Right; it’s pretty arbitrary, and really it just comes down to how a word is, or was, used.
It’s a common refrain among people that want to continue to use an offensive term that “Why is it offensive? It just means X”. Which of course misses the point (willfully or not).
Regarding “queer” I feel that word is in an odd place right now. Yes, it’s part of the acronym, and I have heard gay people refer to a set of other people as queer. But I haven’t heard anyone, gay or straight, refer to an individual as queer. And it’s still not an everyday enough word to show up in, say, HR training, whereas “gay” might.
This is England though, maybe it’s different in the US.
I have heard black teenagers using the “N” word as a friendly jibe to a fellow black teenager. It seems that in general, it’s okay for a person within a particular group to use words that would be objectionable if used by someone who is not in that group.
Fat people can call others fat with impunity. Irish people can tell Irish jokes (although not so much these days). I don’t understand Yiddish but I get the impression that Jewish people have a good line in insults that they would be less happy accepting from a Gentile.
Yes, absolutely. But “queer” as I say is kind of in a weird place. Since it’s part of the acronym LGBTQ(+IA), the implication is that it is a standard, safe, term. But I don’t think many people see it that way, and certainly it’s not part of my vocabulary.
Incidentally, the N word thing I think is more of an African American thing, and one I am personally uncomfortable with. I’m mixed race, and closer to my mother’s (black) side of the family, and nobody in my extended family has ever used that word, nor have I heard any friends use it.
I get it; it’s a friendly jibe as you say, plus there is a culture of “keeping it real” – you’re calling out how you feel society treats you, not pretending otherwise.
But, given the history, I wish the word would just die already.
I had a median dark Indian friend who always put Aryan on census forms. Historically correct, of course and mildly amusingf. But if a German described himself thus, you might wonder. I always put down human and never got any complaint.
I knew a Greek man who got married in Bloomington, IN (he was a professor at IU) and when he got married the registrar put the wife down as white, but him as other (white). Never quite understood. He was paler then me (of pure Ashkenazi descent).
I think a good self-test to use before using any word to describe someone in a particular group is to imagine being in that group and think if it’s a word you would use to describe yourself. That should work most of the time…unless you are a self-deprecating sort of person.
There are terms that were considered. (by most of society if not necessarily members of the group itself) a completely neutral description of an ethnic group, but are now considered problematic:
Neither do I. The local grocery has a points systerm and one of the things it asks for is gender and race. But they do have the option of “Prefer not to answer” so that’s what I use.