I think my parents tried to treat my sister and me equally, but it didn’t exactly work out so well because I am the Good Kid and my sister - who’s six years younger than me - is the Bad Kid. The last time I visited my family was at Thanksgiving, when my sister ruined my trip by throwing a massive temper tantrum as Thanksgiving dinner was starting. That’s just an example of my sister’s idea of appropriate behavior, and it was in no way an isolated event. (She was twenty-one years old at the time, btw.) I’ve pretty much written her off as a lost case.
Anyway, I’m visiting with my family for a couple weeks right now, and my parents are trying to get me to give her another chance. They put her in therapy and apparently she’s doing better - going to school, enjoying her classes, having normal conversations that don’t involve shrieking and slamming doors, etc. There’s no point in complaining that my parents never spent massive amounts of money to send me to a therapist, because I’d never dream of behaving like my sister. In fact, when I bitterly pointed out to my dad that if I acted like my sister, he wouldn’t have forgiven me, he said “Well, you aren’t crazy.” Which is a valid point.
I think my sister is kind of bitter towards me because she perceives that our parents favor me, as the Good Kid. We do not have a good relationship, and I don’t know if we ever will.
My parents very much favored my brother, but I understand why. My older brother is the perfect son and has always helped out my parents whenever they asked him. I was a little hellion growing up and I drove my parents nuts when I was a teenager.
I grew up, understood the error of my ways and worked hard to rectify my past wrongdoings. I help my parents out whenever they ask me, but they still depend solely on my brother. He’s the responsible first son and he works hard for my parents’ favortism. Even though it’s hard to know that my parents love my brother more, it really does make sense. They need him and he needs them. I’m fine with living my life with my SO at this point in time.
I am not sure, that was a long time ago. My mom didn’t get along well with me when I was young and she was a little harder on my younger brother but aside from that, no not really.
My uncle’s ex-wife also played favorites with their two sons.
She ignored Junior, and focused all her attention on the Baby. At Christmas, she’d make a big show of bringing them both gameboys and such, and then would come back the next day and sneak out with Junior’s gift so she could return it to the store and get her money back. If Junior walked up to her and asked for some change for a soda, she’d say she didn’t have any, but if two minutes later Baby wanted a soda, well, whaddya know, she had change and some extra for him.
Ironically, now that they’re grown, Junior is the one always asking about her and worrying over her. Baby doesn’t give a shit whether she lives or dies.
I am here to tell you that that theory did not hold true for me. That sounds horribly conceited, but it is true, nonetheless. My mother never told ANY of us that we were pretty (the girls I mean), that she loved us, that we would be/were attractive/lovable/nice, even. I know she treated us differently, but once we were past say, 6, there was no protecting going on. (of course, I was a kid when car seats were unheard of etc). I am glad that she didn’t play one of off the others and all, but girls need to hear that they’re pretty–it’s part of our culture etc. Believe me when I say that she wasn’t telling us we were smart etc either!
She still favors some over others–she has a favorite grandchild (I’m the only one to have had kids). She favors my first son ALOT–to the extent that she will call and talk only to him, and not want to talk to the others. You can’t do that when kids are small–but she is clueless as to proper behavior in this way. I did talk to her about that–and the upshot of our talk is that she doesn’t call them at all anymore. :rolleyes: Whatever…
To be fair, I don’t think it was said cruelly. And it’s absolutely 100% true- I have a lot of trouble making friends and relating to people, where my sister has none. She’s the kind of little girl strangers comment on- “my goodness, you have a beautiful litle girl.” And, again, to be fair, my mom also thinks I’m the smartest of my sisters.
Yes. It’s only $50/month though. It was originally an agreement- that I was supposed to have certain freedoms if I paid rent (like that I’m allowed to tell my parents to stay the heck out of MY room because now it is MY room) but it hasn’t worked out as well as I had hoped. It’s sort of morphed into “we LET you stay here. You’re paying to not be kicked out. And I’m your mom- I’ll go in your room if I want to. What are you hiding in there anyway?” I have a pretty decent job, though, so I have enough to pay rent each month, put a good chunk into savings for college/car/real rent, and have some left over for food and fun.
My parents can be unfair, and they annoy the tar out of me, but they’re not cruel. They’re good people. They don’t drink or smack us around or anything. They love us all a lot.
Yeah, but it might not be like that if you’d been given more of a sense of self-worth. Of COURSE your sister is personable when she’s apparently never been rejected.
However, I daresay you can console yourself in the knowledge that when (IF) your sister gets her first job, it may be a rude awakening for her, finding out that not everyone is going to kiss her butt for her. I gather that you’re doing well at your job, so kudos to you.
I’m the oldest and the only boy, so I’m sure my sisters have a different take on things, but I think my parents were pretty fair. I had some slight privileges, but most of them were earned; I had more responsibilities because I was the oldest. My sisters were consciously treated as close to the same with material goods as possible because there were problems otherwise, and while I obviously got different things because I was a boy I didn’t get better or more numerous things than they did. If one of us got a bike, all of us did. This led to none of us getting things sometimes when my parents couldn’t afford to get one of whatever-it-was for everyone.
I had my own room through most of our childhoods, which probably wasn’t that fair, but they would have been given their own rooms if my parents had had enough money for 4 bedroom houses instead of 3. I also had no official curfew, but I count that as partly earned since I was more trustworthy and reliable than either of them. One sister in particular earned herself many a restriction by lying about anything and everything and sneaking out when she didn’t have permission to go somewhere. In comparison, I looked like an angel.
I’m pretty appalled at some of the stories I’ve seen in this thread. It’s hard to imagine people who are so nasty as to be so blatantly unfair to their kids. I know it’s more common when the blood relationship is weaker, as with half-siblings, or non-existent, as with step-siblings, but even then it’s just so screwed up. Unfair treatment may not exactly be abuse, but it definitely shapes how someone views the world as they are growing up. Quartz even said that un-differentiating punishment led to having a more cavalier view of lying.
I’m the eldest of three, and I’m constantly reminded by my only living Grandmother that I’m the favorite.
I was the awkward smart one, my sister (born two years to the day after me) was the pretty social one, and my brother was the one that flirted with jail time.
Classic.
I can never have a daughter. People would get hurt.
I could write a book about the favoritism showed to my two years younger sister. I wasn’t enrolled in school until I was almost six. When the teacher said I should be in first grade, my mother responded “Oh no. She’s too stupid for that.” Younger sister was enrolled at age 4. She got the big stuffed animals and big stuffed toys. She would go on trips with my mother while I was left home. She got a stereo system and had a bank account. If she did anything wrong, my mother would find some way to make it my fault (well, you make her so nervous). This continued until my mother’s dying day.
I remember when younger sister got a stuffed red and white monkey. I asked for a stuffed monkey, and got a black one with a plastic face. After my mother died and we cleaned out her place, I found out my “monkey” was a naked, earless, tailless Micky Mouse doll!
I didn’t notice it until my brother and I were teenagers, and the difference in treatment broke down by gender lines. I’m the eldest, by 3 years.
Stuff like, when I got my learner’s permit at 14, and passed driver’s ed for a restricted license, I still could only use a car when nobody else was. When my brother did the same at 14, 3 years later, they helped him buy a used car. The rationale was that ‘boys need a car and girls don’t.’ I assume they were thinking in terms of girls having dates and getting rides with boys, but that theory got shot to hell by this introverted bookworm who didn’t have her first date til she was 17. Now I look back and realize their uppance came when they had to haul me all over the place because I didn’t have my own car and they were against me having a job and trying to get through school (and again, not an issue they had with my brother).
I’ve wondered if it had to do with their upbringing - although they both like to think they’re more enlightened, both were raised in post-Depression rural areas where boys worked the farm and girls were burdens to get married off as soon as possible. Must’ve been a helluva shock when my dad became a teacher instead of a farmer. The reverence for males is definitely strong on my dad’s side of the family - my grandparents didn’t speak to my folks for about 6 months after I was born, because apparently the oldest kid is required to be a boy.
There are such wildly different situations and ages among my siblings and I that I wouldn’t even be able to remember or tell if we were treated differently. I’m #4 of 5, but it’s also not traditional - I have two older half-brothers, an older adopted sister, and a younger half-sister. My parents divorced when I was 8 (my brothers were 15 and 18, respectively, my sister was 12). My brothers experienced most of their childhood in a traditional two parent home. My older sister and I experienced much of our childhood in a single parent home with frequent visits to the other parent.
My older sister flipped out and moved to NYC and I haven’t seen her in 14 years. There were a lot of circumstances that came to a head and she just felt more comfortable excusing herself from the situation entirely. So once I was 14, I was the only one left in the house when my dad had remarried. During this time, he gave me more stuff than my brothers, but my brothers were both adults at this time so it’s natural that I would need more.
My little sister was born when I was 14 and currently lives with my mom and her dad in the traditional two parent home. She gets more from my mom because the rest of us are adults and don’t need anything from her. In fact, we give as much as we can to my sister, as well.
The only real disparity in my upbringing compared with most of my siblings is that I was the only one who spent much of childhood in a broken home, fending for myself. I don’t and can’t blame my parents, though, because that was hardly intentional or avoidable. They did their best and so far I think I’ve turned out pretty well.