It’s one thing to take two popular movie franchises, put them in the as-seen-on-TV “Ultimate Chopper” and puree them into 87 minutes of celluloid dreck, but it’s another to profess a love of one of them and utterly fuck that up in your movie. Maybe it’s because writers can never see when their own work is crap. But I saw in the credits that at least a hundred people worked on this movie. Couldn’t somebody, somewhere have said SOMETHING? Shouldn’t somebody who’s seen Aliens 120 times know a little bit about what he’s talking about? Ignoring the other three movies in the series, and just using *Aliens *as the model, how did he come up with:
Alien Queens the size of a two-story building.
Facehuggers that impregnate in 10 minutes.
Chestbursters that erupt in 10 more minutes.
Warrior aliens growing in another ten minutes.
Aliens that like to wrestle.
Alien acid that can cut through anything, except when it can’t.
Aliens that aren’t scary, creepy, or terrifying in any way.
And most importantly, a large cast of characters with no intelligent dialogue, emotional connection or memorable personalities that actually made you care about their survival and the fate of all of humanity.
“And found something never recorded once in over three hundred surveyed worlds…” Does this include Earth? Well, the movie was set in Antarctica. Maybe “The Thing” snuck in. After all, it exists only to imitate, and then explode in a gory mess when discovered.
And by the way, fuck everybody who can’t tell the movies apart. Way to blow the picture in the article, guys. And while we’re at it, *Alien *is the original. *Aliens *is “Alien 2.” There is no “Aliens 2” or “Aliens 3.”
Fuck all this. I’m gonna go watch *Aliens *again. It’s the only way to be sure.