I travel with a co-worker every once in a while for work; relatively short (2 hours or less) flights. He has a son, I think he’s a little less than ten years old (the son, not the co-worker – smartass ).
His son is afraid of him flying for some reason. So whenever he does travel for work, he lies to his son and says he’s just at a meeting somewhere else semi-locally.
One time the son called while we were at the terminal (the son calls Dad up to a few times a day) and while they were talking, an announcement came over the P.A. about some flight departing blah-blah blah. I remember thinking that if son heard that Dad was at an airport when he said he wasn’t, Dad would be caught in a lie and erode his trustworthiness.
Despite the thread title, I’m trying to withhold judgement because I’m not a parent don’t know what kind of compromises are necessary to raise a child.
What are your opinions on honesty vs. protection? Is this situation even about that, or might there be something else at work?
I don’t think being over protective is what’s going on here at all. What is the parent protecting his son from? Is the son such a victim of his own fretting over the parent’s safety that he can’t function if he knows the truth? Unless the kid is mentally imbalanced or completely rigid in his thinking due to some problem like autism this seems totally out of line.
Sounds like the kid rules the roost and the parent is sneaking around behind his back rather than dare upset him by letting him know what is truly involved in the parent’s work.
I agree. I’m not a parent either, but I can’t see how blatantly lying to him will help him in the long run.
I can’t help thinking how the kid will react when he does discover that Dad’s been taking plane trips all along. Never mind the shock, talk about betrayal…:shudder:
What’s up with a ten-year-old boy calling his father so often? Is he a single dad? Even if so, this sounds abnormal to me. Granted, I’m not a parent, but isn’t this awfully clingy for a boy this age?
If he’s 10 now, he was about 5 when 9/11 happened. So his entire life has been in a world of ‘terror alerts’, warnings about flying and the media basically telling us that if you fly you WILL DIE! (Ok, so I embellished that bit)
It really isn’t that hard to believe that he would be terrified of his dad flying. I can totally see why he would try to shield his kid from knowing he flies. I don’t think lying is the way to go, but I understand why he does.
This is what I was thinking too. When 9/11 happened, I was working with 3-6 year olds. Some of the older kids in the afternoon class understood well enough to be scared. Now they’ve known most of their short lives that bad things can happen to people when they fly.
On the other hand, the dad is doing him no favors by lying to him. When he finds out that dad has been lying, and he will, it’ll just renforce the idea that flying is dangerous.
I guess I’m in the minority, and agree it is an abnormal fear, but if a little white lie can keep a child from worry, I say what’s the harm? As for him finding out later and eroding trustworthiness, short of dada dying in a plane crash, how would he ever find out?
I think the father should fess up. It’s not doing the kid any good to lie to him. Maybe if the kid sees that his father had flown all these times and got home safe, then his irrational fear (irrational in its extremity) would be alleviated.
I have a feeling the father isn’t as obsessed about this question as us Dopers are.
He probably hasn’t even thought about all these “deep” issues, such as the damage it will do to his 10 yr old son, etc. He is probably thinking about a much more mundane problem–how to maintain peace and quiet in the house.
A child who wakes up crying from nightmares can ruin the day for the entire family. If lying about where Daddy works can keep the peace, (and the keep household stress level low), then it is worth doing, without all the philosophizing.
In the instance I cited, at the time it was happening, I was convinced that the airport PA blaring over the loudspeakers made it into the phone. That’s what led to this post.
I also wonder (I don’t know) if this is the exception to the rule, or their modus operandi for dealing with junior’s fears or objections. If this is an isolated incident, then m-n-y-okay… I guess. But if it is their habit to shield junior from anything he might find objectionable, I fear for this kid’s ability to cope with adversity once he leaves the nest. Or hell, once he reaches junior high school, for that matter.
[ignorant, non-parent comment] Over the past years, I’ve been feeling like the U.S. has become a bit neurotically over-protective regarding our children. Like seeing 25 seconds of Janet Jackson’s semi-bare breast is going to corrupt a child’s soul. And even though I guess I support helmets for biking, I never had one on when I was a kid and I did some pretty stupid shit on a bike when I was a kid and somehow survived. I guess I feel like treating our kids like fragile porcelain figurines is not in the best interest of the kids we care about. [/ignorant, non-parent comment]
I dunno, if said child came home from “drugs are bad- m’kay” day at school upset b/c the staff had drilled into them the evils of all drugs ala Reefer Madness, and said father toked the occasional doobie, if the kid asked, should the father admit it? Should he explain the pros and cons of all drugs and discuss how the US antidrug laws are archiac? Or just say no and leave it at that? Again, I say a lie that doesn’t really hurt anything, like “do I look fat in this”, is ok for adults and kids.
Personally, I think they should talk about all the “pro’s and cons.” Because unless you censor all the content they are likely to encounter, they are going to meet people (or listen to bands) who have smoked a little pot and still somehow manage to carry on a successful and fruitful life.
In the end, the kid thinks his parents “don’t get it” and discount their guidance altogether. Wheras if the parents would admit that “a little bit of pot won’t kill you but repeated use can generate a dependency and has led — in some cases — to much more dangerous substances. But it’s illegal anyway, so weigh the dangers against the fleeting “high” you get out of it. Is it worth it to you?”
Which is pretty similar to a South Park (which you alluded to) episode in which Stan’s parents go to elaborate lengths to compel Stan not to try drugs when all they needed to do is level with him.
Again: I admit I don’t have kids and any bullshit theory I type here hasn’t been put to any kind of test and could be a really bad idea
I think that the father telling his child that he will be flying would help to alievate the fears in the long run. Not now, mind you but in the long run.* It will also teach the child a valuable lesson, mainly that you should not believe everything you see on television.
Also needless to say, If you take the child to the airport and let them watch planes land it should reinforce the fact that flying != Death.
*with that said, I would not go back and tell the kid retroactivly. it will only make the father a liar in the child’s eyes.
Kid sounds vaguely neurotic. If I had a kid like this I can see where this worrying drama would get pretty tiresome and disruptive. In that scenario I might tell him a white lie to prevent the “daddy’s gonna die” drama and get on with life.
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