don’t sweat it - I promise you’ll be fine.
Just be glad she’s a girl, and you weren’t forced to start a circumsion thread. :eek:
I noticed you said you’ve never fed out in public - I was really reluctant to do so until a friend dragged me to a mums and bubs movie session which was a godsend. Dim but still on lights, everyone staring ahead and lots of other mums and kids running around made it a great place to practice without feeling like the centre of attention. If you have anything like that around you, I’d urge you to try.
Also, I made myself a “hooter hider” (sold also as Bebe Au Lait etc) which uses some nylon to create a little hoop to hold the cloth open so you can make eye contact with the baby, and hangs around your neck so no little hands can jerk it off and expose the good china. If you’re handy you might find this easier to use than all the scarves etc you’re using? Here’s a good tutorial (plus Prudent Baby is a cool site for lots of fun creative kiddy stuff).
Just a random thought here, If there is something her body requires and for some reason is not getting enough from breast milk she may seek out different sources. I don’t think it’s anything to be alarmed with but I think you need to be mindful that her body might know what it needs and perhaps should not be restricted.
That has been my line of reasoning so far, kanicbird, and exactly the reason I followed her lead and offered her protein a couple months earlier than the norm. She showed intense interest in the savory dishes I was eating, and after letting her have a few tastes, I dumped soup in the blender and she seemed thrilled. I’m less concerned about her adventurous appetite(that’s a good thing) than I am about my milk supply. I will continue to offer what she shows an interest in. You’re right, instinct is our best guide in many things.
I don’t see why either the question “why are you nursing?” or the question “why aren’t you nursing?” deserves any answer besides “it’s nice of you to be concerned, but she’s doing great”. Then you change the subject, and blandly ignore any further comments on the subject.
Both my kids are adopted, and the Lovely and Talented Mrs. Shodan still got shit from some people.
