Sibling Disparity - Did your parents treat you and your siblings equally?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

That’s just wrong and it sucks. I’m sorry that your Mom would say anything so cruel, Dorothy.

As for my parents, they absolutely did not treat us all the same emotionally. Yet both of them had this absolute insistence that they treated us the same when it came to spending money. I suppose this is actually right and only fair, but my mother does it to this day, and will mention it apprpos of nothing. Christmas morning and, if I’m admiring something she gave my sister, my mother will rush in with, “I spent the same on all of you, you know! I can show you my list!” One year, my father even bought my sisters and I the exact same Christmas card as one another, just so “none of you will say that the other one got a fancier one.”

The thing is, I don’t recall ever really making a big deal about one person getting more goods than another.

22

Oddly enough, that’s how my father and step-mother were with my sisters. The first Christmas I spent with them, I was a little appalled to see that they each got the same exact thing as the other, with a possible color variation. They had to take care that they opened the same presents at the same time so that they’d both be surprised. It was unreal. It got a little better as they got older, but when one got a new dress, you can bet the other one did as well. Somehow, though, I just didn’t factor into the equation. This might have been partly my stepmother’s doing; she was by no means an evil stepmother, but I think part of her resented being saddled with a teenager.

The only time I really pay any attention to gift equality with my kids is at Christmas, mainly because our routine of opening gifts involved taking turns, and if they didn’t all have the same number of gits, one would be twiddling their thumbs while the others opened more presents, and I didn’t think they’d like that too much. But when it comes to birthdays, while I do try to give presents of the same scope (if one kid got a bike, I wouldn’t give the other one a diary), I never really thought much about it.

Which reminds me, I was a little upset this past Christmas with my ex and his wife. My kids live with him, and so when I talked to them on Christmas Day and asked them what they got, my son had gotten a new digital camera, a Sony PS2, and some games, and the Star Wars Trilogy on DVD plus assorted other gifts. My middle daughter’s “biggest” present was a scrapbook. How do you give one kid a digital camera and a game station, and a scrapbook to another? Just don’t get it.

23

I ought to clarify this, since in another thread I posted in on the same night, I mentioned a certain bitterness and angriness with my parents. :wink: However, it is unrelated to the balance in how my brother and I were treated; that I’m perfectly happy with, and hold no resentment about it. They did a great job raising us as polite, quiet, responsible people. They were never abusive and we came from a happy home. The one area I am bitter over has nothing to do with these things, and more to do with things that happened as I became an adult.

Hey, this is the Dope. It’s best I bring this stuff forward before someone, somewhere, screams “LIAR!” when I most need the credibility one day. :wink:

24

Short answer… “no”.

I’m the last of eight children(4 boys & 4 girls) … or an only child… depending on who’s point of view you take.

Mom was married three times. First marriage = three children, second marriage = four children and final marriage (to my dad) = one child (me).
Dad was married twice. First marriage = no children and final marriage (to my mom) = one child (me).

Mom treated me the same as she did my siblings at the same age. My next oldest sibling is 12 years older and only three of my siblings lived at home when I was born.
Dad however… remember, I’m his ONLY child and a son to boot… treated me well and fairly. He lived his athletic life vicariously through me.

Matter of fact, I saw my dad take the bullet for my mom’s wrath several time on behalf of me and/or my half-siblings.

25

Growing up, my brother and I were treated fairly equally. I got in trouble more often, but I also took more risks.

Since my parents got divorced and my dad remarried, I would have to say that my stepsisters are treated much better than I am.

BUT … I moved away from my hometown as quickly as I could and never looked back. The steps have been content to settle there and never leave, and they have a very close (some would say dysfunctional but that’s another thread) relationship with their mom, so naturally they spend more time with my dad and his wife than I would EVER want to.

26

Honestly, once you have had children, you realise very quickly that you cannot treat them equally because no two kids (or more) are equal anyway. They may be alike, insofar as they have grown in your belly and sprung from your loins, so to speak, but after that wondrous event, any similarity ends. Abruptly. :smiley:

Some kids are screamers, some are more placid and malleable. Some resist your comforting at all costs, and others just melt like butter when you give them a cuddle and a coo.

Some little darlings encounter problems with learning at school, while others just breeze through the curriculum causing few disruptions. There are some children who follow their parents in their sporting/academic/social interests, and there are some who rebel at every opportunity.

And because individual children are so different, is it any wonder that their relationship with their parent/s differs dramatically too?

27

My mother has never treated her children equally. She always has to have a hierarchy of who is in and who is out, but the youngest (we’re all in our 40’s) is always on top, and by a large margin. Mom has also carried this on to the next generations, having one favorite among her grandchildren, and a favorite is emerging from her great-grandchildren as well. Oddly enough, Golden Child is not the parent of Golden Grandchild, nor is Golden Grandchild the parent of Golden Great-Grandchild.

Mom likes to make a big show of equal presents at Christmas but the favored ones get extra stuff in between occasions. The rest of us just aren’t supposed to know about it.

I have been bitter about this in the past, especially when my children were slighted in favor of their cousin. I’m still bitter about all this occasionally in the present but I am trying to let it go. My wedding (that I didn’t get to have) rankles the most, since she paid, at least partially, for the others’ weddings. Mom always has a reason (read: justification) for how or why this all happens but it is pure BS.

I try hard not to resent the Golden Child but it is not easy sometimes. I know it isn’t her fault she is the Golden Child. The one I really feel sorry for is the sibling on the bottom of the hierarchy as she really hasn’t done anything wrong, she’s just on the shit list, mostly because my Mom hates Sis’s husband.

I don’t have favorites among my children, though I don’t think I worked too hard to avoid the possibility. It simply wasn’t an option for me.

28

My parents were as fair as possible. There are always some disparity, but they did the best they could. I have no complaints.

29

That’s all true and I dont’ think you have to treat sibs the “same”. You have to give each what they need. I am talking here of non-material things, like time and attention and approval and limits.

I am the last of 5. I was called a spoiled baby brat by my sisters, but I know I was not. To this day, my mother has never said I’m pretty or even that she loves me (in that she was fair–she has never told any of us that she loves us). I was not allowed to do alot of stuff because I was too little. That is true at age 5, perhaps, but 9? “Eleanor can’t do that-she’s too little” was the default position.

It did me no favors. Sad thing is, I wanted to learn how to do X–I was prevented. Stuff like mowing the lawn and other skills that show competence and independence were not for me, somehow. And yet, at age 10, my mother came to me, she was recently separated and going to college-and there were only 3 of us at home, and told me that from now on, I would be cooking for the family and cleaning the house. She meant this. From that day forward, she did not cook, at all. I was not allowed to shop (obivously) and I did not think to plan meals–what I mean is that we didn’t plan meals together. She bought ingredients and I did the best I could with them. It never occurred to me to tell her that we needed X for Tuesday’s dinner etc.

It was hell and I am still resentful of it. I loathe housework. Note that my brother did not have to chip in and help. My one sister that was at home was told to buy her own clothes and get herself to work after school etc. Brother? Nothing-no job, no chores. The other two sisters were at prep school on the east coast, so they experienced none of this.

Looking back, I think my mother was terrified of being put in the street and so did not want to hire any household help for when she was working. She was also a terribel negotiator and my Dad got away with pittance for alimony and child support. She refused to move from our executive level home (my dad is a doctor) so I was this kid in a huge house with literally not enough food and my brother’s handmedown shoes. It was insane.

There are whole albums of the oldest, as well as the next two (twins) and then of course, my brother-the only boy. And then there is me-sort of the ragtag tail of the family. Not a position I would have chosen.
Sorry, back to topic. So, yes, we WERE treated very differently as kids and those resentments can flare up at the oddest times. My dad told me (when I had my daughter, who is my first child) that “no matter what, you always love that first one more than any other.” Gee, thanks, Dad–save that for Liz (the oldest), kay?
:rolleyes:
And I am here to say that he is wrong. I love each of my 3 in a different way, but I cannot say that I love #1 son more than #2 etc. It doesn’t make sense to do it that way. Can you enjoy and appreciate Bach, Neil Young and the Beatles individually? You can do the same with kids.

This seemed to have lanced some festering stuff for me. Seriously, for the most part, I am fine with my childhood. Being last, I was in a position to watch the other’s mistakes and learn from them. I also had some role models on what not to do…

30

I’m the least favorite child. I could pick and choose amongst the posts here to put together the tragic story of my childhood. To sum it up, my 3-years-younger sister has always been (blatantly, IMNSHO) favored by all four parental units. My step-dad, who was basically “Dad” for her since we moved in with him when she was seven, seems like he’s the only person who has it right. He now treats sister and I as individuals and less like siblings/strangers who have an obligation to love one another because of some shared genes. (I should clarify: that’s how I felt as a teenager, not necessarily how I feel now.)

My dad is the issue these days. He refuses to look past what I may have done in the past. He refuses to help me with my (community) college education. He gives precious little sister full paid university tuition, any costs associated with school supplies and the like, plus $1000 per month to cover her living costs. He gives her more each month than he’s spent on my entire continued education.

Yes, I’m bitter and resentful. No, it doesn’t help to know that she shall flounder for a while when she hits the real world - she knows she will. I’m torn between jealousy and admiration (should she take him for everything he’s willing to give? yes, yes she should). Most days I just try to accept my lot in life as least favorite. Sometimes, though… It’s just a good thing this isn’t the pit.* I do make an effort not to take my bitterness out on her. Occasionally difficult, but I figure I owe her that much since I’m supposed to be a full-fledged adult and certainly don’t act like one when this subject is mentioned. :rolleyes:

*Walks off spewing profanity… I need therapy.

31

It’s not an issue of favourites. But can you honestly say that you treat your children totally equally?

I am liable to give leeway to one when I am stricter with another. I will lend money to two of them, but I wouldn’t give the others even $1.00 unless their life depended on it. I will let one off kitchen duties occasionally, but I will hound the others because they are such slackers generally that they need constant nagging to do even basic cleaning.

It’s all to do with the nature of the child. I’m sure in the future, they might post to this thread about how I treated them differently and unfairly, but hey, sucks to be them!! :smiley:

32

Our mother favoured my brother. I’ve always believed it was because he had whooping cough when he was just a couple of months old and she thought that he might die. After that, Mum was never able to stop fighting his battles for him, which included taking his side in his sibling rivalry with me. As an adult I did wonder if I had been unfair to my mother and taking a skewed point of view on the situation, but a recent conversation with my grandmother veered into this area, and she shocked me by telling me that she was angry at my mother for the obvious and unfair favouritism she showed my brother… so I guess it wasn’t all in my head.

My brother insists that our father favoured me, but I can’t see that. I think he was even handed with us both, but he and I are more alike and understand each other better so I think I had fewer misunderstandings with him than my brother did.

33

My parents are very careful about treating my older brother and I equally. Thanks to a lot of hard work earlier in life, they retired fairly well-off, and are eager to help us with whatever we need. When they helped my brother build a five-bedroom house for his family, they offered me the same courtesy (to which I said “Are you crazy? I’m in my twenties with two cats–I don’t need a damn house.”). Mom and Dad are very concerned that they not play favorites.

When we were kids, it was a little clearer. Dad and Bro have a good amount in common, as do Mom and I. It wasn’t playing favorites, it was just that we related better in those particular pairings. Hell, my father and I didn’t even like each other until I was almost thirty years old.

These days, they still don’t play favorites. They retired to South Carolina, while I remained in New Jersey and my brother set up his own practice in Maryland. Recently, they bought a second house in Maryland to be closer to my brother. I don’t see that as favoritism, because I haven’t given them grandchildren yet, and South Carolina to Maryland is also closer to me. But I’ve never worried about the favorite, because of something my mother always says to me:

“Honey, you know I love both of my children equally. But I like you more.”

34

I was, in retrospect, a difficult child, and this was not helped by prolonged bouts of illness or by having a genius of a younger brother who had my parents wrapped around his little finger and undoubtedly faked a lot (crying younger child + non-plussed older child = parent angry at older child). So I got a bad press. And I suppose I rebelled. I got punished for telling the truth and I got punished for lying, so why bother differentiating? I had a dreadful time at school - Roger Thornhill may remember St******ton House - and my parents left me there instead of moving me, whereas my brother had a great time at his school. But looking back with the benefit of age, if not experience (not being a parent myself), my parents did the best for me that they could.

Financially, they’ve treated us with total equality, but I cannot recollect my father ever telling me directly that he loved me, or was proud of me. Certainly not in the past 25 years. And I can only recall the former once from my mother, and that was nearly 3 years ago.

35

I could have written a lot of that, down to the 3000 miles away and all, except that I really didn’t have too many bonding moments with my mom (she seems to have an odd “disconnect” with other people - like we’re all just “extras” in her movie). And I really resented the extent to which my brother not only got the better treatment but took advantage of it and still does. My mom used to make him breakfast every day, but I was expected to get my own cold cereal. He got to be in band, and I didn’t; he got to go on expensive field trips and I didn’t; he got a motorcycle and I had to walk to my first job (they bought me a used moped when I went to college, but it broke down & I had no money to fix it). No point in going on.

Anyway, I came to believe that the reason for the difference in treatment is that my mother was always jealous of any attention my dad paid me. She can’t stand it when we’re having an interesting conversation about something she doesn’t understand; she always butts in; she had to get her ears pierced after I got mine done so she could get lots of nice earrings, etc.

She always told me Dad was the one who would not let me have things or do things that I wanted, when my brother got to. Once, many years later, I told him that, and he was shocked - he said he’d always be in favor of letting me have/do the things, but she was against it, and he let her have her way.

I try to forgive her for making me feel so crummy as a kid; I realize she didn’t have a great childhood, and it doesn’t do any good to hold on to the past. But I do still have hard feelings about a lot of it, deep down. When I was a kid, I swore that I would either have no kids or only one kid, so that there would be no way I would show favoritism like my mom did. She used to laugh at me when I said that. I don’t think she thinks it’s funny now.

36

My brother and I were and are treated differently, but equally. I’m the older sibling by two years, and I feel most of the differences are due to that. For example, when I was 17 and was attending CEGEP, my curfew was midnight on weekends. My parents realized that was ridiculous after about a year (a very annoying year for me, I might add) and when my brother began CEGEP, he had no curfew at all (by that time, I had no curfew either). My mother also attributes this in part to me being female, because she’s more worried for my safety at night.

On the other hand, my brother has been overly babied (IMO). My mother picked out his clothes, started his showers and packed his lunch until frighteningly late in life. She claims she would have done this for me if I had asked, and I believe her. I, however, DIDN’T ask, because I’m much more concerned about my independence from my parents than my brother is. He’s still completely clueless re: clothes, food, etc. It’s lucky for him he’s so smart and so lovable. His long-time girlfriend has fit into the role of taking care of him.

My parents, other than that, have never obviously taken favourites, and it would never even occur to me that they don’t love, and like, us equally. They’re also very concerned about money equality. Just recently my dad took my brother to Vegas, and gave him a certain amount to gamble with. My parents decided that, despite the fact that I was stuck in school, they would be depositing the same amount in my account.

Dorothy, your parents make you pay rent at 14? Seriously? Goodness.

37

Well, with a seventeen-year age gap, it would have been impossible for my sister and I to be treated equally. However, I don’t think that’s an excuse for treating me like a second-class citizen.

Really, man. I didn’t expect to be able to sit and drink with them at age eleven, but in my own house, a blood relative, I shouldn’t have had to live with the (unspoken but clear and uncontestable) edict, “Don’t talk to us; just get what you have to get from the kitchen and leave. Stay in your room, play outside, or fly to the moon; we don’t care, just do it away from us.”

The thing is, because I had been conditioned to think that adults were always right, the logical conclusion was that if they didn’t want me to talk to them or in any way associate with them, they must have a good reason for feeling that way. If I wanted to contribute to the conversation and my sister wheeled on me and brayed “IS THIS GONNA TAKE LONG?!”, that had to be what I deserved.

And I know this was the early '80s, and people didn’t think about stuff like developing social skills. And I also realize that it wasn’t their job to teach me superlative social skills, but they could not have given me a worse preparation for middle school. At that age, there’s a lot of drama, and the girls who emerge as the queen bee and her court are the ones best able to handle conflict. So, since my conditioned reaction to conflict was, “I’m sorry!..You’re not mad at me, are you? Please don’t be mad at me! :::tears:::” I might as well have dumped the pig’s blood on my head myself.

If my mom and sister could have stifled their revulsion for my pubescent self and let me contribute my perfectly on-topic remarks, or, if I wasn’t on topic, said, NICELY, “We’re kinda busy right now, but tell us about it later,” it would have made a world of difference. Instead, they acted as if any room they were in had only them in it, and I was expected to act accordingly.

It had to be the alcohol. If my mom had been thinking straight, she might have taken into account both her experience: oldest of 6; their parents went to great lengths not to play favorites, during the Depression and WWII, no less. AND my dad’s experience: his mother, for reasons that will never be known, since she’s dead, blatantly favored my uncle over my dad, in ways that echo many posts in this thread. And my mom was aware of how this affected him. But she shunned me anyway, and sat there and let my adult sister act like a bratty teenager towards me. (Funny thing is, when I was 16, my mom decided I was old enough to drink with them. So I was okay all of a sudden. Woohoo.)

Large Marge, is that always true, that parents favor the “easy” child? I’ve gathered from other people that it’s very often the opposite: the needy, “problem” child gets more attention in an attempt to “fix” hir. I know that in my own family, at various points on the timeline, my sisters and I were each cast in the role of “identified patient”. Just my bad luck, I guess, that I was at my most vulnerable stage of development when Marcia was identified.

Also, I recall a recent thread about only children and whether they’re okay with their status. Many onlies responded that they were glad of it, because “I wouldn’t have wanted siblings to fight with!” But when I started a thread asking Dopers with siblings if they regretted having them, most people replied that they’d had their conflicts, but when everything shook out, they wouldn’t trade their siblings for all the only-child privileges in the world. The only people who replied in the affirmative were the ones who had clinically dysfunctional experiences. So it doesn’t have to suck, but unfortunately, for some, it does.

38

There is quite some disparity between me and my brother. I’m the eldest by about 5 years, and because of this, and the fact that he’s the boy, he is babied and spoilt. When we were growing up, he had mum wrapped around his little finger, whereas I was more of a daddy’s girl, but as a daddy’s girl, was expected to be intelligent, independent and all that. In that respect, my dad always favoured me over the little brother, but in my mum’s eyes the little brother is the baby, the angel, the one who can never do any wrong.

Case in point, when I turned 17 and wanted to learn how to drive, I was told by my mother that 17 was too young, and I ought to concentrate on my studies, and I could learn when I was older. Guess who did get to learn to drive at 17, and got his lessons paid for? I still haven’t passed my driving test because I currently can’t afford to pay for my own driving lessons (I’ve had to pay for all of my driving lessons, because by the time I started to learn how to drive, my parents decreed that I was an independent adult and could pay for my own lessons.) Mum claims that she learnt from the mistake she made with me. I claim favouritism.

Even now, I’m just finishing my PhD, and my brother’s an undergrad at the same university. Mum insisted that we live together so that “the little brother would have someone to look after him”. Yes folks, I’m 25, the brother’s 20, and mum still insists that I look after him. I cook, do a large chunk of the cleaning, and make sure all the bills are paid on time. He gets away with murder; he only ever cooks when I’m not around, and half the time it involves nuking something from the freezer that I made previously and froze. He left to visit the parents today, leaving a sink full of dirty dishes, and no bread in the house. When I told my mum about this, her response was “well, you’re his elder sister. You can clean up after him, and look after him. Its what you’re supposed to do, I still look after my younger brother.” Which she does – her youngest brother is divorced and lives with my aunt, his sister. My aunt’s gone on holiday – her first ever time abroad. Mum is cooking extra so that her brother can drop by on his way home from work and pick it up. The man is capable of cooking!

sigh My brother is definitely the spoilt favourite child. I guess that’s what I get for having an Indian family. At least I was my granddad’s favourite (which really pissed my brother off!

39

As much as I’d like to think they favoured my brother more than me, I believe now my parents were pretty equal (and my mother always told me that) with my brother and I. My selfish younger-sibling childhood belief was that my brother got the better deal because he was older.

I do think nowadays that I was the child who got handed things on a plate more often than my brother did. I was the child who threw tantrums, slammed doors and sulked; he had the opposite temperament.

40

I’m the elder, by two years and five months, of two girls. My sister always gave our parents hell and got away with it, whereas if I even thought about doing something, I was instantly smacked down. It still bothers me, especially since they’re still doing it, inasmuch as they can, now that my sister and I are grown. The most sterling example of the disparity is what I call the Pager Incident.