I’ve noticed this for a couple of years now, but now that I’m really hanging out on parenting boards in preparation for our new arrival, I’ve noticed it in spades.
I think BFing is even more of a hot issue than circumcision (and that’s saying a LOT). I do hope to BF, but due to surgery 10 years ago, I’m not sure that it’s going to be a possibility - so if I can’t, I’m making sure that I absolutely do NOT feel guilty over not being able to do so.
But I see a TON of guilt heaped on moms who choose not to breastfeed for various reasons, and an air of superiority from some (SOME, not ALL) moms who breastfeed. I also see a lot of guilt from the moms who aren’t able to breastfeed - some even a year after their baby was born.
What the heck? Yes, we all know the health benefits of breastfeeding, but is your kid really going to come to you at age 25 and say “Gee, Mom, thanks for breastfeeding me!”?
I sound like I’m against BFing here - I’m not at all - I definitely want to do it if I can. But I don’t understand the guilt heaped onto non-bfing moms or moms who weren’t able to breastfeed even though they tried.
I have never understood the debate. I think you do the best you can. Breastmilk may be the most healthful choice, but for some women it’s just not possible, either due to medical reasons, or just because it doesn’t work out. I think each mom needs to figure out what works best for her and her baby, it’s an individual choice.
For me I was lucky, baby did both breastfeeding and formula. It really hurt at the beginning though, but ultimately it was worth it.
Breastfeeding is best. But, if you can’t do to medical issues, you can’t. For some reason my milk failed after about two months (Ivyboy lost a pound, not a good thing for a four-month old) and I had to supplement with forumula.
Do try, if you can. If not, then do what’s best for Elza Jr and don’t worry about it.
I don’t have any answers for you, but I’d be interested to know why, too. A close friend, after the birth of her first child, was made to feel like a criminal by the nurses because she asked for a bottle for her baby after repeatedly trying to breastfeed her with no success. Turned out, the baby had a very serious case of acid reflux and ended up in the hospital for two weeks getting it straightened out. Still, my friend felt terrible about how these nurses had treated her. It was terrifying for a first-time mom who desperately wanted to breastfeed. I’m sure this was just a case of really bad nurses, but why do some people get this way about this? I don’t get it.
I’ve had strangers…STRANGERS…in public ask me if I plan on breastfeeding.
The hospital I will be giving birth in is notorious for their breastfeeding coaches who actually brought my friend to tears with the bullying behavior (she went early and had no milk and the pump did not work). Aside: Don’t get me started on the women who turn their noses that I won’t be giving birth at a midwife-based birthcenter. :rolleyes:
And then there are the 'boards. I swear these women have to be on some sort of instant alert list, whereby they are immediately notified if a soon-2B-mom asks what kind of bottle is closest to the breast, or what formulas worked for them…especially it seems, if the question is not about the debate, but a question for moms who do not breastfeed.
Can they point me to some studies where babies are dying from lack of breastmilk?
Anyway, I plan on breastfeeding, if I can. I will not use a pump. I am not a dairy cow.
Breastmilk is best - best for the baby, best for the mom - there are numerous health benefits for both. Plus, there are emotional benefits too.
Although breastfeeding is ‘natural’, it’s not always easy or comfortable or convenient - which leads many mothers to stop. I think the moms who persevere feel very proud of themselves (and rightly so) and look down on the women who don’t try or who “give up”. I think b/f moms feel that those who don’t are somehow devaluing the importance of breastfeeding.
I love being able to breastfeed my baby - I look at how much she has grown and I feel very proud that MY body is still giving her everything that she needs to grow and develop, even 15 months after she was conceived. It has been a struggle, and without the support of my husband, I don’t know if I would have been able to do it. So yes, I am very proud of myself, of my husband, and of my baby for learning how to nurse after being bottlefed for her first month of life.
Elza B - being pregnant, you’ve probably already noticed the STRANGE competitiveness of every woman who tells you about HER pregnancy, HER labour & delivery, HER baby’s sleeping habits and eating habits, and so on and so on. It’s a weird compulsion that seems to come over almost every woman when the topic comes up.
Don’t let it get to you - do whatever YOU feel is best, and if nursing doesn’t work out, maybe pumping will help, and if you have no milk at all, then go with formula without a second thought. Even with formula there is controversy - Omega 3’s? Allergy Formulas? Soy-based (have heard bad things-only to be used if lactose can’t be tolerated)? Etc etc.
Hehehe - well, I will be giving birth with a midwife and having a waterbirth, but the midwife was recommended to me by a good friend, and I’m interested in the waterbirth because :eek: I know it helps stretch things out down there and I am scared to DEATH of tearing. I’m not afraid of the pain (after my surgery 10 years ago, the pain is the least of my worries), but the tearing scares me to death. (And my mother refuses to hear about the water birth…she thinks I’m a little wacko…).
And yes, my 70 year old AUNT asked me if I plan on breastfeeding and then proceeded to give me reasons WHY she thought it was better and how every mom should try to breastfeed. (And I know her kids were formula-fed because she told me they were :smack: ). I think it’s great that she has an opinion about it, but seriously - I don’t want my 70 year old aunt asking what I’m planning to do with my boobs anymore than I want my dad asking me, you know?
I haven’t gotten the questions in public, but I’ve just really started looking pregnant in the last couple of weeks. That kills me - strangers?? Like it’s any of their business!
It’s funny, though - I don’t think I’ll feel guilty if I can’t BF - the surgery was not something I could avoid, so it’s not like I was able to make much of a choice. I’ve already bought a few bottles and signed up for formula coupons just in case without feeling any guilt whatsoever (although if I can BF, the bottles will be needed anyway, since I’m going back to work.).
It just seems like new moms have enough guilt heaped on them - as long as the baby is happy and healthy, then what’s the big deal?
And I think that’s great - my sister-in-law is still bf-ing my six month old nephew and I’m really, really proud of her - he’s the perfect baby (okay, I’m a little biased;)), and I think the fact that she’s been able to stick it out until six months old is pretty awesome - she didn’t really have any issues with bfing, but she’s a working mom, so I know that’s a whole 'nother challenge right there. She also knows about my situation, and she has been nothing but supportive - offering me BOTH her double breast pump and her unused formula coupons, whichever ones I need . (And that’s fantastic that you’re still going strong - it’s a definite accomplishment!)
That’s the thing - I figure if I can, I’ll be happy (I do already have a breast pump, although it’ll be nice to get my SILs because it’s a lot nicer than the one I bought), but if I can’t - well, you can’t get blood from a stone and it won’t be because I didn’t try. Before getting pregnant, I really did think it would be the worst thing in the world if I couldn’t BF, but now that he’s on the way, I’m realizing that in the overall scheme of his life, it will not be make-or-break. He’s going to be madly loved whether I BF him or formula-feed him, you know? He already is.
Thanks:) - I think I felt bad for a friend today who’s feeling guilty about quitting breastfeeding because it was such a painful process for her. And seeing some of the snarkier comments (labeled as ‘suggestions’) really pissed me off for her, especially when it’s obvious that she’s already feeling horrible enough.
He’s due August 19th, but based on family history, I’m pretty much expecting him a coupe of weeks early (it’s just a feeling I have - not that my midwife has said anything or there’s reason to be concerned).
Yes it’s natural but it’s not effortless. It does take some work, and in the bygone era, a new mother had the support of her own mom, sisters and aunts who had all done it before to help her through the rough spots. There was no alternative, so a mom HAD to work at it.
I make no judgment on people who don’t breastfeed. I don’t know everyone’s circumstances! (I myself formula-fed one and my circumstances were not something that would be immediately clear to the casual observer.) I do, however, offer my guidance and advice to anyone who sincerely wants to take it. I don’t get a whole lot of takers. Why? My humble opinion is, despite what the busybodies and some nurses and others who bombard new mothers with the YOU MUST BREASTFEED message, our society overwhelmingly supports formula feeding. Bottles are synonymous with babies. Daytime television is rampant with formula commecials complete with big, fat healthy contented babies feeding happily at their bottles. Working mothers have to jump through hoops – or even face outright “no’s” – to get the time and an acceptable place to pump. Formula companies give free samples and coupons to hospitals to distribute to new mothers “if they choose to formula feed.” But, there’s no money behind breastfeeding, and bottle-feeding is presented as the norm.
It’s faddish for the busybodies to ask about breastfeeding, because the message has gotten out that it’s best. But in reality, it’s just the normal way babies eat. A harried new mother hears “it’s best” and she thinks, “I’m so tired I can’t think, the baby’s crying, this breastfeeding is hard, I’m home alone, there’s no one to help me … I’ll just open the formula. It’s the best I can do.” See the difference, there? Somehow breastfeeding gets elevated to the “superior” level, placed way up there where it’s unachievable, and the harried new mother sees it as some unattainable goal, rather than today’s crisis is a hurdle to be overcome.
Of course that’s not true of everyone. There are many cases where there’s a medical reason a mother can’t nurse.
So, I guess my message is, it’s extremely unfortuante nursing advocates are dishing out the guilt, when compassion, advice and understanding would probably go a whole lot further.
I formula-fed one and nursed three. (Heck I’m still nursing my 19-month old!) And I work full-time.
I think a larger perspective is needed. As early as 1900, doctors understood the link between feeding babies cow’s milk and malnutrition or death from diarrhea. In 1910, there were 2 different campaigns directed at mothers: one of them promoting breastfeeding, and one of them promoting cleaner cow’s milk for babies. By the 1930’s, the cleaner cow’s milk campaign had won, ensuring pasteurized milk and safe ice-box handling for milk at home. Breastfeeding fell out of favor.
By 1971, only 24% of women nursed their babies even once. Early weaning and cow milk or formula supplementation were ubiquitous.
During the seventies and eighties, breastfeeding rates waxed and waned, due to social movements more than anything else. There were some areas of the country where granola crunchy hippie mothering, breastfeeding included was the norm, but only among white, college educated women. In most of the country, formula was still prefered. Of course, as formulas got better and better nutritionally, it became less of a hot button issue. Still, the medical community found new compounds in breast milk and new benefits to breastfeeding all the time.
Not until 2001, in response to campaigns aimed at black urban mothers on WIC and other similar programs, as well as well-publicized information about the health benefits - everything from increase in IQ to decrease in asthma and obesity - did breastfeeding hit a new high of 69.5% of mothers trying it at least once.
So the pendulum has swung from breastmilk to formula to breastmilk and is now somewhere in the middle of the two. There are still those out there who are so aware of the nutritional and emotional benefits of breastmilk (which are very, very real) that they, like any zealots, are out to convert others by any means necessary. They may be misguided or bitchy, but they’re not wrong: 99% of the time, breastmilk is best. Of course, that isn’t helpful information is you can’t fit it into your life, for whatever reason.
I’ll admit I get really annoyed at people who refuse to breastfeed because it’s “icky” or “inconvenient”. (I recognize that the OP is NOT saying either of these, but I have heard them from others and suspect so have the rabid message board women.) Those, in my personal ethics, are not good enough reasons to deprive a child of very important health and emotional benefits.
I also wanted so badly to breastfeed both of mine, and couldn’t, so there’s a lot of personal sour grapes in it for me. I recognize that. I spent 15 months pumping because my nipples are too large for a proper latch, and was only able to pump half her supply. I don’t view that as extraordinary, I view that as the minimum I could do for my daughter. Honestly, I feel guilty I didn’t pump for two full years. I’d watch my friend’s nurse and feel very jealous indeed. I can’t fathom not wanting that experience.
However, the more rational part of me realizes that people have to do what they think is right for them. Even if it’s for a reason that isn’t good enough for me. I’m not about to mandate breastfeeding, but I will encourage it at every opportunity. That may include expressing my disappointment in those who won’t even try, but in the end, I support every woman’s right to choose how to feed her baby.
Well, perhaps, if they are well informed. I’ve certainly talked about it with my mother, and am very grateful that she nursed me. I’m the only person in our family with zero allergies or asthma, and I can’t think why not, if not for the milk. I’m also very intelligent and was never sick as an infant. I had two ear infections ever. Unfortunately, I am obese, so I didn’t get that benefit, but overall, nursing served me well! Those experiences certainly weighed on my decision to pump for my daughter.
My wife nursed both kids for about a year (my daughter didn’t quite make it, she was “bitey”). Mostly she did so because she wanted to and because of the health benfits that were touted, specifically, reduction of chances for asthma. Well my son has asthma and allergies and my daughter has pretty strong nasal allergies, so we kinda went bust there (ha, a pun!).
Even still I think she’d do it again, but maybe for less amount of time. The boy was extremely slow, and had a hard time “latching on”.
And I understand that - I definitely want that experience, especially after seeing my nephew and my SIL nursing - I am very much hoping to experience it (I think I want to be able to breastfeed more than I let on, I’m just trying to prepare myself for what may be the inevitable, you know? I keep seeing women who are leaking at 20/21 weeks, I haven’t had any kind of leakage, so it makes me think there’s not going to be anything when he’s born.).
I think it’s the whole ‘breast is best’ thing that bugs me - I don’t know how anyone could give birth in the modern US without hearing that umpteen times - and maybe it does create a LOT of unecessary guilt in moms who are unable to BF. So when I see someone absolutely devastated by the fact that they’re unable to do so, it really makes me sad for them, especially when it’s pretty obvious that they’re great moms.
I don’t really understand the whole choosing not to bf from the start, either, but that’s only because I’ve never NOT considered at least trying - some of it’s selfish, I’d really rather not spend money on formula if we don’t have to. But I figure they’re making the decision that they feel is best for their family.
ON one of the parenting boards I go to there is a woman with a signature that includes “It’s Formula, not rat poison.” I thought she had an excellent point.
I’m a HUGE believer in breastfeeding, but I realize it doesn’t work for everyone. It does bother me the people that think it’s “gross” or people like my horrible sister-in-law, who had all these plans to breastfeed her baby for one week so it would help the baby out. One week! Then she gave up after one single try. And now when I’m BFing my daughter, she’ll tell her now-three-year-old that she “used to feed you like that, but it didnt’ work out”. Of course, I have issues with my sister in law anyway.
I say try it. Give it at least 6 weeks. Then make your decision from there. I wanted to quit so many times, but once I got past about 6 or 8 weeks, it’s my favorite thing ever.
Also, to people who say they would never pump, I say that you should think about that too. I had a 32 week baby who was too small to eat. I pumped for her until she was big enough to try to breastfeed and I pumped for her all through learning how to breastfeed. Every ounce she put on was due to the goodies in mommy’s preemie milk (which is different than a full term baby’s milk). And the breast pump in our NICU had cow stickers all over it!! LOL
For what it’s worth, my mother (a breastfeeding champ in 1974) never leaked once, not even once I was born and squalling. She had no let-down sensation, either. And teeny-tiny boobs (a B cup while engorged!). But she had more than enough milk for me. So don’t stress. Either you’ll make no milk, some milk, or lots of milk. Two chances out of three that you’ll be able to nurse at least some.
And, of course, there’s supplemental feeders if you want the experience of breastfeeding. You can even put formula in them. I couldn’t go that route 'cause of the latching issue, but if you do have non-productive breasts, you can still “nurse”.
While I agree that breastfeeding is best, I also think that it’s way, way out of line to try to shame people into doing it. If a woman doesn’t want to nurse, I don’t care what her reasons are, it’s her decision.
There are plenty of things worse for a baby than bottle-feeding. A miserably unhappy mother, for one.
Elza, leaking isn’t an indicator that you won’t be able to nurse! I never leaked while pregnant; in fact I never leaked much even while nursing. It’s pretty individualized.
I will offer you a tip, though – try acquiring a mindset that you can nurse, not that you might not be able to. It could make a world of difference! After all, the human species has survived. You, too, can be a part of what has sustained us!
I am the (now) happy father of a (now) healthy 4 1/2 month old.
We had an extremely unpleasant experience with the whole breastfeeding gig. After being bombarded with the propaganda, we were determined to give it a go - only to find that the baby had other ideas.
We tried everything to make it work. We had breast-feeding consultants. Many of them. I hired a specialist nurse to come to our house, at huge expense. We had pumps, tubes for fingers, all sorts of techniques; we consulted relatives, parents, midwives, doulas; we tried everything - and the baby was not really gaining weight and not really thriving in the first month. The baby simply would not latch properly; my wife was not really making enough milk. We were told, repeatedly by everyone, that this situation “was not possible”; that “everyone has enough milk” and that “a baby will learn to latch (if only you put enough effort into it)”. We were told “no supplementing, or you will never be able to breast-feed”.
Finally, we said “the hell with this”. What was more important - our baby’s health, or fulfilling expectations that we should breast-feed?
We dropped all of the “experts”. For a couple of months, my wife pumped and supplemented. Now we are on formula only. The baby seems healthy and happy. I’m more than a bit bitter about the professional advice we got, though, which seemed to me to be more focused on “breastfeeding is good” than on “the health of our baby is good”.
(And I know her kids were formula-fed because she told me they were :smack: ). I think it’s great that she has an opinion about it, but seriously - I don’t want my 70 year old aunt asking what I’m planning to do with my boobs anymore than I want my dad asking me, you know?
. (And that’s fantastic that you’re still going strong - it’s a definite accomplishment!)