Well As far as I remember it all dates back to the days Chris Kringle was going to Sombertown to deliver to all the good boys and girls. He came across a lost Penguin named Topper.
Well Groovey old Chris had to evade the man who wasn’t down on the whole toy thing. So the renagde and his old lady took his gang consisting of elves, a washed up Warlock, and the Penguin to the North pole.
It seems the Man’s duristiction was world wide, except for the North Pole. That was one hell of a powerful Burgmeister!
Anyway long story short, The Peguin made it with some drunk Puffins on a wild weekend bender and ended up with a flock of “Penguin” children, all mildly brain damaged and foul tasting to their natural enemy the Polar bear!
True story.
I like penguins. They waddle. If I want them as part of my mythological Christmas story, dammit I will have them and who are you to question me!
Besides, maybe we all have it wrong about Santa, and he lives in the South Pole. This North Pole story is a ruse to keep us all off track when we go searching to destroy him and his evil empire of elves.
Several months ago I read that there were penguins in South America, Africa, and Australia. There were some as far north as the Galapagos. Now they’re at the North Pole?
Wake up, people! They’re everywhere!
Get a gun and lock your doors at night. Penguin Hell is about to break loose.
It’s all an unfortunate misunderstanding, alas. Careful scrutiny reveals that the birds in the company of Santa and his elves are not, in fact, penguins at all. They are instead the penguin’s late arctic counterpart, the Great Auk. Sadly the Great Auk has been extinct since the early 19th century, yet another victim of mankind’s ruthless exploitation of nature. The last mated pair of Great Auks ever seen were beaten to death by sailors intent on stealing their egg, which was by then a valuable collector’s item.
The Great Auk is now gone forever, joined with Nicholas of Myra in death; both immortalized in the strange tapestry of holiday mythology that combines human greed, generosity, and longing for material and spiritual fulfillment magically free from sacrifice or cost. Santa; his elves; the gentle Auks. When you see them, pause a moment to reflect on what the season means to you, and whether you have given more than you have taken during your brief time on Earth.
Why do you think they’re on opposite poles? This feud’s been going on for a long time. The great battle for the equatorial no-man’s land is coming, and it’s going to be brutal. Just imagine…like…the final battle in the Lord of the Rings, but with polar bears and penguins.
