That’s true, but one of them is moderately wealthy (he left Microsoft with $5 million, although he is back working there again) and the other two, while doing well, still need money (one just a bought a house with a large mortgage while his wife’s med school loans is now on a 30 year amortization and she is not in private practice) and the other is desperately trying to save towards a condo in NYC.
So my wife and I have had a number of discussions (with each other, only) about how to divide our inheritance which could come, once our house is sold to over $1 million. With no sense of certainty, we have decided to split it evenly and hope the wealthy one will do right by them. He is very generous and has already lent the one with house some money–not sure how much–towards the house. And told him not to worry about paying it back. We decided to let them sort it out. The wealthy one has four kids, the other two one each, incidentally.
I say to my mom I do drugs and she says no you do not.
I say to my mom I have depression and she says no you do not.
I say to my mom I have suicidal thoughts and she says no you do not.
I say to my mom I may have cancer and she says no you do not.
She believed I don’t know how to drink except one or two drinks socially. She believed I only smoked just to try out. She didn’t know me.
I once said to her you never truly looked at me with a smile and she wanted counter me, as usual, but paused then did not have anything to say… oh she says often “I used to love you so much before your brother was born”: I tell her I don’t remember because I was too young.
You don’t see your own expression when you talk to people. Kids see your expression change depending on who you are talking to. You may convince yourself you’re fair and you don’t discriminate/have favorite but the ugly duckling sees it in your face clear as day light every day. It’s in your body language. It’s in how you talk. It’s in your rational but you tell yourself why would I do that I love all my children equally. you never doubt yourself and convince yourself I love them equally.
This is a part of the reason why I don’t have children; I fear myself doing the same thing to my own kids. To kids parents are the universe but the universe is treating you like there is something wrong with you or you are a subclass being. This dominated my early life so much I didn’t want anything or to go anywhere near the possibility. I still have difficulty being around kids, ie, siblings because I get this headache. I like children but sibling dynamics give me headache.
Not a parent, but my own parents had me, waited about ten years, and then had my brothers.
My baby brother is the golden child. He’s the baby, and the boy mom&dad wanted from the start (I’m a girl, and middle brother is adopted and therefore ‘didn’t count’)
I will say that the age difference makes a huge impact on sibling rivalry. How can I be a rival with someone who is just now getting to legal drinking age? How can I be a rival with someone whose diapers I changed?
Now, that said, there is a lot of resentment from me and middle brother towards the parents. Me, because I got to be the little-kid keeper for no pay through my entire late childhood and teen-hood, and from him because he basically was ignored after baby brother popped out immediately after his arrival. (It didn’t help that baby brother was easy and perfect, while middle brother was difficult and not my parents’ preferred personality type.)
If there is an inheritance, it won’t make a difference to the pain and suffering caused by the favoritism. I’m not saying things were awful and parents were abusive, but we did (and still do) notice, and it did (and still does) hurt.
Some things money can’t fix.
If I ever have kids, I’m making it totally clear that I’m planning to spend all my money before I kick it, and if I don’t manage that, it’s going to a charity, and not to them. That way there’s no expectations and no hurt feelings about what is getting rewarded, and who deserved what.
I guess I’m saying it’s not always so straightforward as “kid who did everything right and now doesn’t need money” and “kid who fucked up and needs cash.” Especially when you factor having kids into it- having kids is a great way to get yourself into a gnarly financial situation. But it’s also in many ways a contribution to the family. Should the comfortable retiree with a good pension and grown children get exactly the same as the struggling single father who turned his life around for his kid but still is just scraping by?
I appreciate the tips! I know it’s a joint account for the checking. And they’re in Michigan; I haven’t checked in a while, but I believe whoever else is on the deed inherits the house.
To be honest, though, I know my mom’s intention is for it all to go to my sister. Because of that, I won’t fight it when it happens. Like I said before, my mind understands that that is what she wants to do with her property. It’s my heart that wishes it were otherwise.
The sentimental items- furniture and pictures, that’s already been given. That probably hurts more than anything else.
Interesting topic. I am one of three (two girls and a boy) but I do not think that my parents have a true favorite. That being said, they also take my older sister’s side whenever we argue and that is starting to annoy me. As for inheritance, I hope they leave it all to my sisters. I don’t need the money and frankly don’t want to deal with my tiresome older sister. Would make life easier but I’m hoping I don’t have to worry about this for a long time to come!
There was a recent article in Psychology Today that talked about favorites.
I was definitely not my mother’s favorite child. I’m still not. It caused all kinds of bad feelings growing up (and still does) because I can accept being the ‘not favored’ - I just can’t accept the ‘mom never calls/remembers my birthday/ gets mad at me too easily/treats me like a frenemy’ thing.
I tell my son I won’t have more children because he’s my favorite. And he is. I think having a favorite child is natural and people who deny it are lying.
