Parents: How and when did you teach your kids not to grab other people's stuff?

In My Humble Opinion
1

We’re becoming first-time parents in about a month. Also, we had a party Saturday with many adults and a few kids, one of whom is a seven-year-old boy. He and his parents (and a couple of other people) also stayed the night at our house, as we’d planned on having them do, since they came from two or three hours away. His parents are good friends of ours. I know they’re smart, good people, and I’d thought they were pretty good parents, too.

At least four times that I saw and a few more that I heard about from his mom or his cousin, this kid opened doors to closed-off rooms, looked in drawers, picked up and handled and carried around stuff (including fragile items), investigated my nightstand, pulled (child-inappropriate) books off a bookshelf in our bedroom and started to read them, etc. His mom was usually nearby, saying things like “You can’t just go around opening doors/picking up people’s things like that, honey. How would you like it if someone went in *your *room and did that to *your *things?” but didn’t actually stop him the first half-dozen times. Whenever he wasn’t actively playing with someone or something else – running around outside with the other kids, having a book read to him, etc. – he was ready to get into something of ours.

At one point, when he started getting tired and cranky, I told his mom that I thought I had some toy foam blocks in a box somewhere in the basement and that I’d go look for them. The kid declared he’d help me look. I said no, I’m sorry, you can’t go in the basement, it’s too dangerous a place for kids (I’d shattered a glass jam jar down there earlier this week, by dropping it on the deteriorating concrete floor, and know there are spilled nails on the floor as well as saw blades hanging from the rafters and probably puddles of festering cat pee and Og knows what all else, not to mention pointy tools and breakable things and chemicals and other stuff he could get into since he obviously can’t keep his hands to himself). He followed me down there anyway, so quietly that I didn’t realize he was there until he spoke up, and declared, looking around himself with all the scorn a seven-year-old can manage, “What’s so ‘dangerous’ about this?!” with his hands on his hips. Standing there in his bare feet. I had to bodily herd him back upstairs.

This is behavior I’d expect from a three-year old, and probably not be surprised by from a five-year-old, but from a seven-year-old? :eek:

So, parents, does this sound as out-of-line to you as it seemed to me? How did you teach your kids boundaries about other peoples’ stuff? Or your own grown-up stuff? How old were they at various stages of accepting this sort of thing? I know some kids learn some lessons faster than other kids and other lessons, and that parenting style and persistence makes a big but variable amount of difference, and am curious to hear anecdotes.

2

Well, I can understand some misconceptions here on the part of a young boy on what is and is not off limits in a new place, especially if he is not used to spending the night away from home. Maybe his own parents are pretty lax about that kind of stuff and he is just not used to having places or things in a house be off-limits? At this age, I would say the parents are not setting those boundaries. 7 is old enough to learn these types of things, not like say, a toddler who goes after anything interesting to them, so it is certainly a matter of what he has been taught (and not his age.) If for some reason the kid is not able to understand those types of rules, the parents should know that and keep better track of what he is doing. If that happened at my house, I would be going WTF about the parents more than the kid.

When we are going to a new place, we tell our kids up front, before we go, what will be expected. They know to come to us to ask permission to play somewhere or with something that is not theirs. Usually in a situation like yours, where we are spending a lot of time at a new house, the host will have set up a play area or we will ask up front “is it ok for they kids to play in this room, etc.” We would never assume they had free run of a house, we would tell them, “you can play here and here but not there” or whatever. Do they ever mess up? Sure…but if my kid was acting the way that boy was, he would have been punished (a first innocent mistake gets a reminder, but a second means he is no longer free to play out of our sight.) Our 5 year old is able to comply.

I can understand him opening a closed door by accident (once), but if I knew about it I would certainly set him straight (and it is also your right to tell him not to go in the basement, he definitely should not have followed you down there.) He should not be going into your bedroom, especially after being told not to. My kids are not even allowed to play in my bedroom, although they do have to be reminded, but I certainly would not allow a child of any age to play/go into an adult host’s bedroom or any room they had closed off.

It can be tough when people with kids spend time in houses where there aren’t any, but I know as a parent, I am extra-vigilant when we are at a childfree home about asking before they touch. I think the thing to do here is make your rules/wishes clear to the parents, and if they don’t enforce, don’t invite them back. Of course, in an immediate situation like you describe where a kid is in danger or even an item (like the fragile things you describe) is in jeopardy, you are right to step in, IMO.

3

Forgot to add, my kids are 5 and 2. And as for ‘when’ do you teach this kind of thing, it really is something that should be modelled and taught as soon as they are able to grab for things. Kids can and should be taught what they can and can’t touch even as babies. And we are pretty lax about giving them free reign of our baby-proofed home, but there still are places that are not for them. (My 5 year old still pouts when I kick him out of our bedroom though! Go to your own room filled with toys, or the family room, or the basement, or the backyard, dang it!)

4

Totally out of line. His mom should have stopped the behavior as soon as it happened. Snooping through other people’s homes and going through their things - not to mention following you into a dangerous basement after specifically told not to - is completely unacceptable. If I were at a party and my 8-year-old or 6-year-old did this, they would be told to stop the first time. The second time, they would be warned that if it happened again, we were leaving. The third time, we’d leave. Actually, for a transgression as seriously as deliberately disobeying you and following you into the basement, we might just leave immediately at that point. My kids know better than to pull nonsense like that. (Which isn’t to say that they never do; just that they know better. :stuck_out_tongue: )

5

How. Don’t touch other people’s stuff. Doesn’t always work - sometimes they pick up or touch stuff still absentmindedly. Still do. But they don’t open drawers or pull books off book stands or we wouldn’t bring them over to other people’s houses.

When they were young and didn’t know better, we watched them constantly and corrected them. As they learned better, they did it less and less until they could be trusted not to get into other people’s stuff - and that happens way faster than seven unless there are developmental issues.

In this case Mom should have left the party with him with strike three. Or, knowing that he doesn’t respect the boundaries of others, not brought him at all.

We used to have a party where we’d let people bring their kids. Unfortunately, of all of our friends, ONE of them has children that don’t have an understanding of boundaries and don’t respect our stuff. He does have some developmental issues, but at the same time, she knows that and doesn’t stay on top of him and brings him anyway. Now the parties are grownups only.

6

Yeah, when I read the title, I thought you would be talking about a 2-3 year old. By 7, this should be pretty well taken care of. Of course, every once in a while, a child that age will pull a truly WTF move, because they don’t have all the background knowledge we take for granted, and their risk assessment and self control are not fully mature. But that should be a rarity. In my experience, kids that age are fully capable of doing what they’re told.

As to how one achieves this, it starts when they’re 2 and they are completely incapable of controlling themselves, and you tell them “don’t touch that!” 800 million times. Eventually it starts to sink in. But only if you put the work in. Either the parents in this case are not pulling their weight by teaching their kid, or their kid has some brain problem that makes him unteachable, and they’re not pulling their weight by staying on top of him the way you do a 2yo.

7

Yeah, by 7 years old, the kid should be able to listen to simple directions and should know that they don’t go snooping through someone else’s house. I’m not sure by what age exactly they should be expected to have better self control (my son is four and has a pretty good sense of when to ask me if he should touch something), but as soon as they’re mobile enough to get grabby, that’s when you a) remove the breakables if it’s your house and b) watch them like a hawk and correct them or keep them away from breakables if it’s not.

We also used to have an annual or twice-annual party, which we stopped having. In our case, it was because our friends’ kids were pretty much trashing our house. When they were babies, it was no big deal because their parents were much more vigilant and babies really just cruised around pulling mail off the coffee table.

Unfortunately, the older they got, the less our friends watched them until it got to the point where our friends would just hang out and drink while their kids were literally bouncing off our couches in the living room and grinding purple moon sand into our carpets. We’re perfectly comfortable telling our friends’ children to knock it the hell off, but it started feeling like we were an annual babysitting service, so now we just have one or two couples over at a time because they’re less likely to assume someone else is policing the children.

8

My brother has a step-son just like this, and it continued for years. He was so annoying I didn’t even like him visiting. He wasn’t just a snoop, he was a thumper and a pincher. He thought he was being funny. My brother is a very patient man with no permission for authority, my SIL is the type to ignore stuff until it reaches a critical level, then she yells. He was on ADHD meds for years and I think it calmed him down some but he just seemed like he had bugs in his britches all the time and never paid attention to admonishments. At that age it’s hard to use simple redirection. That’s what you do with toddlers.

He’s eighteen now and finally figured it all out. l hope.

9

Congrats on becoming parents! It’s the toughest job I ever loved.

The child visiting has no boundaries and it is sad. He should by that age. Good for you for herding him upstairs when he followed you to the basement. I used to watch a friends kids when she was in a pinch but I had to tell her never again after the last time.

I would go to her house and babysit and the kids would not go to bed. I made them stay in their rooms and they screamed until their Mother came home. I was not letting them run around after bedtime. Then they came to my house, the boy is 9 and the girl is 5 and one of them peed on my comforter and they spilled red coolaide on my rugs. I had to have my comforter dry cleaned. Both are toilet trained?

The last time I thought I’d keep them outside because the weather was nice and I caught them strangling my poor dog! They were pulling him up the side of the porch by his tie out choking him and laughing about it. I told her that was the last time and she really needs to get them under control. She looked at me and said, why? She has two degrees and one is a Masters in Psychology and has a good job but she can’t seem to ever say no to her kids. She created a couple of monsters who are going to pay the price. She can’t keep a boyfriend and I know it is those kids that are scaring them away. I hope she doesn’t end up like my other friend who could never say no. Once her kids hit puberty they started running the house and telling their Mother what to do. If she didn’t they would call her awful names.

I blame the parents and not the kids when they don’t learn manners. It takes work and patience but it is do able. If my son ever did what that kid did at your house I would have put him in the car and left. He would have been punished for it.

10

If my friends let their seven year old son wander through our house touching our stuff, I don’t care how good friend they were they’d never be invited to our house again, at least not until the kid was moved out.

One of our biggest things that I tell people is our house is not kid-proofed and will never be. I am willing to temporarily kidproof one room when kids come over but I just don’t have the capability to proof every room.

11

FWIW, the kid in the OP has no developmental or other issues that I know of, and I’m pretty sure I’d have heard about it if he did. He reads, is in regular classes at school, all that kind of thing. And I know he spends the might away from home all the time – his extended family is big, close, interconnected and spread out all over the country. I’m assuming this is mostly a parenting issue, but since I’d previously thought the parents in question were pretty good about parenting, it really surprised me. I’ve been around this kid at various times since he was born, too, rarely at his own house, although not more than a few hours a few times a year.

I suspect they may be parents who subscribe to that idea that arbitrary discipline is harmful to kids and that you should always reason with them, or persuade them, if they’re doing something you don’t want them doing. That kids are naturally good and good-intentioned and making them follow rules “because I said so and I’m the parent!” is limiting and unnecessarily cruel, etc. You know what I’m talking about? We have a few friends with this parenting philosophy, and for some kids it seems to work… others, not so much. This particular seven-year-old clearly feels empowered to judge for himself whether a restriction makes sense, and if it doesn’t, to heck with it.

12

When they are learning the “don’t touch” rules - you can’t reason with them. Reasoning with a two or three year old is like reasoning with your cat. The rules can’t be arbitrary, but its a case of “I’m the boss and I say so.” Later - around six or seven, you can start the whole trying to get them to understand the ethics thing - you don’t touch other people’s stuff without asking because you don’t want them to touch yours. Its confusing though, because if you emphasize sharing, then they feel they don’t have a right to their own stuff and don’t understand that other people don’t “share.” To a seven year old - having to “share” their stuff while having to not touch other people’s stuff is a lot more confusing than it is to a grown up.

13

That’s the problem with parenting philosophies. This is true of all of them.

14

I refused to kid-proof my home when I had my daughter. As far as I know, my parents didn’t either. I wanted to be able to take her anywhere and NOT worry that she would break something. I suppose that doesn’t necessarily work for everyone, but she learned to leave things alone and I could take her to other homes without a hassle. I only have the one, but when I was growing up, I was not allowed to play with my brother’s or sister’s things without their permission.

Seven is way old enough to behave properly in someone else’s home. And yes, I blame the parents.

Once a child is mobile, it’s time to start teaching boundaries.

15

Even before they’re mobile. If a six month old baby grabs your necklace or your glasses, you should gently remove their hand and tell them not to do that. And then do it again and again and again. It sinks in…eventually.

16

This is the key to teaching many things. You begin at the beginning. I mean, you begin teaching the minute their lives begin. Toddlers are stubborn and I admit that you sometimes have to give them a little smack on the hand to teach them not to grab.

Some kids have itchy fingers and it’s difficult for them to learn to control them. For example, when my younger son was little I would either not take him into stores with breakable things, or have him keep his hands in his pockets the whole time.

Seven is plenty old enough to have learned not to grab things.

17

Mine set off the alarm in an art museum. THAT was embarrassing. He was probably three.

He still looks with his hands when he forgets - his natural learning style is tactile - he is eleven and we’ve only said “don’t touch” about a gazillion times.

18

Yes, and sometimes I think it’s not fair to the itchy-fingered child to constantly put him into situations where it will get him into trouble. He’s got to learn, yes, but don’t overwhelm him or expect too much too fast.

19

This kid is not being appropriately parented or disciplined. He faces no adverse consequences for getting into things. He and his parents should have been disinvited at the party, as soon as it became apparent that the child WAS going to get into things, and nothing was going to stop him.

Frankly, I’d have have given him a few good swats on the butt, picked him up, and placed him in his parents’ arms, and told them to take him home, and not bring him back until he’s housebroken. Because he and they need a reality check. He’s damn lucky that he didn’t step on something. This child is a menace to himself and others, because can you imagine if you’d told him not to throw an electric switch while standing in water (you or him or both standing in the water)? He’d have done it, saying “What’s so dangerous about this?” just before one or both of you got fried. He’s an accident waiting to happen, and even if you had planned on having him and his parents stay overnight, you hadn’t realized that he was so uncontrolled when you extended the invitation. So he gets uninvited.

In another parenting thread, I mentioned that there are times when a child needs to obey a parent immediately, without backtalk. For a seven year old, that is MOST of the time. Seven year olds have very limited reasoning ability, and their parents need to keep limits on them.

As for when you teach this sort of thing, you teach it when they start to reach for things. I don’t remember exactly when this is, but it’s before they’re mobile. I started teaching my daughter not to reach for my glasses or earrings when she was an infant, just by removing her hands and saying “No”. On the other hand, she was allowed and encouraged to reach for food and toys. This is a constant ongoing lesson, but by preschool age a child should USUALLY pull back his/her hand when an adult says “No”. Sometimes the object is too tempting, and adults have to watch for that, but by kindergarten age or so, most kids understand not to grab at everything that catches their eyes. And this can usually be done without swatting a kid, if the parents are consistent about not rewarding bad behavior. Usually, just pulling back and saying “NO” is enough. This child has learned that even if his parents say “No”, they won’t remove his hands, so he’ll probably need to be swatted for a while until he learns not to grab. And it’s his parents’ fault.

20

Out of curiosity, did you misread the kid’s age? I say this because I have a kid about the same age, and he weighs 65 pounds and comes up to my shoulder. I would have difficulty picking him up, period, much less hauling him through the house and then depositing him in someone else’s arms. :slight_smile: