Short version: if someone joins me at my table at a Starbucks without asking, is it reasonable for me to be annoyed given that, if the person had asked I would certainly have said “yes”?
And now the long. I was at Starbucks this morning, working on [del]employee progress reports and sales forecasts[/del] a heartbreaking short story of staggering genius about a tree and a sword and a green hill. I was sitting at a good-sized table–three feet by three feet, I’d estimate. I was occuppying about half the real estate. While I was there, two different persons sat down without asking.
The first person was a friend of mine. Let’s call him Rob. I’ve known Rob for maybe 10 years; he’s been to my house, I’ve been to his. We run into one another at this Starbucks all the time, and unless one of us is with someone else, we always hang out for a bit. And Rob’s sitting down wasn’t motiveless; he had a writing job he wanted to talk to me about but had lost his cell phone and thus my phone number. So after the usual small talk he brought up the job and asked if I wanted the work; I said yes; we agreed as to details of money & such, and that was that; and before he left he got me a refill on my coffee.
The second person’s name? I haven’t a clue. I’ve never seen her before. But I do know she was a student of some sort; she had drafting tools and a fair-sized pad and a couple of textbooks. She came over and, without a word, threw away the detritus of Rob’s coffee and cake, wiped the table clean, and took over the other half of the table.
Now I pride myself on playing well with others. I don’t mind sharing my table at coffeehouses, unless I’m waiting for a companion or the person wanting to share insists on kicking my shins or something. If the woman had asked me if she could use the other half of the table, I would certainly have said yes; and if I’d noticed her looking around for a table to work on, I would likely have said, “Hey, you can use the other side of this one, if you want.”
But still, it occurred to me that I should be at least mildly annoyed. I mean, was she raised by wolves? Why didn’t she ask?
Were there empty tables around? If so, she needed to go to one of them - you’ve staked out your territory on this one already. If the place was full, she still needed to ask before invading your personal space.
You can take my response with a grain of salt - I have a large personal space even for a nation full of people with large personal spaces.
Yes, that was a little rude. It would also have been rude to refuse if she’d asked - but of course, as you said, you wouldn’t have done that.
I can sort of see where this woman was coming from - if she’s a student, she’s probably used to eating in a cafeteria, where sharing tables (even crowded ones) would be the norm. Even in college, I usually tried to ask before sitting at a table at/near capacity, though.
The very largest table in this 'Bucks was available, and all but empty–that is, there was one person at it. It sits eight. People share that one all the time–and even then, they always ask first.
I was all set to say that I’d be annoyed, too. But this guy has been a friend of yours for ten years. Maybe I’m the one who’s got it wrong and I’ve been annoying my friends for years, but if I saw a friend sitting somewhere alone I’d certainly go join them. If they were with a girl or another friend it’d be different, but alone? I wouldn’t even think about it. :3
Edit: Foolishly only read the first half of your post. I got to the part about your friend sitting down with a girl and I assumed she was with him. Rereading it it’s obvious she was a stranger. Yeah, t’was rude.
If someone had the common courtesy to ask before sitting, I’d say no problem. If they just sat down without a word, I’d probably tell them I was expecting a friend and they needed to find someplace else to sit.
I would have asked to be polite but, back when I was living in NYC, people would do this all the time; it was sort of expected that, unless you specifically demarcated your space by putting your jacket on the chair, etc., someone could expect to come along and claim it. This goes double in any part of town with a significant population of college kids.
ETA: if a larger table was available, I change my opinion. IMHO, there’s this invisible social law about public spaces that requires her to take a free spot that is NOT right next to someone else, given the choice.
She may have assumed it was optimal and less wasteful to find an empty spot that just fit her needs rather than render another table less-sharable or cut out a slice of that common transient space at the 8-person table. However, it was rude to do anything at all to the table without asking.
However, console yourself by just thinking she wanted you badly!
Your friend sitting down isn’t weird at all- you were in a public space, and he had business with you. That’s perfectly reasonable. The stranger? That’s a little weird. Were you in a corner of the room? Possibly there was someone there she was avoiding. Or she wants your bones. Either way.
I don’t mind sharing tables with strangers. But I do want to be asked, first. For all she knew, you could have been expecting people, or you just needed your space. I’ve invited people to share my table at times, when the coffee shop is crowded, and I’ve asked to share a table before, when there were no empty tables. But it’s wrong to just clear off a spot and plop yourself down without asking.
I mentioned the Rob part partly because it was necessary to the “cleaning up” angle, and partly because, obviously, I didn’t object when he sat down. Though ordinarily he would have. Today I think he made an exception because he had an actual purpose for sitting down, and that purpose was to my benefit as much as his. I mean, he was throwing me work, after all.
“my table”? Sir, it is not your table. It belongs to Starbucks. She’ll sit where she damn well pleases. It’s clear that this isn’t one of those me-and-a-friend tables, but a rather large one that’s meant to accompany at least two groups of people.
Given that the table is meant for two or more groups of people, you only get to claim half of it. I wouldn’t ask to use the other half any sooner than I’d ask to use the table next to you or across from you. The fact that her part is attached to your part is irrelevant.
I would ask but if the place is crowded then I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world. As mentioned, she’s probably used to going to on campus places where you sit wherever and just pretend the person sitting next to you isn’t there, and let them enjoy their own personal-space bubble. Not asking is sorta saying “Don’t worry you don’t have to acknowledge me at all, just go about your business. And when I leave don’t feel the need to say ‘have a nice day’ or any other pleasantry”
Again, I would ask but I would write this off as someone operating under a different set of rules instead of just simple rudeness. It sounds like she was treating this like finding a seat on the bus, if it’s reasonably full then you can sit next to someone, you don’t have to go all the way to the back to take the one empty bench.
Maybe she was thinking that she wanted to leave the big table for a group of 2 or more?
for many of the reasons already expounded upon, it’s still rude to sit without even making a cursory, “i don’t expect to be denied” inquiry. who has title over the table is irrelevant.
I personally have a very lenient outlook when it comes to “manners” and society determining FOR me when something is considered inappropriate behavior.
I personally would not have been the slightest bit offended, but there are many variables:
Were you doing something that required concentration?
Did you dislike the person? (never saw her before so unlikely)
Etc…
I would be miffed if he/she started handling my buddy’s things (which is sounded like she did to an extent). Other than that, I personally wouldn’t have a problem with it. I think it’s entirely personal preference, though. Some people are agitated by things that I couldn’t care less about (and vice versa!).
