Hello.
I’ve been a lurking Doper for some time and think this community of the erudite and inane is the place to share my rhyming couplet doggrel. I hope you enjoy it. There’s more if you want it.
Note: there are some sexual references (otherwise it wouldn’t be bawdy) but any censorship is deliberate and in keeping with the period.
THE SCIENTIFICK LESSON
or a London spark is put out
BARTHOLOMEW RAKEHELL went out on a jaunt
To the Brothels of Bankside - his usual haunt.
In Bawdy-House Alley he came to a stop
At MRS COME-QUICKLY’s - his favourite shop
Where the Swells and the Fancy would oft’ spend the nights
After Drinkin’ and Gamblin’ at Boodles or Whites.
Her Wenches were comely, her rooms clean and tidy
Her Virgins were all guaranteed Bona Fide.
She’d ripe juicy Slatterns like Lombardy Grapes
Some Buxom, some Lithesome - all sizes and shapes.
Some Doxies were skilled in Particular Ways:
MISS PAYNE had a talent for Le Vice Anglais!
With Whip, Cane and Paddle she battered men’s bums
Her beatings made Debauchees cry for their Mums.
MISS SUCKLING, who versed in the Art of Fellatio
Could gobble a p—k regardless of Ratio
Bore off her patrons on Spumey Adventures
Due, on the whole, to complete lack of Dentures.
Equally good, tho’ not with her Gums
MISS PALM was a Marvel with fingers and thumbs.
Through Dexterous digits she turned Floppadicks
From Limp lettuce-leaves into Celery Sticks!
And lastly the Trollop they all called BLACK PEG
On account of her hair - and the odd Wooden Leg.
Which was shap’d like a Dildoe and was, thro’ the Winters,
As good as a Man - apart from the splinters.
But RAKEHELL’s insatiable Hunger was for
A fresh Country maid, not some clapp’d out old whore
So ‘twas ROSIE he pick’d and then pluck’d and deflower’d
But her Scented Embraces he sullied and sour’d.
A Vainglorious man, he used her with force
And show’d not a jot of regret or remorse.
“No time like the first time” he bellow’d with Pride
As ROSIE just lay there all wither’d and cried.
“Here’s twenty-five guineas” he said to the Mother
“And twenty-five more if you furnish another.
Let her be Fair and fifteen years of age
Bring her Tomorrow: I’ll double the wage!
Next morn’ went the Bawd to find him a mate
She took along Ribbands and Lace as her bait
To the Gardens of Vauxhall to seek out her Prey:
Innocent Lasses out for the day.
By Handel’s Statue she spotted a girl
With hair like spun Gold and skin white as Pearl.
Standing alone all agog at the Sights
In LONDON for maybe just one or two nights.
Not yet corrupted by City Diversions
She was just perfect for RAKEHELL’s Perversions.
“Good day, dear sweet child” the old Mistress said
“Are you newly arriv’d? Have you board? Have you bed?
If not there’s a place that I recommend
The rent’s somewhat dear but you’ll not need to spend
The least ‘Bit o’ Blunt’ - I mean money - you see
I own the Establishment. Come allow me
To give you these Prettying Trifles to wear
Here’s Lace for your Stomacher, Silk for your hair
And if you come later I’ll give you a Cap.
Shall we say Eight o’ clock? Very good. Here’s a Map!
Well, the poor girl was taken aback safe to say
But she bobbed a neat curtsy and answer’d “Good day.
My name is JENNY. From BRISTOL I’ve come.
Your Kindness is such that I’m almost struck dumb
I don’t know no-one and have nowhere to stay
How Lucky I am to have met you today.
Your generous offer I’d gladly accept
But how’d I repay you? I’d be in your debt.”
“I’ll think of a way”, said the Beldam “don’t fear.
Just come as arranged. Now there’s a good dear.”
The Stroke of Eight chimed with a knock at the door
“She’ll enter a maid but she’ll leave as a whore”
Cackled MRS COME-QUICKLY the raddled old b—h
Thinking of how, in an hour, she’d be rich.
In came poor JEN and was shown to a room
Little suspecting she went to her Doom.
The Villain was waiting The Trap had been set,
Just like a Linnet caught in a net,
Was how she’d been snared that day i’ th’ park
And now far from home she stood i’ th’ dark.
Lighting a candle to find out the bed
What did she see, but the Mad grinning head
Of BARTHOLOMEW RAKEHELL. “Sweetheart” he cried
“Tonight is our Wedding-Night. You are my Bride!
So Off with your Stays and Out with your Bubbies
And On with the game of Wifeys and Hubbies!”
He Grabb’d her and held her tight: harder and tighter
But lo and behold, Little JEN was a Fighter!
Bred down in BRISTOL her father’d won Prizes
The Art of the Pugilist held no surprises.
She twist’d and turn’d him and landed a Jab
He shriek’d like a Molly, he cried like a bab.
With Scientifick Precision she rain’d down her Blows,
The Rake tried to counter - she Bloodyed his Nose!
Thirty-Two rounds worth of Combat in One
Such were the flurry of Hits that she won.
Feignin’ and Feintin’ with flicks of her wrists
She taught him a lesson with Knuckles and Fists.
Finally Beaten, Batter’d and Bruis’d
His Wits were all Muddled his senses confus’d.
So forgettin’ the Rules and defyin’ the Odds
She gave him a Plum one - right in the Cods!
MRS COME-QUICKLY on hearin’ his cries
Couldn’t believe it and shriek’d “D—n my eyes
If the slut ain’t the best that I’ve ever heard.
He’s never made that Noise before, ‘pon my word!”
And started to think of the Money she’d make
From selling the girl to Rake after Rake.
Meanwhile, in the chamber, JEN scoop’d up his Gold
While BARTHOLOMEW lay on the floorboards out cold.
Then out o’ th’ window climb’d brave Little JEN
The Victorious Slayer of Miscreant Men.
Next day, RAKEHELL scream’d when he look’d i’ th’ glass
For his eyes were as black as Beelzebub’s A—e!
His Deforméd nose was like that o’ Cyrano
The low blow had turn’d him from Bass to Soprano.
So off went the Blackguard a-limpin’ with pain
Neither he nor his B——ks were e’er seen again.
The Moral is this: to all lusty young cocks
If visiting BRISTOL then learn how to box!