Sibling Disparity - Did your parents treat you and your siblings equally?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have a strange family tree. 1 brother, 3 sisters, and all of them are half siblings. Only two of my sisters are actually full siblings to each other. My oldest sister, I never met until last year.

I spent most of my childhood living with my mother, and my brother, who is five years younger than me. No doubt due in large part to the fact that my mother is Asian, she showed him definite favoritism, and didn’t care. She played both ends of the spectrum: for me, she was unbelievably strict and intolerant; to my brother, she was as liberal as a kid could hope for, and let him get away with murder. There was never money for my field trips, but always cash for a new set of sneakers for my kid bro. I couldn’t go to the movies, but he could go to Six Flags, etc. But, I learned to deal with it and moved out as soon as I was able to.

So, I moved in with my father, his wife, and my sisters (who are 10 and 11 years younger than me). They were all very good to me, my father was properly permissive yet firm, and it was a good environment. However, I got very little of anything. I was expected to go to work after school, pay for my own lunches and buy my own clothes. If I wanted a car, I was to buy my own, and pay for my own insurance. I wasn’t allowed to drive any of the family vehicles. If I intended to go to college, I’d have to figure out how to finance it. If my dad was in a generous mood, he’d buy me a pack of cigarettes when I ran out, but only because he could see that I was actually working my ass off and doing the best I could. All in all though, I was happy and content, but moved out a year later at 17.

My sisters, on the other hand, got absolutely everything they could have wanted. Each got their own laptop, both were put on the folks’ insurance, paid for by my dad. On their 18th birthdays, they each got brand new cars - one got a Sportage, one got a PT Cruiser. They each got new computers, new wardrobes each year, etc. They both went off to college with my father’s assistance, and neither of them were expected to work - in fact, they were discouraged FROM working.

I’m old enough to not really be bothered by it anymore, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder how my parents can treat me so differently from my siblings. Well, I can sort of understand it; my mother’s problem was largely cultural, and in my father’s case, I think a large part of it was that we barely knew each other when I moved in - he had spent a lot of years overseas for the Air Force. But still, I can’t imagine buying one of my kids a brand new car and sending the other one a check for a hundred bucks. I’d rather buy both kids used cars, or something along those lines. Don’t get me wrong, I’m anything but resentful, especially in my father’s case. I love my dad to death, and am just glad to have such a good friend for a father, and I’ve never held any of this against any of my siblings (though I will confess to reminding my brother that he was Mom’s favorite :wink: )

I can’t be the only one who has experienced such disparity, though. Did your parents treat you the same as your siblings, or did they play favorites? Has that affected your relationship with either your parents or siblings? How do you treat your own children? I think I tend to overcompensate for my experiences by making dead certain that I’m not favoring one over another, though I don’t go so far as to add up price tags to make sure I spent the exact same amount on each.

2

My mother always tried very hard to treat us equally, but it was pretty obvious who her favourite was - my little brother. My father always hung out with me more, and we always shared similar interests in music and “cool stuff”. However, I had more feminine bonding moments with my mother, and my brother had is masculine moments with dad. My mom could tell you a bunch of my little brother’s hobbies and interests, but I strongly doubt she could name too many of mine. She probably knows more about me now that I live 3000 miles away than she did when I lived with her.

My dad, on the other hand, sends me cool emails all the time - always short, always succinct, and usually with a link or picture of something I would find awesome. He taught me all the constellations of the stars, and sparked my interest in space, and construction, and books, and music, and everything.

So there is a balance, and I’m not bitter or angry. I’m happy with what I got.

3

I’m the middle of five kids, three brothers and a sister. My sister was the apple of my father’s eye, which is IMO natural. She was also a favorite in mom’s eyes, because she’s the only girl and every mother wants a little girl. No biggie. It was weird for me because I had two older brothers I looked up to and thought had everything in the world and a younger sister and brother (who were twins) who I thought got everything they wanted. I was too young to do stuff my older brothers got to do, but old enough to be able to look after my younger sibs, no as a kid I thought I never got anything. Truth is, my parents helped all of us get a car (we had to get a job to help to pay for it and the insurance), made sure each of us had what we needed (which is way different from wants as mature swampbear understands now), and did their best to look after all of us.

So, yeah, as a kid, I thought everybody else was favored over me. As I grew older, I realized my parents did there damndest to treat us all equally.

My younger brother died a little over four years ago. Truth be told, my younger brother, sister and I were probably a little more spoiled than our older brothers because of the age differences. There’s a little over 19 months difference between my age and my sister and younger brother’s ages. What’s even weirder is, that in my family, it’s my sister and I who are looked to as the decision makers. Our older brothers will go along with whatever we say, as will mom. Weird huh?

4

Not that I can recall. Actually my mom was annoyingly fair as far as gifts were concerned. To save herself from problems, most gifts were bought with the intention that we would share them. This was a problem for me because my favorite pasttime as a kid was reading. My sisters played with Barbies. I hate Barbies.

Any differences in the way she treated us were usually well deserved. I never got in trouble - but I never deserved to be. I was my mother’s favorite, something which was obvious even though my mother never treated me differently. I was also smart. I saw the stupid mistakes my sisters made and learned from them. My sisters got in trouble at school and at home so while it may have seemed like my mom was playing favorites, it was really just because my sisters were little heathens.

5

I have one brother and one sister. My parents spoilt my sister a little bit, not surprisingly, since she was the only daughter. But in general we were pretty much all treated the same.

6

It was just me and my annoying, neurotic little sister. I was not the favorite.

My sister made less waves about things, and hence was the path of least resistance for my mom, a single parent with emotional problems struggling to make ends meet.

People invariably are attracted to what’s easy, instead of what’s right.

7

My parents treated us three kids equally as far as I’m aware. We were all very different individuals with different strengths and weaknesses, but I don’t recall ever feeling that one sibling was getting an easier time of it than others.

As an adult and talking to others, I have come to the realisation that this sort of upbringing appears to be less common than I expected.

8

In rereading this, I see I failed to mention my father died two years ago after a ten year ordeal with Alzheimer’s. During all that time and afterwards, it has been my sister and me who are the decision makers. Still, considering we have older brothers (5 and 7 years older than me, 7 and 9 years older than my sister) that’s kinda strange. The younger ones are the leaders. As I said earlier, weird, huh?

9

I was just getting ready to rant about this.

My youngest sister is nine. I UNDERSTAND that that means she’ll be treated differently in some ways, but it’s beyond obvious (and nobody tries to hide) that she’s the favorite.

We each take a month on trash duty (the kids do, at least.) and it’s my month right now. Last month was my sister’s. During her month, she refused to take out the trash (didn’t outright refuse, just didn’t do it. and my parents didn’t make her.) so it ended up in neat trashbags on the porch. no trash on the floor. No overflow. After about a week, my mom took it all out. The next week, she told me to do it. it happens EVERY TIME. When it’s my turn, people don’t throw their shit INTO the trash can. it’s all over the floor. My dad will literally drop his trash on the floor and say, “oops” and walk away. There’s nothing IN the can but a few things I put in there and pizza boxes balanced on top. And nobody would DREAM of doing my chores for me.

Then just today, my parents shelled out a bunch of money for her to go to the mall. My parents HAND her money all the damn time, on top of her allowance. I’m “too old” for allowance and have to buy my own food and clothing on the money I get from work and pay rent in my own home. I’m still a minor, by the way. And I wasn’t even allowed to go to the mall with my friends when I was nine, much less have money given to me for that purpose.

Also, you should HEAR them gush. On and on and on about my sister and how she does this and how she learned that and how wonderful she is. How she got an 85 on her spelling test, how she somehow taught herself to plunk out “mary had a little lamb on the piano” how she’s going to go far in life… never mind that I work way harder in school, I taught her to play piano (and taught myself to read music) etc. When I came home and said, “I got the lead in the play!” people here whom I’d known about a week showered me with praise. My parents? “that’s great. your sister won her basketball game!”

My other sister and I have learned to exploit it, though. If there’s something we all want (to rent movies, to go for ice cream, whatever) we get her to ask. My dad RARELY says no to her, and if he does, he won’t throw a hissy fit if she asks a second time. He’ll just say yes.

When I mentioned all this to my mom, she said it’s because the little one is so charismatic and undeniably prettier than the other two of us, plus she’s the baby. Basically, the same reasons everyone else likes her best.

Oh, and she has her own computer, TV (with cable), DVD player, iPod, and digital camera. The iPod and camera were christmas and birthday gifts, the rest just becuase she wanted them. I have an iPod (the 'rents paid for half for my birthday.) but not all that other stuff. Nobody can tell me that’s her being treated differently because she’s only nine. If anything, I should get the computer becuase I’m fourteen and my schoolwork is harder and involves writing papers.

I know this is long. I got carried away. Brat. It’s so unfair. Oh, and I know I’m being a greedy brat myself. I don’t really need all this stuff- it just drives me crazy that she gets it. And it REALLY drives me crazy that everyone thinks she’s so much better than me. And I know my middle sister is sometimes jealous of the attention I get as well. She thinks she’s the least favorite- I think we’re about equal

10

Dotty all I can say is, welcome to middle child syndrome. I felt the same way. It’s no comfort to you now, but in time, it won’t matter. No, this will not make you feel any better. I know that. Just know that, a few years from now, you’ll know what I mean. Meanwhile, feel free to slap me around for not understanding. :smiley:

11

I think my parents try hard to be fair, but they also have that whole Asian family ethic about the eldest having to be responsible for their younger siblings. Thankfully I only have one younger brother. When we were younger, I would get punished whenever he did because it was my fucking responsibility to set a good example and make sure he didn’t get into trouble. And even NOW, I’m expected to make sacrifices for my little brother - who is not so little any more at the age of 20.

I’m still resentful at times, but I think overall I’m grateful that my parents were so much stricter with me than they were/are with my brother. Not that’s grown into a spoiled brat or anything, but he’s definitely more complacent and less independent than I am. In the long run, that’s not going to help him much, I think.

12

Actually it does help. (I’m the eldest, btw, not the middle.) thank you :slight_smile: “It won’t matter in ten years” should be my mantra.

And if that fails, I can always just say, “in ten years, I’ll be self-sufficient and she’ll still be living with my parents. In twenty years, if she hasn’t found a husband who will spoil her rotten and if my parents have quit, she’s going to have a much harder time than I am.”

13

I’m the oldest of three, all girls. As best I can remember my parents treated us all equally, except for one thing. There were two bedrooms for us three, one larger and on smaller. My two younger sisters shared the bigger room, and I got the smaller on to myself, as the senior sibling. I think we all preferred it that way, given our interests and temperaments.

14

I’m probably the first person to come out and say he feels that he is the favored sibling. Wow, I feel so horrible saying that. Let me just say a part of me doesn’t even want to post this, even though I feel it to be true.
My parents will generally give me pocket money, even more than I ask at times, when I’m going out and ask for some. They’re fine with me eating out with friends, etc. My little sister, on the other hand, is alot less free with money than I am with my parents. This also goes along with staying out late, etc. While my dad will get mad at my sister for certain things, he wouldn’t care if I did them.

Now, conversely, my sister has gotten into some trouble. She’s a sophomore in High School, has been arrested once, been cought drinking, smoking, pulls very low to mediocre grades, been suspended multiple times, skipped school, and started dressing/acting “gothy”. Let’s just say I’ve fared slightly better with authority and leave it at that and not get into anything that can be construed as bragging.
Since this disparity started forming was when I noticed the disparity between how my parents acted towards us. Now don’t get me wrong, they are still INCREDIBLY liberal towards both myself and my sister, letting us stay out almost as long as we want, and do almost all we want, within reason. Hell, I think they shouldn’t let my sister do half the things she does, I think that gets her into MORE trouble. Still though, within the constraints of extremely liberal parenting, I feel I get the better side.
I guess it’s a bit of a rant, oh well.

15

I’m the youngest of three (well, three who count). There’s an almost 6 year age difference between me and my brother and my sister’s two years older than he is, so just a big enough gap to sort of cut me off a bit.

My parents were incomparably more strict on my siblings than they were on me especially when it came to academic matters. My siblings both graduated their private exclusive prestigious high school as valedictorians while I flunked out of it in 7th grade and had to start public school (my father pulled strings so I wouldn’t have to repeat). My siblings are still bitter about it for some reason: “Damn, if we’d brought home Cs and Ds and Fs they would have chained us to the wall and beat us with dogwood branches then let the buzzards gnaw our guts!”

Part of it is probably because I was always very affectionate as a child and my mother is a bit needy and starved for affection. Also they were a bit tired since in addition to two small kids when I was born they were taking care of a dusty harem of old women ranging from 60 something to just south of 100 and having financial problems by the time I started school and were just worn out. Also, a preschool IQ test when I was about 5 ranked my IQ at low normal (around 80) and my father didn’t think I was capable of achieving anything more than what I did (he decided to groom me for the ministry as “You don’t need brains to do well in that”). Whatever the reason, I was always the slacker but at the same time my mother made NO secret of the fact that I was her “special one” (not just in the special olympics way but as in favorite), though my father made less secret of the fact that my brother was the heir and I was the spare. I suppose my sister had the consolation of being the only girl at least.

In any case, there’s still resentment that comes out when we argue. I definitely got fewer spankings or real punishment of any kind than they did and got away with a lot more by way of grades and the like. It wasn’t until I was in junior high and my English teacher really started complimenting my writing that it occurred to me I wasn’t really slow normal. (She recommended I be put in an “alternative English class”, meaning accelerated, and my father, thinking she meant “short bus class” flipped, calling her at her unlisted number (he got it from one of his contacts in the Dept of Education) to tell her loudly “He may not be Einstein but he’s not exactly retarded I don’t think. He can learn if you go slow enough.” When informed that she meant the opposite I think he really sort of looked at me for the first time. Unfortunately he died a few weeks later.

So the point is, yeah, there was disparity.

16

You are not being greedy; you just want what’s fair. That’s perfectly normal.

It sucks that they spoil her and make you work for everything, but in the long run, you will be the better person because of this. You’ve had to work for everything you’ve gotten, and understand the value of working hard for things you want, for EARNING something. Your little sister will have a hard time in the real world.

Mark my words. :wink:

17

I sort of think I’m the favored child too, among me and my little sister. I’ve always been kinda quiet and respectful, seen by others as pretty smart, and demonstrated myself to be fairly responsible. Thus, I think I get/got more breaks from my parents and grandparents (oh, I’m also the oldest, and only, male among the four grandchildren from my mother’s side of the family).

My little sister, my mom once told me, had a sort of inferiority complex comparing herself to me, and she was seemed a little more flighty. Nowadays, though, is a different story. She’s never really been a BAD student, or person, but she’s really achieved a lot over the past few years, arguably more than her entire life up 'til then. I think this means she’s grown into her own person, which is terrific.

18

My sister is six years older than me. She was the celebration of my parents new marriage, (mom’s second marriage). I was the result of my 44 year old mom thinking that just because she was going through “the change”, that she was already infertile. And there weren’t many days that I wasn’t made aware of the fact by my mom. Dad wasn’t too bad. To make things worse, there were already two babies in the family (mom’s grandkids), when I was born.

19

TellMeI’mNotCrazy, I’m really impressed with how mature you are about that situation. I’m pretty sure I would still be carrying a grudge about that if it had happened to me.

In my family, I’m the elder of two, one girl and one boy. Looking back, things were pretty fair because I’m my dad’s favorite child and my brother is my mom’s favorite, so things evened out in the wash. At the time, both my brother and I were quick to see when we were getting the short end of whatever stick was going around, and nigh obtuse when it came to realizing when we were making out like bandits.

The one thing that stands out, though, is that I had that eldest child’s job of breaking in the parents. I could not wait to get a car when I turned 16. This was a daily fight with mom and dad. Finally, I was allowed to get a car if I took both Driver Ed at school, AND some private Road Safety course offered by our insurance company, which met at 8 AM on SATURDAYS for an entire semester. Even after all that, for about the first year I was only allowed to drive the car around the block, at about 10 mph, and not if it was raining, snowing, foggy, or damp, or if had been raining, snowing, foggy or damp in the past 48 hours, or if the forecast called for rain, snow, fog or damp in the coming 48 hours.

After a few years of this, when I managed not to kill myself or others with my car, my parents got used to the idea of their offspring operating a moving vehicle, and so when my little brother turned 16, they threw him the car keys and were all “okay kid, have at it!” I seriously almost dropped dead on the spot out of shock and the unfairness of it all.

There are other examples of the Oldest Child’s Burden, but the car is the one that still comes up on hoildays after we’ve all had a few beers.

20

Heh, I can’t say it doesn’t sometimes still frustrate me. When my dad told me he had bought my sister a PT Cruiser ( a car he and I had discussed many times and both liked) I slipped somewhat and said “Where’s my car and college education?” I stunned him into silence and he finally stammered “Uh, I really don’t know what to say,” and that was that. I felt bad for putting him on the spot like that. But, in looking on it, I can see how it happened, even if I can’t quite understand why they let it happen.

Oh, I have to bring up the most recent, and possibly the most egregious example. Due to various employment and financial problems, I moved back in with my mother for a while. My brother had also moved back in with her. She has a large raised ranch house, and my brother took the lower half and my mother and I shared the upper half. She charged me for one month what she charged my brother for three months. It was a little reversed - when I told my brother how much I was paying in rent (unaware of how much he was paying) his jaw dropped. Right away, I knew he was paying less. He was reluctant to tell me, but eventually did. Poor kid :wink: