Parents - can you guys help me understand mine?

In My Humble Opinion
1

There’s kind of a long lead-up to this, so I’ll try to make it as concise as can be. Any feedback is more than welcome.

I’m a sophomore in college, pretty well on the other side of the country from where I grew up and my parents still live. Since high school we’ve had an agreement: they will pay for all “school” expenses (tuition, room/board, and they’ll help paying for me to travel to and from breaks). If I ask, they’re also usually willing to help out with incidentals (eg, they generally hand me fifty bucks or so before I head back to school, if I really want a book that’s not for school or something and am currently broke they may help). So I’m still completely financially dependent on them.

Last year, from December to December, I took a year off from school. For eight months I lived abroad and was almost entirely self-supporting. I bought my ticket out and everything, paid my own rent, etc. Once I had to ask them to loan me money for rent (which I’ve since repaid), and they handled the payments for the two loans which we needed to start paying. So aside from the student loans, I wasn’t dependent on them for that year.

Now I’m starting to plan what I’m doing this summer. My school employs a number of students over the summer and some of them can live on-campus, which is my ideal plan. If that doesn’t work, I’ll probably move in with a friend in town for the summer and get a job someplace in town. I’ve asked them to consider helping me out with either on-campus accommodation (which would include meals) or just the initial deposit/first month if I stay in town.

For some reason, my parents are unhappy about this. I’ve made it perfectly clear that I’d like to stay in Santa Fe (school) this summer. They alternate between just not taking it seriously (“Okay, but maybe you should start applying for some jobs here anyway”) and sounding annoyed at it (“Well, fine, stay there this summer then,” in that ‘parent tone’). It’s really obvious that they want me to go stay with them for the summer.

To me, it’s a fairly clean-cut issue. I’m already involuntarily on the 5-year degree path*; I’m trying hard to minimize my loserdom and a significant part of that is ‘not living with my parents like I did in high school’. I have a lot of friends who will be out here this summer; I literally have kept in touch with two people from high school. School is literally minutes away from a state forest and some of the most beautiful hiking in the southwest; my parents live in suburban New Jersey. Staying at school means no need to buy expensive plane tickets and ship things cross-country. The end cost to my parents (if they help me with rent vs have me in their house) is probably about the same.

So…what’s going on with their attitude towards the issue? How do I make them see that it’s not a personal affront (it’s not; nor was my going to school so far away in the first place, nor was my moving to Europe for eight months last year) or intended insult? I don’t want to fight with them over this issue, but I can’t think of a single reason why they’re so against me in this.

2

Perhaps they see that the time when they will have a darling daughter at home is growing short, and they are are reluctant to see it further shortened.

3

They just want to spend time with you, that’s all. They probably don’t really care about the money, but I bet they don’t like being hit up for cash so that you can stay away from them, especially if you just went to Europe for a year. I have to say, it sounds like you’re trying to have it both ways to a certain degree (like a lot of college kids). You want to think of yourself as “independent,” but you also want the 'rental units to step up with some cash now and then.

I know you think spending a summer with your folks won’t be as fun as partying on campus (that’s really what it boils down to, isn’t it? Don’t try to deny it. We were your age once. We know the score. ;)) but it would still make your parents very happy. Maybe you should consider giving them one last summer. It won’t suck as much as you fear. You have the rest of your life to be an independent adult.

You’re probably rolling your eyes at that suggestion. I would have done the same thing. Youth is wasted on the young.

4

One day you could be anticipating a lovely summer with your nearly grown child.

The last, quite possibly, before they move on to full independence from you.

Only to find yourself instead being rushed to ‘Less important than my life’ status.

All parents end up there one day, of course, and probably ahead of the schedule they would have set.

That doesn’t make it any easier when you thought you’d get one more summer, but now the lure of some maybe job in a college town trumps it.

They love you, that’s all.

5

Well, I couldn’t have said it any better than any of the other posters already did…

they miss you, they love you, they want one more summer of you.

That is all.

6

I agree with the previous posters.

My Mom always said that by the time I grew up and became someone she really WANTED to spend time with, I moved away. It’s tough for parents sometimes, because the real job is to work yourself out of a job.

Maybe you could sweeten the pot by looking into opportunities for them to come see you this summer? Perhaps they’d enjoy some of that hiking, too.

7

Speaking as a daddy bigbucks.
After a while it gets to the point of “What do you mean you need a check? Jesus H. Christ, I just gave you a check.”
No matter how frugal you are, when I am writing the checks, it can seem like you are pissing money out of a fire hose.

I have the best daughter ever, but at times, I think, that she thinks, that I am made of money.
[chanting]One more quarter, just one more quarter[/chanting]

8

Could it be insurance? IIRC, our company health insurance won’t cover a non-student who isn’t living under my roof (past a certain age). Perhaps your year ‘off’ moved you into a different category (adult, non-student) and they’re merely worried about making sure you’re covered. (I realize this doesn’t apply everywhere, but I don’t know your location).

9

I understand the sentiment of your post but must disagree with your conclusion. The “last summer” at my parents was the most aggravating, stab-myself-in-the-eye, unpleasant 3 months I have ever spent in their company. “My house/my rules” is a perfectly sensible rule; its also perfectly sensible to chafe at those rules when you are 20 and only home because they “just want to spend that last summer” together.

Ultimately, its a whopping fun chance to get treated like a child… just the special sort of family bonding we all love so much.

My parents are great people. I just want to strangle them if I have to spend more than 3 consecutive days under their roof. (I’m 31)

I say don’t do it. Throw them a bone, though. Make a special effort to visit them at the nearest important family holiday, or organize a visit for them to your area, or whatever you have to do. Just DON’T spend the summer at home, bored and resentful, just because mumsy misses her widdle baby girl.

10

I have to agree with Hello Again. It’s like potato chips. There will never be enough summers. If you reluctantly give in and spend “one last summer” there this summer, then you’ll have all these same arguments and resentments next summer. SOME summer is going to be the first summer you’re away, and they’re not going to be happy no matter when that is.

So yes, throw them a bone, plan a trip back for a long weekend, and a trip out there for them to see you, be understanding and gentle, and don’t forget to THANK THEM for all their financial and emotional help. After all, they most likely don’t have to give you anything at all anymore, and the fact that they do says wonderful things about them as people and parents - and also indicates that you’re a darn nice kid, as well. (My parents couldn’t WAIT for my brother to leave!)

11

Baby Dumpling is growing up and it hurts to see her grow into her own life. They miss you terribly. I can tell because they assume you will eventually live in New Jersey (find a job here). Go easy on 'em. Stick to your plan, but understand that this is an enormous adjustment for a parent. They’re being “laid off.”

12

Yeah, the last summer at home might be stressful. Which might not be all bad, as it might force both parties to acknowledge the changed dynamic between them. OTOH, it could be a pleasant opportunity for them to redefine their relationship. Won’t know if you don’t try.

My initial response to the OP was that nc wants her “independence” to make decisions, but she wants her parents to be happy about continuing to pony up a good share of the tab. Especially when her choices impose greater and greater costs on the parents (and we don’t know if they are filthy rich or just getting by.) Helping a kid through college is expensive, and puts a significant dent on most people’s finances. Out of state tuition and cross-contry travel can raise the cost significantly, as does extending a 4 year program to 5 years or more.

Not knowing more about your parents’s situation and your studies, they may be reacting to not knowing when they are going to be done supporting you. In my present situation, I am happy to make sacrifices to help my kids make progress towards an education that will enable them to be independent at some relatively certain date. But I wouldn’t be thrilled about indefinitely continuing to cut checks for an ever-changing exercise in “finding themselves.”

And lay off that self indulgent “minimize my loserdom” guilt-trip crap. You wanna minimize your loserdom? Get a friggin job or otherwise figure out a plan to stop sucking off your parents as quickly as possible. When someone else is writing the checks, don’t be surprised if they think they should have some say in how the money is spent.

13

I suspect that your parents would be happier about the arrangement if you weren’t asking them to help pay for your lodging over the summer. From their perspective, you could live at home rent-free, work, and save money, or you could pay for housing in Santa Fe, work, and spend the money you earn on housing, groceries, etc. Is there any way you could get by in Santa Fe without their financial support?

14

She did say that part of her plan of staying where she is involved getting a job, so at least she wants to get one.

As for the situation I would agree with WhyNot. I think it would be best not to spend a summer of discontent with your parents just because they don’t want to see you leave yet. Amongst the group of people that I grew up around there were many parents who seemed to consider kids leaving home as the worst thing that could ever happen. I knew people who turned down excelent scholarships at good universities so they could live with their parents and good to community college.

Of course it wouldn’t hurt your position if you could at least limit the amount you rely on your parents assistence during the summer. Then again if they are like my parents it wouldn’t make a difference, it wasn’t until I got an actual ‘career’ job that my father stopped slipping 20s into my pocket whenever I visited my parents.

15

Nope - for the year that I was out of school I wasn’t under their policy, but I believe it’s if I’m in full-time education then I’m covered. That might change when I turn 21, I don’t know, but if so the change is based solely on age, therefore, it doesn’t matter.

I could, though it would be a stretch. And all that I’m asking is that they help, not fully cover, the initial lump costs. I’ve offered to pay them back if they do so, a suggestion that they’ve brushed aside. They don’t expect me to pay rent or for my own groceries at home, chip in for the bills, or even pay for gas when I borrow their cars (I do the last thing anyway). So to me, I really don’t see how it’s a financial issue - the final cost to them is probably about the same, regardless.

That’s kind of what I’m afraid of. On the one hand I can completely sympathize, and I freely admit I put them through more than enough angst from day one (serious digestive problems? Check). But on the other hand…I’m not a little kid anymore, and I’d think that seeing me “eager to take on the world” or whatever is a testament to their good parenting.

Beyond going home to visit for the summer, any ideas for how to soften the blow? I really do love and appreciate them, and really don’t want this to be a big issue that sours our relationship any.

16

Plan some time to see them sometime, and stick to that. Also, call them as often as you can (once a week?). Tell them when you see an article you think they’d be interested in. It demonstrates that you are thinking of them on a personal level; not just as a source of money. Tell them about your successes often, and try to keep news of fuck-ups to a minimum (unless you really need their assistance in digging yourself out).

Refer to lessons you’ve learned from them and let them know that that piece of wisdom came in handy. They will feel successful.

Give it some time. They’ll get used to it. We all have to get used to these major changes in our lives.

17

The cost to them may be the same, but the cost to you–living at home rent-free and saving the money you earn vs. paying for rent, groceries, etc. in Santa Fe–may be an issue for them. From their perspective, it may make better financial sense for you to live at home for the summer, so that you can use the money you earn over the summer to help pay for books, discretionary expenses, grad school, whatever.

18

My suggestion for making your plans more palatable to your parents–get your ducks in a row. Figure out the details of what you want to do, and get it organized.

If you call your parents and say “I want to do research on campus with Professor So and So” this summer, and provide them with appropriate details on lodging, food, and friends who will be in the area, they may not be thrilled, but they will (probably) respect your plans and be willing to pay a portion of your expenses.

If you call your parents and say “I want to stay here this summer. I’ll get a job of some sort, and pay as much of my expenses as I can,” You aren’t doing a whole lot to convey “I am a capable adult, not quite self-sustaining, help me take off my training wheels.”

So, get your ducks in a row, and try your darnedest to get a job or volunteer position that will look good on a resume and be a type of experience that would be difficult or impossible to obtain living with your parents.

19

My dad still does. I’m 27 and own a house. He actually snuck around behind our backs and paid for my boyfriend’s car repair bill. Hey, it makes him happy.

I dunno. I mean, it really depends on how you relate to your parents. I’d lean towards “spend one last summer with them” - I mean, this is sort of your chance to establish an adult relationship with your parents. Then again, you probably really won’t until after you’re out of college and making your way in the world. I’d give them one summer and use the opportunity to save some money.

20

Have you asked them what the problem is? Why not call them up and say, “Look, I’ve noticed that you don’t seem all that excited about me staying here this summer. Why’s that? I was figuring that, financially, it’d break even, since even though I’d need some help with rent, I wouldn’t need a ticket home and all. Is there something I’m overlooking?”

It could be there is something you are overlooking. Maybe they know from experience that having you home for the summers is cheaper (even with the cost of travel, etc.) than having you away. Maybe they were hoping to have you home for some specific reason (other than the pleasure of your company, of course :wink: ) – to housesit while they went on vacation, or to help them with some home project they’ve planned for the summer.

Or maybe they’d just prefer being consulted about your plans, rather than just being told what you’ve already decided. The fact is, so long as they are supporting you, they do have some right to a voice in your living arrangments.