OK, yes, I’ll admit it, this is one of those emails that’s forwarded a million times, but It’s pretty damn funny, although it’s hardly the harbinger of tomorrow that many of the more liberal members of these boards will claim ( BTW - I depise the Patriot Act myself ). I’ve cleaned up all of the little ">"s, enjoy!
Operator: “Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your NIDN?”
Customer: “Hi, I’d like to order a pizza, please.”
Operator: “Sir, I’ll need your NIDN first.”
Customer: “My what?”
Operator: “Your National ID Number, sir.”
Customer: “Hold on - where is that thing? It’s 1020-45-6711-57008-3383.”
Operator: “Thank you, Mr. Clark. Welcome to Pizza Hut. I see that you have phone numbers 249-6511 at 42 Meadow Rd., email address clarkbar@aol.com, 327-1000 at Lincoln Insurance, fax 327-1010 with email clarkj@lincolnins.net, and a 240-6622 number, which corresponds to our cell phone registry. I assume the first two are your home and office. Where are you calling from, sir?”
Customer: "Huh? I’m at home. My goodness, where d’ya get all that information?
Operator: “We’re wired into PASS, sir.”
Customer: “PASS? What’s that?”
Operator: “The Patriot Act Security System, sir. It will only add 15 seconds to your ordering time, and it’ll assure that you are delivered a safe pizza. Gotta watch out for the evil-doers, right sir?”
Customer: “Oh yeah, sure. Whatever. I’d like to order 2 large pepperoni and sausage pizzas.”
Operator: “I don’t really think that’s a good idea, sir.”
Customer: “Huh? Why not?”
Operator: “Sir, your pharmacy records indicate you’re taking Altac for blood pressure and Calitor for cholesterol. National Health Care won’t approve an unhealthy choice like that without your primary care physician¹s authorization. And by the way, your prostate ultrasound yesterday came back negative. We’ll go ahead and schedule another appointment for next year.Do you still like to go on Tuesdays?”
Customer: “Huh? Sure. OK, thanks. But what kind of pizza can I have?”
Operator: “You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza or our All Veggie Round Top. Everyone with your profile likes it.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Operator: "Well, I see here your household subscribes to “Veggie News” and you ordered ‘Vegetarian Cooking’ from Amazon last week when you downloaded the new “Debbie Does Des Moines” DVD.
Customer: “Hey! What I watch is my business!”
Operator: “Absolutely sir, but we can offer you our Pizza with a Movie Special this week for only half price. And the 2 pizzas should be plenty for you, your wife, and the 4 kids. Hey, I hope Billy’s math is getting better after that D he got last 6 weeks. Anyway, your dog can finish the crusts, since little Susie doesn’t like them anymore. Although the vet notes his diarrhea would get better if you’d stop feeding him table scraps. Your total will be $49.99.”
Customer: “OK, OK. Lemme just charge it to my credit card.”
Operator: “I’m sorry, it’ll have to be cash, sir. Your VISA card is over its limit. Gee, who would¹ve thought you could buy so many suppositories in one month?”
Customer: “Hey, just charge it to my Mastercard!”
Operator: “Sorry, no can do. Your wife didn’t pay the December bill on time, there’s a late fee and finance charge. And if they don¹t receive a payment within 3 days, Bodyworks won’t send out the vibrator she ordered.”
Customer: “Vibrator? What the hell?”
Operator: “Sorry sir, just reading my screen. Should I complete your order?”
Customer: “All right, all right! I’ll just run over to the ATM before your driver gets here.”
Operator: “I’m afraid that won’t work either. Your checking account’s overdrawn. I think it was the combination of your oldest daughter’s IUD insertion and your wife’s hemorrhoid surgery that did it. Glad the stitches came out OK.”
Customer: “Never mind! Just send the pizzas, I have the money. How long will it take?”
Operator: “We’re running a little behind, sir. It’ll be about 45 minutes.If you’re really in a hurry you can pick 'em up yourself, but then carrying pizzas on a Harley can be a little awkward.”
Customer: “Wait! How do you know I have a motorcycle? Never mind. I wasn’t gonna take my bike, I was going to drop over in the Toyota.”
Operator: “Ain’t gonna happen. You’re two months behind in your car payments, and the Repo guy just picked it up. But since your Harley’s paid for, and you filled the tank yesterday I figured that’s the way you wanted to go.”
Customer: “Hey, whaddya mean my car was repo’d?”
Operator: “I’ve got the video replay right here. Wow, look at those guys yank that bumper! Gee, they’re good.”
Customer: "What the !@#$%^&*² ???
Operator: “Sir, I’d advise you to watch your language. You’ve already got a warning for jaywalking and a parking meter violation last September, and you know about the 3 Strikes and You’re Out Law. Wait a minute, I see here that you just got out from a 30-day stay in the State Correctional Facility for an overdue library book. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?”
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: “Will there be anything else, sir?”
Customer: “Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter bottle of Coke”.
Operator: "I’m sorry sir, but our policy prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics, and the 29th Amendment prohibits it. However, the childrens’ DNA databases look fine, but I gotta say Brad’s glucose tolerance test won’t stay that way for long if he keeps eating those jelly donuts at Krispy Kreme after school. And if may say so sir, if he wants to have a chance at taking Pam to the prom he’ll have to shed a few pounds.
Customer: “Look, we’re starving here. Can you just deliver the pizzas!”
Operator: “Of course, sir. Service is our business. We’ll just set it out on your new Home Expo granite kitchen counter, and in my opinion a much better choice than that bland Corian you sent back.”
Customer: “All right, I give up! I’ll just let the guy in when he arrives.”
Operator: “Oh, that won’t be necessary, sir, we have the keys. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!”
