I have a 6-month old boy, my first child, and I think my wife and I are doing a pretty good job raising him. I like bragging about him at work.
But I won’t be talking about him at my office any more since the cold stares and accusations started flying when I mentioned that he sleeps with us at night.
“You have to get him on a schedule.”
“He’ll never be able to sleep by himself.”
“You’re letting him rule your life.”
After some careful consideration, I decided all these comments are wrong for us and we are sticking with the status quo at home. I figure it will last until he decides he’s a big boy and wants to sleep in his own room. Or until I can no longer take all the farting.
Sister-in-law, who did the same thing with her kids, said we should never tell anyone about it because other parents will think we’re freaks.
If everybody is happy, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. It didn’t work well for us. Both my kids slept much more peacefully in their own cribs. (Actually, my son slept fine either way, but he was so wiggly it was impossible for anyone else to sleep with him, even in a Queen sized bed.)
You can find someone to tell you you are a freak no matter what you do. We are big fans of the “respond to their slightest sound until six months and then cut them off cold turkey” method which was recommended by our pediatrician. Worked like a charm. But a lot of people think it is unspeakably cruel.
Our decision was based on the fact that most babies don’t physically need to be fed at night after about six months. However, if they are sleeping in your bed right next to the source, as it were, it’s pretty much impossible to deny them access. If nighttime feedings for the foreseeable future aren’t a problem for you, then it’s not a problem.
We “co-slept” (what a cool word!) with each of ours for a few months to make night time feedings easier. I was all for getting them in their own crib ASAP, cause in each case it was like sleeping with Jackie Chan - SLAP, SLAP, KICK, PUNCH, JAB. I felt like a stunt double in a “B” movie.
My son co-slept with us for about eighteen months. My daughter never really did. She really didn’t settle down in our bed.
Some of the issues we did have with co-sleeping:
we never got used to the lack of privacy. Cosleeping interfered with physical intimacy - and more than just sex, it was hard to cuddle. There are ways around this, you just have to watch it.
my son kicked a lot. So while everyone got more sleep while he was in bed (because he wasn’t screaming), it wasn’t comfortable sleep. Especially as he got older.
it was very painful to get him to sleep in his own bed when it became time to either get him in his own bed or have his sister realize she was being left out of our nightly party. It would have been much easier to start younger (but we had some issues surronding adoption and that he co-slept with his foster mom). Have a plan for moving him out of your bed.
As he rolled around a lot, it was important for someone to be in bed with him so he didn’t fall out and hit his head on the nightstand (which he did the night I gave birth, because I couldn’t sleep in the bed with both of them during the third trimester.
It was hard to fit. We bought a king, and that worked while it was one. But one kid, hubby and a pregnant lady, or two kids, hubby and me (on the occations my daughter did join us) didn’t work and either me or the hubby (usually me) would spend the night on the couch or in the kids beds. If you are planning on more than one, and don’t have a plan for moving him out (other than “he will decide”) think this one through.
As far as “other parents think you are freaks” I’ve seen it both ways. People agast that our son slept with us. People agast at out daughter in her crib. People are busybodies when it comes to infants.
BabyTeaElle has been sleeping with us since she was born, though we’re moving her to a co-sleeper (like a sidecar which attaches to the side of the bed) to get her prepared for next month’s arrival of NewBabyTeaElle.
People don’t know how to deal with homebirthing, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, extended breastfeeding, attachment parenting or anything that deviates from what seems to be the “norm” with babies these days: sleeping in different rooms from day one home from the hospital, being carried around in car seats, fed from bottles (especially after 6 months) and so on. “Different” ideas (actually older than any of us) must have something wrong about them.
The answers:
“You have to get him on a schedule.” – “He’ll have enough of that later in life. Right now he’s an infant and his needs are more important than schedules.”
“He’ll never be able to sleep on his own.” – “Of course he will, when he’s older and won’t have needs which are best met when he’s near to us.”
“You’re letting him rule your life.” – “We’re capable of setting the boundaries and priorities which work for us as a family. Keeping the baby close allows us more control, not less.”
The point is this: you’re doing what feels right for your family, and that’s all that’s important. If other people can’t deal with that, so be it. They don’t have to live your life or raise your child;
My son slept in our bed until he was two years old. He had his own room and his own bed, that he used at naptime. One night he was tossing and turning and didn’t seem too comfortable, I asked him what was wrong and he just told me he wanted to sleep in his big boy bed now.
That was a long time ago, he’s very secure and outgoing now.
My daughter slept with us too, but she wasn’t happy there as long as my son was.
We co-slept with the Twiddlette for 4 months, and I went to bed at the same time has her. Then at 4 months we had her “cry it out” to learn to go to sleep on her own in one of those bedside co-sleeper things. But after her first waking of each night she spent the rest of the night in bed with me. Then at about 7 months we moved her to her crib in her own room but I still responded to every nighttime cry by giving her the boob until she fell asleep and then putting her back in her crib. Finally around 9 months we did night sleep training by responding very briefly to her night wakings with no boob offered.
Then at 12 months we moved and now at 13 months she’s back in the bed with me by 2 AM every night though she goes to sleep on her own at the beginning of the night easily. We plan to nightime sleep train her again soon because she’s a bed hog.
As you can see for us sleeping arrangements have been dynamic; covering a spectrum of what works best at the moment, and not a hard-and-fast rule.
I can’t imagine keeping a newborn in a seperate room, and having to get up out of bed all night long. If the baby is on the boob co-sleeping just makes so much sense.
If you know that co-sleeping is right for you and your family, don’t let anyone make you feel uncomfortable or defensive, because it is natural and healthy. And normal most of the world over.
It amazes me just how close minded people are about being with their children.
They can’t understand how you could sleep with your kids all the time and frankly, I can’t understand just why they need so much privacy ( unless sex is involved, and really, how much sex do you have after your kids arrive?) all the time. They think I’m clingy, I think they are pushing their kids away from them. Feh.
(We don’t have the kids sleep with us all the time and it is a rarity that both of them are in iwth us for the duration of the night. It is usually midnight boarding parties that happen in the wee hours. Which has been scaled down from all night sleeping in our bed, next to me, for the better part of three years. I do not mind at all. Mr. Ujest has issues. I personally don’t mind it because I know it will not last forever and it is a wonderful feeling waking up some lazy morning and the giggling starts. The dragon breath contests begin and the little nonsensical chit chat that happens. I love it.)
Of the many benefits of sharing the family bed that we’ve found, is that when we go on vacation, whether a hotel or camping, sleeping isn’t a problem because it is usually Me and the kids in one bed and Mr. Ujest sprawled on the other bed. It isn’t a new bed time routine and so the new-place spaztickness isn’t as bad. beleive me, we’ve traveled with other friends and can hear them yelling at their kids through the hotel wall.
And since I’m usually whipped to begin with, I get to get extra sleep without any guilt involved
If you really want to get these people into a lather, tell them you shower with your kids. Holy cow, some people just get all bent about that. Jesus, people, it is your body, be proud of it.
Do what is right for you and don’t worry about the others.
Not parent, godparent here. My godson is 12 1/2, his younger brother 8. Mommy slept with both children until quite recently (older boy is starting to be aware of bodies so he is out of the “family bed” but younger son still sleeps with Mommy probably 6 of 7.) Daddy tends to end up on the couch. Both boys were nursed until almost 6 (years, NOT months), which was the “reason” for the co-sleeping.
I found the arrangements wierd once the kids were old enough to talk about it. May I second the good advice of others… HAVE A PLAN to get them in an solo sleeping mode at some point agreeable to the adults in the family. Some kids are just not going to want to change.
Our daughter had her own bed and her own room from the first night home. It would never have occurred to me to have her sleep with us - anyway, in our double bed, there was barely room for two. I did try to nap with her once when she was a toddler, but she was a restless sleeper and a kicker, so that never happened again.
My 7 year old son sleeps with me. It doesn’t bother either of us. And if he needs me I am close. I suppose when he’s ready he will move to his own room.
My husband and I aren’t sleep compatible at all… so its a good thing we are an oposite sleep schedules. He works night sleeps days and I vice versa.
Screw what other people think… Americans are too fond of intruding into other people’s bedrooms as it is. ( The majority of American Dopers are exempt from this statemnent)
I don’t like having the baby in the bed; I can’t relax. And I like being able to snuggle with my husband instead of her, for once in the day. She was with us for a little while, though. She does end up in there sometimes, but has just moved to a crib in her sister’s room for most of the time. We really like having some time to ourselves again.
Her older sister didn’t like being with us and was happiest once she was in a crib. I was pretty surprised, but that’s what she wanted.
These days, they both come in with us upon waking up in the morning, one to nurse with Mom and one to snuggle with Dad.
We had a king sized bed and would put the baby between us in this cradle type basket that came with the swing chair. It worked out perfectly because there was no worry of rolling onto them and they were right there for feedings. I never felt sleep deprived because I never had to get out of bed to feed them. But once they were weaned, they were moved to their cribs. I preferred to sleep child-free because I slept better. With them in the bed, I never really got a good night’s sleep because part of me was always listening for the slightest sound from them. But hey, whatever works best for your family is what you should do–every child is different and there are no hard and fast rules that fit everyone.
We had the munchkin in a cradle in our room for the first six weeks. Then we had her in her room in her crib.
3 months ago we had to move her into a toddler bed since she crawled out of the crib and we didn’t need a concussion…
She slips into our room in the middle of the night most nights now. It wasn’t so bad when she curled up with the dog on the floor but now she worms in between us! Our king size bed is no longer big enough.
With the boy coming in a few weeks things are going to be crowded for a bit. Maybe when we transition him from the cradle into his crib we can convince her to return to her room.
Do what works for you. That’s been my motto and we’ve not killed the kid yet!
Someone once told me it was “parenting’s dirty little secret” because so many people did it but were afraid to tell anyone because of outsiders’ rude tendency to make it their business to advise otherwise.
I only co-slept with my son a few times when he was a baby. It made my husband edgy. Loved it for nursing, though–it was great for my milk supply (always an issue as a working mom) to have him nursing frequently all night.
He did stay in our room (in a bassinette) for the first five months.
Now that he’s four, I sleep with him sometimes but it’s like Doctor Jackson said–I feel assaulted. Still, I love being so close to him all night. It’s especially appealing now that he doesn’t cuddle as much, and we sometimes have some pretty cranky days.
Anyway, I think co-sleeping is sweet, and loving, and a perfectly valid choice for families. Some families may decide it’s not for them and that’s fine. However, if they start telling other families not to do it, I think they’re not being very thoughtful about the issue. Their reasons for trying to force their views on other families are not valid ones, but rather peculiar cultural artifacts of the American style of parenting.
I co-sleep with both of the babies. It gets a little crowded in the bed, but it’s always nice and snuggly.
They’re almost 5 and 3 respectively. I suppose they’ll continue sleeping with me until we move out, because I don’t have a bedroom for them. I’ll probably move a kid-sized bed into my bedroom for at least one of them to use this summer, though.
Let’s see, there was “Mr. Floparound and Whack.”
He was followed by “Mr. Kicks All the Time.”
And the trio was completed by “Mr. Squirm, Whack, and Kick.”
For afternoon naps, they were fine, but they weren’t much for closeness at night.
When I first became a parent, I was mother to two little girls, aged 4 and 2. We slept all in one bed once while their father was “out in the field”. (Army terminology for the guys being in a dirt filled field eating rations and not showering).
I woke up with the older girl’s leg around my throat and I couldn’t breathe.
I’ve had similar results with my two biological children. When I breastfed I could doze off for a few minutes, but I was always achingly aware of the prescence of a little body and I couldn’t relax.
I am a VERY light sleeper, and I refuse to sleep with my children unless it’s necessary.
I don’t think people who do sleep with their children are strange, but I do hear stories about people who have a hard time getting their children to respect their bedroom as a private place, and who can rarely get through a night without an extra visitor or two.
I personally always felt it was good to let the kids sleep in their room and let mommy and daddy sleep in theirs…
All three of ours did on occasion, not all the time. It was more or less a matter of convenience. This was 16, 18 and 20 tears ago, and they seem to have turned out ok. One was a sleeper, would fall right to sleep after feeding, and sleep thru anything. One night my wife woke me up in a panic saying she couldn’t find the baby! He had fallen out of the bed and rolled under it with out waking. Number two son never slept more than twenty minuets for the first year and squirmed constantly. And then she arrived, the kicker! How can something so small hick so hard!
