Parents: Did You Raise / Are You Raising A Tomboy?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Subject: 9-year old daughter
Siblings: A 7-year old sister
Residence: Live w/Mother who works full-time
Parents: Divorced 3 years. Attempting to raise daughters to be well-rounded in sports, reading, etc.
Friends: A good mix of boys and girls (probably 75% female / 25% male)

My 9 year-old daughter has pretty much become a full blown tomboy. I’m concerned and guilty whereas my ex-wife thinks it’s just a phase that will pass and that it’s nothing to be concerned over.

It’s been a gradual process, approximately over the past year…
Starting with comments like:[ul][li]“I wish I had a penis like yours so I wouldn’t have to sit down and pee”[/ul]Which led to:[ul][] “I’m not wearing a dress”[/ul]At Christmas:[ul][]No Barbies this year – I want Dragonball Z action figures[/ul]By mid summer, every time we took out our gloves, I’d hear:[ul][]“Softball is for girls, let’s play catch with a baseball”[/ul]There was no room for compromise at the hair cutter:[ul][]“I want my (beautiful, long, blonde) hair cut short so I don’t have to comb out the knots” [/ul]World War III almost ensued at Target last week:[ul][]“I don’t want a light blue polo shirt, I want a shirt from the boys department”[/ul]Now I’m cringing every time I hear this one:[ul][]“I wish I was a boy”[/ul]I’m concerned and have subtly let her know as much. Every time a tomboy issue arises, I’ll question her as to why she feels that way and do my best to point out the niceties that come with being female. I never tease her or make her feel silly for being a tomboy - but I am strict and stick to my guns with certain things; like when we do go clothes shopping. My 7-year old, who like younger siblings, looks up to her older sister is now starting to mimic certain tomboy behaviors (like getting her beautiful red curls chopped off the last time my ex took them to Super Cuts).[/li]
I’m guilty because I might have pushed athletics on them a little too much. That, plus the fact their Mom & I are divorced and I only see them every other weekend.

I’ve read a couple (parenting & divorced Dad) message boards and the opinions, advice & experiences appear to be all over the place. I know with each individual child no two identical ‘rules of thumb’ apply, but was wondering how any of you parents out there have (or are currently dealing with) a similar situation. If so:

  1. Were you alarmed?
  2. At what did your daughter start her tomboy stage?
  3. Was it a phase, or did it continue into puberty?
  4. Did your daughter’s tomboyish-ness concern you?
  5. Did you set any gender specific rules about clothing / hairstyles?
  6. If you have more than one daughter, were they both/all tomboys?
  7. To you put any credence in the, “Children who come from broken homes have a many more developmental issues”?

I’m not saying my beautiful, feminine-looking, tomboy daughter is developmentally disabled, but the notion has crossed my mind on more than one occasion.

Any experiences, advice or answers you’d wish to share would be very much appreciated

Thanks

2

I’m not a parent, but I was, and still am, to a degree, a tomboy. Probably started because I idolized my older brother, but by the time I was six years old, it was a battle to get me into a dress. I hated dolls, loved Nintendo, and even had a few G I Joes. Can’t tell you too much about sports, I’m a computer nerd. I’ve always worn my hair short.

So I’m 23 now. My clothes are strictly geared for comfort. I mostly wear jeans and pants though I may now wear a skirt every once in a while. Most often I wear an old broken-in pair of boots. I don’t do makeup. Don’t know how, don’t wanna know how. I don’t mind having it put on me though. If there’s a female version of a transvestite, I’m this close to that level. I will wear dresses for formal occasions, but that’s about it. I’m straight, but I kinda look like a butch lesbian.
-Lil

3

You say you’re “concerned”. About what? That she might be gay? If that’s a problem to you, then it’s your problem.

Many of the comments you quote suggest normality - she wants to cut her hair off, isn’t that better than demanding it be styled and dyed? Plenty of women (and girls) hate wearing dresses. They wear shirts and play tough sports, too. CHILL OUT.

4

I’m also not a parent, but I do work with young children, and I was the archetypal tomboy when I was growing up.
I had permeantly bruised and scraped knees and elbows, I preferred playing with action figures and hated dolls, never wore a skirt if I could help it, fought with boys and often voiced the opinion that boys had more fun.

These days I am much more ladylike -wearing fancy clothes on occasion,wearing make-up and playing with my hair- but I’ve only grown into it gradually- I’m currently 25 and am still not as ladylike as some- though I think the older I get, the more I’ll conform to societal norms.

My advice to you is to not sweat it at all. I think growing up a tomboy is a perfectly natual and healthy thing for a young girl. It shows a willingness to not conform to accepted ideas of behaviour- not in a negative way, just in a healthy, not-being-a-pushover kind of way. And lets face it- boys probably do have more fun as children. If it’s a choice between making daisy chains and plaiting someone’s hair, and racing about in a field, climbing up trees and swimming in lakes- I know which way I’d choose every time- ladylike or not. Plus, no kid especially likes to get dressed up and look “pretty” just for adults benefit, and much more is expected from girls than boys in that dpeartment.

If I may offer some advice- I think you really shouldn’t worry about this too much, and trying to change your child’s behaviour in too interventionalist a way may damage her fast emerging self-esteem. Especially DON’t regret introducing her to the wonders of sports- a love of sports is one of the greatest gifts you can give a young person IMO.

You mention several times how beautiful your daughters are, how their hair looks etc., but really, isn’t it more important that they should be comfortable with how they look, and that their clothes, and hairstyles etc. should be practical for the type of activities they want to do? I remember sulking furiously and feeling ridiculous when I was sometimes forced to wear clothes or hairstyles that everybody assured me were very “pretty”, but which I personally didn’t like.

Of course, you have the right to assert parental control over these areas of their behaviour and appearance- but what really is the issue here? Are you afraid that this isn’t a phase? That they will grow up to be un-ladylike? What does that mean, and why is it so important?
Also, the next time your daughter says she wants to be a boy, why not question her a bit more about why that is? Perhaps she feels a little constricted by people’s expecations of how she should look and behave.

Overall, I think it’s very likely that this is just a phase. But what exactly is the problem if it isn’t?
(Hope all these disjointed ramblings were of some help)

5

She’ll probably grow out of it in high school, when she sees all the girls with long hair and pretty dresses getting dates with the hot boys. :stuck_out_tongue:

6

I was a tomboy when I was younger and I don’t think I ever grew out of it. Back then I too wished I was a boy. I grew up in the country, and never liked girly things, I hated all forms of homemaking, cooking, sewing, craft, etc. I had no interest in having a wedding (every girls dream day), I detest shopping, live in jeans and don’t wear make up. Strangely, it didn’t inhibit my dating experience, in fact I was beating the guys off with a stick.

I wouldn’t worry about your daughter, she will either grow out of it or not. Does it really matter?

Btw I have had 2 kids, a teenage son and an adult daughter and they are both oh so typical of their gender.

7

Another former (or not so former) tomboy checking in. I was a child during the '60’s and '70’s. I’m the youngest of five children, with three older sisters and a brother. I NEVER played with dolls. Ever. My hair was cut short when I was three and I kept it that way. When I was 7 for Christmas I asked for a pair of cowboy boots, a flashlight and a jackknife, and that’s what I received. I also spent hours by myself reading. My parents taught me never to go along with the crowd or bow to peer pressure. These are not bad lessons for a young girl to learn. I didn’t turn into a lesbian because I’d rather ride ponies and play fort instead of primp at the mirror. It doesn’t work that way.

Be happy your daughter knows her own mind. She won’t be pressured by classmates into doing things you’d rather her not be doing.

StG

8

So just what is wrong with liking baseball, wearing pants, or wanting a more efficient urinary system?

Clothes(pants, dresses, shirts), games(baseball, softball) and toys have nothing to do with anotomical sex, they are artificial objects of a particular society.

Whether or not one wants to wear a skirt or a dress has no biological relation to ones humans gonads.

As far as the urinary systems of the 2 sexes, the male urinary system is admittedly superior, more control, more capacity, less infections, doesnt require squatting, etc.

I would look beyond nearly everything you mentioned before I would be concerned. Is there any other reasons than artificial things like clothes or realizing the anatomical advantages of the male urinary system why she says she would rather have been a boy? If not, then I dont see any problem. In the year 2004, there is no stigma anymore to females wearing pants, or playing baseball, etc.

If there are other reasons why she said that, then there isnt anything you can do about it anyways.

9

I was a tomboy growing up. I have a daughter who is 7 and all girl, I have another daughter who is almost 4 that is on her way to being a tomboy. She loves to wear jeans like her brother. She loves to play with her brothers toys, and is not afraid of bugs, like her sister.

  1. Were you alarmed?

Not at all, as long as she is happy

  1. At what did your daughter start her tomboy stage?

Around 2.

  1. Was it a phase, or did it continue into puberty?

I’ll get back to you in a few years on that one. ( For me, it did. I have never been a “girly” girl. )

  1. Did your daughter’s tomboyish-ness concern you?

No, she is going to be who she is.

  1. Did you set any gender specific rules about clothing / hairstyles?

No, I won’t set any rules about hair and clothing- my dad would not let me get my hair cut when I was growing up. I hated it. Long hair does not make a girl, nor does short hair make a boy.

  1. If you have more than one daughter, were they both/all tomboys?

See first paragraph.

  1. To you put any credence in the, “Children who come from broken homes have a many more developmental issues”?
    HELL NO. My home was not broken, but it sure was falling apart around me growing up. Besides, being a tomboy isn’t really a developemental issue, IMHO.
10

I was a big tomboy growing up, too. I remember trying to pee standing up (it didn’t work well). Although I never wished for a penis specifically, I do remember asking my mom when I would turn into a boy (I was 5 or 6 at the time). I just thought it was something people could do. It just seemed like boys had more fun. I had a lot of boys as playmates and it seemed like they got away with more than girls did. Relatives who didn’t know me bought me Barbies–I really liked He-Man (in fact, I dressed up as He-Man for Halloween in kindegarten).

I didn’t like purple, pink, or light blue, and frankly, those are the most common colors for girl’s clothes. So I don’t blame your daughter for wanting to look in the boy’s department. I hated dresses and usually had short hair. I wanted to join the Boy Scouts instead of the Girl Scouts because it seems like they had more fun and did more cool stuff. I even had a Boy Scout manual I would look at to see all of the “cool” stuff they did. I went to a hunter’s safety course, practiced shooting with rifles and a bow, and went deer and squirrel hunting.

And I kinda grew out of it. I eventually did play with all my Barbies. My stepmom continued to make me wear dresses for special occasions, but I wore jeans, t-shirts, and shorts the rest of the time. In middle and high school, I started wearing makeup every day to school. I had crushes on boys. I have a boyfriend now. I’m in a male-dominated profession (engineering) and in high school and college, I always had more male than female friends (though my closest friends have always been female).

I would say, chill. Your daughter’s only 9. Until puberty, kids of either gender are rather androgenous–they look similar and can have similiar interests. There’s some talk about “boys like trucks and girls like dolls,” but part of me thinks that nuturing has a lot to do with it. I don’t think it’s harmful. Would you rather have her trying to dress like Britney Spears and be off kissing boys? I know I’m going to sound self-rightous, but from your post, it seems like you think prettiness is your daughters’ best feature. What’s wrong with your daughter thinking that things that revolve around being pretty (fussy girl’s clothes, having to detangle her hair when it gets knotted up, etc) aren’t very fun? As far as the athletics–you’re helping instill healthy exercise habits in your daughter. Just because a girl likes sports doesn’t mean she’ll grow up to be a big lesbian (not that that’s bad).

I’ll answer your questions from my perspective:

  1. Were you alarmed?

Well, I thought I was okay.

  1. At what did your daughter start her tomboy stage?

My first memories are from 4-5, and I was a tomboy then.

  1. Was it a phase, or did it continue into puberty?

Certain parts dropped off later than others. I stopped asking if I would turn into a boy early on. I’m still not a big fan of dresses. My hair hasn’t gotten longer than shoulder length in since-I-don’t-know-when. I’m sure some people might think my big interest in science and technology are “tomboyish” things, as well as my mostly male circle of friends (I’m 23, by the way).

  1. Did your daughter’s tomboyish-ness concern you?

I think it may have annoyed my stepmother a bit, especially in the early stages (she entered my life when I was 6 or so), but I don’t recall my parents every seeming really concerned.

  1. Did you set any gender specific rules about clothing / hairstyles?

Hairstyles–no. My stepmom used to set rules like I couldn’t wear jeans more than twice a week (she says she wasn’t trying to get me into skirts, but into other pants like corduroys, which I hated because they “swished” when I walked or ran). Frankly, I don’t think it’s a good idea, because here I am, 18 years later, and still thinking they were stupid rules.

  1. If you have more than one daughter, were they both/all tomboys?

I have a brother who is 11 years younger than me, but no sisters.

  1. To you put any credence in the, “Children who come from broken homes have a many more developmental issues”?

Although my parents divorced when I was 4 or 5, I don’t consider myself from a “broken home.” I can say that one thing that may have affected my behavior is that I lived with my dad from age 5 on. Part of me suspects he really didn’t know what to do and may have treated me a bit like the son he never had (or rather, that he had several years later). Yeah, he enrolled me in soccer and probably wasn’t the best at picking out fashionable outfits (which may be why I had more boy friends than girl friends). But he was always great at encouraging my studies. He never gave me any hint that my love of science was wrong or something that girls didn’t do. All in all, I’d say I’m a pretty normal woman. My junior year, my roommates were all women who had been raised by their fathers or had been “daddy’s little girl.” We all wore makeup and liked boys. But we also seemed to have less of the issues that a lot of college women seem to have. Granted, that was a sample size of 4, but I wouldn’t be worried.

11

You don’t have anything to be guilty about, since there’s nothing wrong with your daughter, but why on earth do you think it’s your “fault” for getting your kids involved in sports? There are plenty of female athletes who are very feminine.

The only thing in the OP I see to be concerned about is your daugther frequently saying that she wishes she were a boy. I’d be concerned if a child is so unhappy with who she is biologically. But to be honest, based solely on your OP, it seems to me that what she means is “I wish I was a boy so people would lay off and let me be who I am.”

If she wants to wear a shirt from the boy’s department, what’s wrong with that? If she wants her hair short, who cares as long as it’s neat and clean? Why is your daughter conforming with your personal idea of feminine beauty such an issue for you? She’s a kid, not a fashion model, or, heaven help us, a sex object.

For the love of God, stop teasing her about her personality. You’re giving her the message that her father doesn’t like who she is. She’s doesn’t sound screwed up to me . . . yet. How do you think your constant disapproval will affect her? And her not wanting to be a little girly-girl makes you think she might be developmentally disabled? Sheesh! If anyone has issues, here, it isn’t your daughter!

It may be that she’ll grow out of it or it may be that she just doesn’t grow up to be a very feminine woman. How terrible would that be, honestly? I was definitely a tomboy, and still consider myself a tomboy. I wear jeans and plaid shirts whenever I can get away with it. My main hobby is a predominantly male hobby (RPGs and boardgaming) and my career is in a heavily male-dominated field (physics.) On the other hand, I also wear makeup and more feminine clothes for work and when I want to dress up, and I clean up pretty good, thankyouverymuch. I like to knit and cook and have other “girly” hobbies. I also have a loving husband and some darn good friends, both male and female. So has my life been ruined because I kept my hair short and didn’t wear dresses as a child? I hardly think so.

The question I’d be asking her is why she wishes so desperately she was a boy. Is it because she thinks boys are better at sports? Well, girls can be great athletes, too. Is it because boys can dress in a way that she finds more appealing? Well, hell, let her dress how she wants. Does she prefer “male” activities, such as sports and fighty cartoons and games? Well, there’s no rule that says girls can’t enjoy those, too. Reassure her that she can still be a girl and do all this “boy” stuff, and that’s okay with you, and maybe that will make her more comfortable with who she is. She’s a girl who’s boyish, so she’s going to have a much easier time in our society than a boy who’s girlish, for sure. But if she has deeper issues than that—if she says that she hates her body, or she’s really angry about her gender—then maybe you should seek the help of a professional.

12

I was divorced when my daughter was 10 and my son was 6 and nobody had a tomboy phase. My girl was always the girliest of girls and I’m a huge sissy-lala. I worried a little one day when my son came stomping out of his room yelling “Where are my panties! I don’t have any panties!” I quickly stepped in to correct him---- he had no shorts, no briefs, no tightie-whities, to which he responded “Well? Where ARE my panties?” They were in the dryer and he stomped off to collect them.

13

My experience from raising two daughters - one extremely athletic and one who is a frilly, feminine type - is that the “Tomboy” classification is no longer relevent to kids these days. My daughters’ peers don’t appear to see being athletic, liking out door activities, math, and other typically male pursuits as being at all at odds with shopping for hours, lots of make-up, and other stereotypical feminine pursuits. They have, by and large, transcended the narrow gender definitions that produced classifications such as tomboy and sissy. Thank God.

Heck, Brittney Spears was a point guard on her junior high basketball team. And she, for better or worse, defines all that is beautiful and feminine these days.

From your post I get the impression that you are worried because your daughter isn’t fitting into the box you want to put her into. Lots of kids that age want to try new things and experiment with new looks. Getting a hair cut should not be a crisis, nor anything a parent should care very much about. So she wants to wear boy’s clothes, cut her hair short, or play “boy’s” sports? More power to her. The best thing you can do is

  1. Let her know you love her unconditionally

  2. Stop beating yourself up because you’re divorced.

It’s easy to let the fantasy, “if only I wasn’t divorced everyone would be happy and do the right thing all the time” take a life of its own. There are plenty of screwed up kids from two parent families and great, healthy kids from one parent families.

Maybe the best thing you could do is imagine the worst thing that could happen - Would having your daughter discover that she’s a man trapped in a woman’s body and then spend thousands on gender re-assignment surgeries really be all that bad?

14

There is nothing wrong with your daughter. I can’t even believe you think that way. What you are doing is enforcing the societal beliefs that have been impressed on you from an early age on your little daughter, who is expressing her unique personality in a very forthright way.

In other words, you have a hangup and you need to deal with that.

What the heck is wrong with not wearing dresses? What is wrong with short hair? Why are you trying to force your daughter to conform?

When your daughter gets older, are you going to tell her that math is not something little girls are good at? Are you going to teach her that her place is in the home? Are you going to tell her college is wasted on her, that she should get married and pop out kids? Are you going to make her believe she can’t be just as good as little boys?

See, even though these questions might seem strange to you, they are all part and parcel of the “my girl must wear a dress” idea. You are forcing your daughter to accept the role that society has placed on her. You are forcing her into a stereotypical “nice girl, pretty girl” role that will end up making her into a pleaser, someone so concerned with how others view her that she won’t worry about making herself happy.

I wear makeup when I want. I wear dresses when I want. I tell people exactly what I want, and I do whatever I want. I always have. And being able to control my own image makes me my own person.

I would suggest you let your little girl be her own person also.

15

Wow, JohnBckWLD, I need to apologize!

I seriously misread the part of the OP where you said, “I never tease her or make her feel silly for being a tomboy.” I mistakenly thought you said that you tease her about how being a tomboy is silly, or something like that. I’m very, very sorry. Much of the tone of my post was a very bad reaction to that! I appreciate now that you are not putting pressure on her in an inappropriate way.

However, my basic point remains: There is nothing wrong with being a tomboy. It is most definitely not a sign that your daughter is developmentally disabled. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. And I am still troubled by your concerns over how your daughter looks and how it fits into your idea of femininity. If you have a healthy, active, social kid, who cares about the length of her hair and whether she wears clothes from the girl’s department or the boy’s department?

Trying to coax or force your daughter into looking and acting more feminine sounds like a real minefield; you’re unlikely to get what you want, and far more likely to undermine your relationship with her and cause a lot of problems—and IMHO, you’re most definitely trying to fix something that ain’t broke.

Apologies again for my lack of reading comprehension.

16

I grew up a tomboy. I wore pants, I climbed trees, had my own swiss army knife, played in the dirt and despised frilly clothes. Years pass. I still like to wear pants, but I clean up nice when I want to. I’m like alot of girls. I went through puberty, I could bear children if I wanted, I go out with boys. Just because I don’t wear fake nails doesn’t make me any less female.

In fact, the only lasting effect I can think of my serious tomboy childhood, is that I never got over the rift created with my grandmother. See, she wanted a girly girl, and she pushed this fact on me for years. That I was worthless if I didn’t wear a dress. That my playing sports made me less of a person in her eyes. To say we weren’t close would be kind. A better term would be we hated each other, and I saw her maybe three times in the year before she died, even though she lived 5 minutes from my house.

Have you considered that your daughter wants to be a boy because you push the message to her that boys get to do the fun things that you don’t want her to do? You have expressed that you think some thing is wrong with her because she likes to wear pants and play sports. If you were my dad, I’d want to be a guy too!

Lighten up. Teach her that you love her, unconditionally, no matter what she does, and she’ll be just fine.

17

Let’s roam around in the territory of your worst fears.

You afraid your daughter is, and/or is going to eventually decide that she is, transsexual?

I think it’s highly unlikely – as you see, that’s not the outcome for many people who report similar beginnings – but if it is the case / does happen, lots of people believe it’s something that folks are born with, not something you can change or head off by influencing her to develop in a different direction. And if it is the case, she’s going to need your love and support, which may be difficult to communicate to her if you’ve spent a long time trying to discourage each and every vestige of “I was supposed to be a boy”.

Alternatively, as others have suggested: you afraid your daughter is or is going to grow up to be a lesbian? Get real. You are aware that there are lesbians in pink frilly dresses as well as Birkenstocks, and likewise in both cases for gals who lust for males?

18

It’s tough when you have a mental picture of what your child will be like and they turn out the opposite. You think you know what you’re getting, but you end up with a complete surprise. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, it’s just an adjustment you have to make within yourself.

I don’t blame you for being disappointed that your daughter doesn’t want to act like a little girl, but you have to accept her for who she is. If she is gay, you’ll have to love her the same as if she wasn’t. Her actions may puzzle you, or even embarass you at times, but that is your problem to deal with, not hers.

Good luck to you.

19

As a child I always wanted to dress more like my brothers but for a very practical reason, to me anyway. Their clothes had pockets and my dresses and skirts didn’t for one thing. For another, it was darned hard to climb trees in a dress. Not impossible but not easy either.
However, my father, the totalitarian, decided I should wear only appropriate feminine clothes and I was forbidden to go out in either shorts or pants, ever. When my parents split up I promptly declared my closet a dress-free zone and so it’s been ever since. I think I wore my last skirt at high school graduation, mostly for my mother. That was twenty-three years ago.

Now I wear whatever I want. Sometimes I have been called a lesbian by simple-minded pinheads who think that’s some kind of insult but really, who cares? I try to dress up if the occasion calls for it but otherwise, it’s whatever is comfortable.

Live and let live.