Passive/Aggressive? or Stupid? or Thoughtless? or...?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

OK, one thing I thought I’d add that I don’t think was completely touched on, aside from the generalizing “communication” bits…

… why on earth, regardless of WHO is in the wrong, WHO has established a pattern (or patterns), is she actually talking to you in this manner? It sounds like you could be one of her children… by the way, how old are the kids, and does she talk to them in the same way when they “misbehave” (in her opinion)?

You have a wife, not a mother, and the fact that she is speaking to you like your 5 years old probably ADDS to your subconscious desire to not do things exactly like she wants them… because the underlying pattern of crappy behavior probably starts with her.

(maybe)…

42

Okay, while I think this is a couple that definitely needs counseling, I do have to chime in on the school supplies thing.

Depending on where you are, if you’re given a school supply list that calls for 12x18" construction paper (50 sheets) and you send your child to school with the wrong size, it will be returned home with instructions to get the right size. I kid you not.

When my daughter was going into first grade in San Antonio, her school supply list called for a box of 8 crayons. I searched at least five stores and could not find a box of 8 crayons anywhere, so I sent her with a box of 16, figuring the teacher could just remove the offending 8 colors.
Boy, was I wrong. The box of 16 was returned home with a lecture from the teacher about how “we want every child to have exactly the same thing so nobody feels special or different.” So I had to hunt through four or five more stores before finally finding the right size box to send to school with her. All that over 8 lousy crayons.

So I can understand the mom’s frustration if she knows that the school is going to pull that kind of dick move on her. Close enough just won’t work, even though a rational person might see nothing wrong with it.

But to suggest that he got the wrong size for all kinds of weird motives is definitely evidence that there’s something else going on here. Corner Case, I really hope you guys can find a way to communicate better because it sounds like you’ve got a breakdown somewhere. Better to face it and deal with it before it gets so bad it’s irreparable.

43

I agree with C3 that she sees her household and kids as reflecting on her. I also do not think she is mentally ill or OCD or anything remotely like that. Come on, we all say things that are over the top when we argue with our spouses. Especially when we are frustrated because we keep having the same issues arise over and over.

Her quip about ‘sneaking this past me’ was over the top, but I would have been annoyed too. It’s not just that she wanted some construction paper to have in the house, people. This is not about having OCD. Some schools send home a list of items before the year starts that you are required to buy. They are usually very specific because the teachers take time to plan ahead for projects and they don’t want kids coming in with 10 kinds of paper. The reason she was upset was not because she wanted that kind of paper on her own whim, she had to send her kids to school with it for a reason. She really does have to go out and return the paper now and get the right kind, and apparently she mentioned that already and is annoyed that apparently you didn’t pay attention, or in her mind, you heard her say that she needed X kind of paper but was waiting for more to come in, you went out and bought Y paper…why, exactly?

I think that she already feels like you are passive agressive and any mistake on your part, no matter how unintentional is going to be seen that way. This is what you need to talk about with her. Could it be true that maybe you are not paying enough attention to what she says or that you really don’t follow through when you need to? Not being able to rely on someone is very frustrating and I have the feeling that if we heard her side of things we would be seeing a whole different story. She needs to be able to let innocent things go and let you make mistakes, but I think she really just wants to be able to count on you.

When you retell these stories what I am noticing is that you seem to be confused about what she asks or what she really needs. You maybe just need to find a way to communicate with her better. Ask her clarifying questions if you are not sure, and ask her to be very specific and tell you when something is important, and to let it go if not. If you find a way to meet in the middle you will both feel more sure that things are being handled.

The fact that she praises you to other people speaks volumes. People who don’t love their spouses don’t do that. I think she loves you very much and she knows you are a good person. Find a time when you are both calm and talk to her for a while. You need to get past the little instances and find a way to make sure that: a) she is communicating clearly with you and not expecting you to read her mind and know what she needs, and
b) you are paying attention to her and come through for her when she is counting on you.

44

Corner Case, the two examples you provided show an extreme disconnect between you and your wife regarding communication and mutual respect. However, I don’t think you’re going to be able to fix these problems until you stop being a total doormat.

Stop always trying to find a point of view in which you are in the wrong. It’s not your job to anticipate every preference your wife has for every action you take. If you two disagree over the best way to do something, while it’s reasonable for you to do things you don’t feel strongly about her way, you don’t have to grovel before her for wanting to do it differently. Sometimes she will be in the wrong, and you need to stand up for yourself. You don’t have to match her anger, but you do have to be firm in your position. Sometimes you will be wrong, but that doesn’t justify her raking you over the coals for it.

Good communication requires both clarity and consistency. At no point were either of your actions intended to undermine your wife or make some subtle passive-aggressive point. You need to communicate this when your wife confronts you. If she casts a minor issue as some major power play on your part and you play along arguing details, you’ve confirmed that assumption.

45

In other words, stop beating yourself up and grow a pair. Her accusations of passive-aggression on your part are manipulative and controlling, not to mention simply false. Making a big deal out you not being psychic enough to figure out what shirt she wanted you to grab is completely out of line on her part. You really, REALLY need to quit finding ways to make things your fault or letting her make you think she’s the victim.

I can tell you how this would have gone in my house.

My wife: I put out some clothes for the kid. Go grab them.
Me: [returning with clothes] Here you go.
Wife: Those aren’t the ones I meant.
Me: Whatever. I couldn’t tell what you wanted. If you don’t like these go get the ones you wanted.

And that would be that. It’s so NOT an issue. If she can’t communicate a request clearly enough for you, then that’s her problem. Don’t let her browbeat you over this kind of chickenshit.

46

Do you feel like your wife treats you with respect and dignity, Corner Case? Of course married people are going to disagree and argue and even fight sometimes, but I believe that the disagreements should never go as far as disrespect. Kinda like here - argue with the argument, but don’t insult the poster. We can’t tell from a couple of anecdotes posted here, but how do you feel about the way she treats you?

47

What we have here is not failure to communicate, it’s two people dealing with a problem in two entirely different ways.

Here’s the problem: You have an OC and an MC, so I’m guessing you have a YC somewhere in the mix. You and your wife are no doubt stressed out beyond belief every morning (not to mention most other moments of the day.)

Your wife deals with this by mapping out every little detail, everything that can go wrong, and coming up with a master plan to deal with it. Lists aren’t just important, they’re the only thing that keeps her life from spiraling into utter chaos.

You on the other hand, are a guy. Guys specialize in dealing with problems by dealing with them on the spot. Can’t find the right outfit, put one together. Can’t find the right construction paper, get a suitable alternative. At our core, all guys pride themselves on being able to solve a problem with a quick, firm decision. Your responses suggest you’re more than a little put out because she’s harping on your doing the wrong thing when, for crying out loud, you dealt with the situation, it’s done with, and time to move on.

You can’t understand why she’s snapping at you for every little thing. She can’t understand why you can’t/won’t follow her directions.

Now, you can go to a marriage counselor and get help with the thousand wear points on your marriage, or you can fix this one thing quickly and cheaply, as long as you both are willing to swallow a little ego. Here goes.

You – face it, there are a hundred different ways of dealing with a situation, and you have a 99% chance of picking one that isn’t what she wants.

She – face it, he may be a great husband, but he can’t read your mind.

Let her make the list, to any degree of detail she’s comfortable with. You follow the list. If you can’t follow the list, DON’T IMPROVISE. Call her from the store and tell her you can’t find the assorted construction paper, and ASK if it’s okay to substitute.

Your problem-solving skills will come in handy in figuring out the fastest, easiest way to get the kids out the door and to school, drop off the dry cleaning and pick up stuff at Wal-Mart in one continuous trip and still be at work at the usual time.

She plans, you execute, and the marriage is secure.

And it wouldn’t hurt, once in awhile, to say “Okay, I’ll change his clothes” and “Okay, I’ll go back and return it.”

48

This entire thread is a perfect example of your passive-aggressiveness.

If you wanted to bash your wife, and have others join you, you could’ve opened a BBQ Pit thread and been done with it.

Instead, you dance around, with wishy-washy protestations about how you feel that you shouldn’t even be opening a thread about her and how awful you feel that you’re portraying her in such an unflattering light.

Yet, you opened it and have invited others to comment (most negatively) on your wife and your one-sided portrayal of the events you described.

No wonder your wife tells you that you are passive-aggressive. I finished reading your post and came to the same conclusion.

"Oh, no, what AM I doing wrong? I know that I am egostical, but no matter what I do…

Am I passive-aggressive, stupid, thoughtless…?"

Isn’t it a wonder that most folks have chimed in to say that you’re NONE of these things and that your wife is a bitch with control issues, who may have mental issues…how many negative things have been posted, again? But, most importantly, they’ve told you that it WASN’t your fault? Heck, the harshest thing anyone said to you about your responsibility was to grow a pair.

The way I read it, that’s exactly what you wanted to happen. You wanted posters to confirm what you keep trying to rationalize to yourself—that you aren’t passive-aggressive and that your wife is the one with the issues. Congratulations, it was artfully done.

49

I agree with everything Eureka said.

Dude, you came home with the wrong size of construction paper and she accused you of doing it on purpose, as if you just wanted to screw with her. I think that’s a huge warning sign – why does she assume that? I’m not pointing any fingers, mind you, since all I know of the situation is what I’m reading here. Maybe you have a pattern of behavior that puts that idea foremost in her mind. Maybe she has a pattern of behavior that leads her to take small things as a personal affront.

There is something not-okay here, and it has nothing to do with clothes or construction paper. It needs to get worked out right now. What’s going to happen when the kids get older and they put on an outfit Mom didn’t pick out? Or when she sends them to get a blue binder and they think the red one looks cooler so they get that? What are they learning by the way you two interact?

Please, please get some counseling. And as Ann Landers always said, if your wife won’t go with you then go alone.

50

He’s not PA, his wife is just a bitch. Fuck her lists.

51

He didn’t need to open this thread, no, no, no he didn’t…it’s just that he needed perspective…objective opinions…someone to tell him that he isn’t any of the things he says his wife says about him. Or maybe he is, and he * just doesn’t know it…*

See, all perfectly understandable, you know, considering she’s a controlling bitch.

Like I posted earlier, artfully done.

52

I wasn’t being nasty. I was saying it sounds like maybe she needs help, since it she seems to believe that her husband is somehow acting out of malice. Suggesting someone needs help isn’t an insult.

53

She needs some therapy or something. IMHO she’s verbally abusive. She apparently gets some satisfaction from these incidents - my guess is that the satisfying part is that she’s making you feel bad.

Do you ever do anything right? My guess is that it depends on her frame of mind. Where there’s a will, there’s a way and my guess is that when it is time for you to be made to grovel, you don’t even breathe properly.

One possible solution to the kids’ dressing incident might have been to not make any assumptions when the appropriate outfit wasn’t obvious. Another solution would have been for her to appreciate the effort you made to get everyone going on time.

You’re fine.

54

Damn you coward for not posting in the Pit!! How incredibly subversive!
Yeah mono, that’s it. You came in and hit the nail right on the head by knowing his ulterior motive. I can’t believe we’ve all been so duped. Because here I was thinking how impressive it was that someone was trying to figure out what’s wrong, asking other peoples’ opinions and actually listening. Hmmm, next time we should just all consult you first before we trot out our passive-aggressive talents. He deserves an Oscar, right?!

So thank you, very wise and charming armchair psychologist. Gotta love that bedside manner! Are should we be very afraid that this is your true profession and you get paid for such wonderful instruction and insight?

We all, I’m sure, bow to your impressive observations. Corner Case would be wise to shape up.

55

Project much, monospectacular?

56

Lemme get this straight? He posted in an public forum inviting opinions?

Just checking.

57

Hey, he asked if he was being passive-aggressive. I posted that he was, according to how I read his posts. Other people posted that his wife is a bitch. Doesn’t seem like that opinion helps much.

You obviously disagree. That’s why I posted that he was artful. Didn’t take much for him to have a bunch of random people tell him what he wanted to hear.

58

Hey Giraffe,

Wanna check out faithfool’s post? I didn’t use profanity or call names, so there was no need for me to post in the Pit, unless offering an opposing viewpoint is off-limits here.

Thanks.

59

faithfool was using his powers of tongue-in-cheek to refer to the OP, not you. He wasn’t calling you a coward.

That said, I feel the temperature rising in this thread. Everyone should check themselves to make sure they don’t cross the line. Talk amongst yourselves, but put down the megaphones.

60

I somewhat agree with monospectacular. While it’s possible that his wife is that controlling and that irrational, I doubt it. One wonders, does the OP undermine his wife with the children (giving them permission to do something his wife told them they couldn’t do earlier)? Is he constantly not doing things she asked him to do, or doing them wrong? As much as he protests that he doesn’t, does he talk down to her and condescend during normal conversation and give the impression he doesn’t think she’s very smart? I don’t think we’re getting anything near the whole story here.

I don’t think the OP is necessarily PA, but he could just be extremely inconsiderate, to be somewhat polite about it.