Yeah, there’s a real disconnect here. To me, telling mutual friends, “Hey, so-and-so is visiting” is a completely normal and non-noteworthy thing to do - not something I would ever describe as “the worst that could happen.”
I do have a couple of friends who feel similarly to you about having information or photos about them posted on social media, and I respect their wishes once I find this out, but I don’t consider this the normal or default view. I find that position to be strangely secretive, the idea that you don’t want anyone else knowing what you look like, where you are, or what you are doing, even in the context of mutual friends sharing this information about things you did together while visiting.
It would not bother me.
I have found it prudent, in these days of hyper-connected social networking, to let it be known beforehand that you don’t want a visit or event posted about on FB - otherwise assume that people will use it for sharing social activity, because that’s what it’s for.
Nice to know that is not just me. Bear in mind that I’d be less bothered were it mutual friends, my biggest problem is the sharing of my movements with people I don’t know.
And “strangely secretive”? If I wanted to share my movements with the world I’d let them know. Similarly if I want you to do it on my behalf I’ll let you know. Surely it is only good manners to ask before you do it?
Out of curiosity, what exactly are we talking about here? Did these people post blow-by-blow updates for everything you did, i.e. “Novelty Bobble just woke up and he is making breakfast!” “Novelty Bobble is now going with us to the gas station!” etc., or was it more along the lines of, “Novelty Bobble’s family and our family are at the zoo right now”?
Hey Einstein–
Would you care to share with us just precisely how being in public allows privacy? You “share your movements” everywhere you go, sometimes by strangers’ eyeballs, and sometimes by security cameras.
And another thing–there’s something called a phonebook–it’s been around for decades–it allows thousands and thousands of complete strangers to look up thousands of other strangers’ phone numbers and addresses.
There is NOTHING on the internet that automatically decreases your privacy–it just makes certain things more noticeable.
imagine a local newsletter with a circulation of few hundred people that you don’t know.
Would you be happy to have a friend publish an article in that newsletter detailing your visit, locations, conversations and photos, without asking you?
One is reporting on themselves and including your family as part of their doings, which is not that unusual. The other is just reporting your actions, which would be odd.
The fact that the latter would indicate some form of a stalking and thus give you a reason to actually care, as people who stalk often have nefarious intent. Someone who is sharing what you and they are doing obviously does not have such intent–they are just sharing what they are doing and the fact that you happen to be doing it too.
I can’t understand how you can operate in public if you are that afraid of people knowing what you are doing–that you would make friends not tell people they are with you. I can’t imagine people adhering to such an unreasonable request.
The latter doesn’t indicate stalking at all. From the little I know of facebook that seems to be about right for the inanity of content. Exactly that type of comment is posted without a second thought.
Now I don’t make anyone do anything. I am merely lamenting the passing of discretion and good manners.
If it were a single sentence to say “x and y plus family are here” then that is not a problem. That is not my complaint. To start posting, *without permission * photos and information on exactly where we have been together and conversations we have had and what we have eaten and what we have done etc. etc. Is flat out bad manners. If I am asked I might say “fine, post it” But to not even be asked I find astonishing.
If that behaviour were carried out by any other manner to the same extent many more people would be furious, Somehow because it is done via an electronic medium it somehow doesn’t matter? I don’t agree. I direct you to my scenario about the newsletter and ask you if you’d be comfortable with that happening to you and your family?
The two are not separate though are they? Rather it ends up as a “stream of consciousness” the doings and the actions and the conversations and the photos all happen as one without your subtle distinction being made.
At least that is my limited experience. But what I glean from other friends is that quite a few others share exactly my concern.
Yes, in the examples given, they are. If I write ‘the Smiths joined us at the zoo, it was wicked hot but the Smiths bought us all ices, so yay them!’ it wouldn’t occur to me to get permission, unless I knew the family was particularly private in general. I’m writing about my life, which happened to include the Simths.
However, if I wrote 'The Smiths are visiting. They got up at 6 and showered. Boy they ate a big breakfast. Then they slept or four hours! Lol!", that’s a bit weirder since its not my life I’m reporting on.
Probably not. I also wouldn’t be thrilled if my friend detailed the visit , conversations etc to groups of her friends and relatives that total up to 100 people I don’t know. I wouldn’t be mad either, or think it was terribly rude. Just not thrilled.
The only difference the electronic medium makes is that you now know exactly who she told what. I went to a family reunion last weekend, and know perfectly well that the conversations after we went back to our rooms each night and on the ride home consisted of a lot of cousin A telling her husband about her conversations with cousins B&C , and him relating his conversations with Uncle D and cousin E’s fiancee ,etc.
Oh , and no problem if the coach posts a photo on Facebook - before Facebook existed, photos of baseball games, kids at a parade, etc were published in the neighborhood newspaper - didn’t mind that either
Right, basically this. And I think BigT meant “former,” not “latter.”
And it’s really not a particularly subtle distinction. It is interesting that you failed to see a difference between “Novelty Bobble just got up and is eating breakfast now” and “Novelty Bobble’s family went to the zoo with us.” To me those are very different types of posts. The former feels skeevy and privacy-invading; the latter does not.
I am really not trying to harsh on you, although it may sound from my posts like I am. I am just interested by the fact that you have such a different perception of social media etiquette than the majority of people. While in the minority, you are certainly not alone and this may help me understand the other couple of people in my life who are like this.
I’m not a parent, but I think in the circumstance that the picture is innocent in nature then it wouldn’t be a big deal. If I have kids someday I am sure I wouldn’t mind, so long as if I wanted the picture removed, you would comply with the request.
Maybe I just haven’t been a parent long enough to experience this, but I’m having a hard time imagining a scenario in which you and I don’t know each other and you’re spending time with my kid. For the two examples you listed, coach and Sunday school teacher, I would make an effort to get to know you on at least a professional basis (as in, I’m entrusting you with the care of my child, so I should at least have had a few conversations with you). Now in regards to finding pictures of my child, it really depends. If you’re my kid’s coach and you have a picture of all or most of the kids on the team, or a group picture that happens to include my kid, I see nothing wrong with that. If my kid is one of only a few kids you have pictures of, or if my kid was on your team five years ago but no longer has any contact with you, I’d think that was a bit creepy.
What strikes me as odd is that you seem to be implying that the internet has somehow lowered our natural inhibitions in regards to privacy, as if people said, “What can I do with this new technology? Hey, I know! I’ll share information about Novelty Bobble’s family that was once completely secret and unknowable!” The world changes, but people don’t. People weren’t anti-social before social networking. Quite the opposite, from what I understand. When did we come up with the notion that prior to the internet, everyone hid in their houses and never talked to anyone? People didn’t just suddenly become interested in the mundane details of the lives of strangers when Facebook was invented. They’ve always been interested. The only difference is that our social circles are no longer restricted by geography.
I’ll admit, that when I’m with someone new before I post a picture of us or them/their kids and mine on Facebook I’ll ask them “Hey I’m gonna post this on Facebook, is that ok? Mind if I tag you?”. If someone said no then I wouldn’t. I don’t check about status updates though.
As for your newsletter, you are welcome to publish that your friend Hedda Rosa and her husband and 2 kids are headed to Ohio next week and will be in Akron for 4 days and she intends to mostly hang around with her cousins and drink beer and ignore her kids as they harrass their grandparents and she may even venture to the mall. Why they’d be interested I dunno but please do publish it.
The latter is more specific but not substantially different. Imagine your second entry written as it relates to your life only.
“the Smiths are visiting, I’ve had an early breakfast as their body clocks are off through travelling and everyone was up at six. Being a good hostess I’m not going to let them starve! I’m popping to the shops now to replenish the larder after breakfast (and the house is now quiet as jet lag kicks in) We’re all off to the zoo when they eventually wake up.”
All written by you, about you and yet most definitely giving exactly the same information in you “weirder” scenario.
Yes, this is exactly what I don’t like. I’d imagine that amongst families prone to such stuff that could cause untold spats and hassles.
Mind you, I don’t want to know who said what to whom so at least I can avoid it first hand, Doesn’t stop other people’s facebook bitchiness occasionally poking it’s nose into my life.
