Wow, I can’t believe I found this thread. I was just about to post the same rant under the clever title,
“In the Highschool Halls, In The Shopping Malls…Walk fast or be cast out!”
Heh heh heh.
I think the meanderers are the worst. They just sort of diffuse through the hallways, arriving at their destination through nothing less than Brownian motion. And why is it that whenever you try to pass them, they seem to cleverly move over and cut you off?
I’ll let you guys in on a secret. I’ve drawn up crude designs for some sort of Plexiglas “people wedge”. You hold it like a riot shield as you happily plow right through the meandering bastards.
I also think they should sharpen the subway doors so they are like a guillotine. You’ll wait for the next train or risk getting a butt check lopped off.
I especially hate the shit fucks who think the opportune time to fumble with their change or Metrocard is in the freakin turnstile. Geberally, repeated shots to the kidneys is the cure for what ails them.
Geberally?
I rode the Metro in DC for several years, and man, does this all ring true. I also have to chime in about the idiots who get off the escalator…and STOP. Two feet or less from the end of the escalator. I’ve seen people nearly get knocked over by the folks behind them trying to get off the escalator around these idiots.
And here’s a problem nobody else has mentioned: Why do men in this city feel obligated to be chivalrous and ALWAYS let the women off the escalator first, thus making us dance around and squeeze through them and dive for the doors before the close and experience that Three Stooges moment EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I get on an elevator in my building? And I have to take TWO elevators to get to my office! It’s an OFFICE BUILDING! I don’t want their damned chivalry! Just get off the damned elevator FIRST, okay???
Whew. I feel better now. 
It’s a perfectly cromulent word.
I don’t think I’ve missed this, but if I have, apologies in advance:
I’ve noticed a trend among skinny folks to stand towards the middle of escalators that are wide enough for two people, making it inconvenient to climb past them. I can’t figure out why. I just started noticing this. Is there some reason for this?
And World Eater, you sure that steak knife guy woke up? That would be quite a feat.
Skinny people generally skoot down/up the escalators! Perhaps the ones you saw were resting from a particularly exhausting shopping experience on the first floor. That, or they were feeling light-headed from the lack of food.
In general, healthy folks need to walk fast - I avoid malls at all costs, because I always find myself behind an able-bodied person walking 2 miles an hour. Pick the pace up, dammit.
They do! I was at college the other day, between classes, and I was stuck swerving behind these three meanderers who were chatting amiably, sauntering along, with a hallway of people behind them. And every time I moved one way or another, they’d sidle in that direction.
Oh, Trigonal, you refer to the Aisle Lice and Cattle Clot People.
Aisle Lice are people who are going the opposite way from you in grocery stores, run their carts down the middle of the aisle and always stop where you need to pass. You cannot,cannot, get rid of them. They will follow you all the way through your grocery list.
Cattle Clots are people who stop in a group and talk (or not) in front of escalators, aisle openings and doors. They group, they stare and chew their cud. Cattle are the single ones who stop mysteriously (and suddenly) and do nothing.
Thank you for this rant.
I also think that free Altoids dispensers on subways would make the world a much happier place.
:o
It’s an optical illusion.
Skinny people have space left so they are visibly standing in the middle. Fat people appear to have at least in contact to one side.
Or:
If you see noticeable space visible to both sides of the person, you automatically classify the person as skinny. So by definition person standing in middle = skinny person.
Yep Pantom, he turned out fine.
I bet that story will get him drinks for awhile.
World Eater, save your r&d, THIS company has done it for you, with much more interesting results.
FWIW, Chicago transit isn’t much better. It never fails, whenever I get on a metra train or an el, there’s either a nutjob, a crackhead, a naked guy, or a pair (or group) of chattering teenagers (usually female) behind me, making all manner of insane and/or meaningless conversation with themselves or an invisible target.
Not in NY, but I feel ya pain. Good thing I could walk to work if I had to.