Yeah, we’re talking a boiling water enema with the tube shoved so far up their anus they could gargle their shit out. Some of them may be more deserving than others, but in the end they all need a bit of cleaning out:
Fred Phelps This guy pickets gay funerals with AIDS signs. 'nuff said. Pucker up, big boy.
The national sales manager at work How many times do I have to tell you I don’t work for you? You have a color printer, stop asking me to make packets for you which waste an hour and a half worth of printing time per packet. God damned, I deal with two complete staffs, I don’t need your shit too. Lemmie take you over my knee and insert the tube myself.
Afterthought in Illinois I don’t know who you are, but apparently you were so distraught over having your husband sign your cat’s name before yours on a thank you card, that you got into a huge argument with him, refused to talk to him for awhile, and then wrote Dear Abby for advice! Holy shit! Bend the fuck over lady, I’ll give you something to be distraught about.
Who’s next?
Bend over, bitch. We’re going to relive a moment in not-so-distant history. Remember a few weeks ago when you watched me, obviously pregnant, clutching my belly in pain and crying as I ran down the street (in the rain, no less) trying to catch the 70 lb. black lab that had run away? Screaming “Niko, please come back! Somebody please help me catch my dog!”? Well, I remember. Mostly becaue you were laughing. I caught your eye and you stopped giggling. You finally put your head down and went inside when another neighbor (one I’ve never met) came out and helped me and offered to take me to the hospital to get checked out (because my dog had jumped on me and bitten me when I tried to stop him from running into the street).
So spread 'em. I’m going to enjoy this.
I hope there’s time to fit in a whole bunch of them, because I’d like to give one to anyone who has ever asked me while I was in mid-asthma attack if I wanted a drink of water. Yes, I am coughing & wheezing because my bronchial tubes are filling up with thick, rubbery mucus & I am experiencing great difficulty in getting air into my lungs. I feel like I have a rhinoceros sitting on chest. I think a nice sip of Evian would clear that right up, don’t you? I hope you all die either by drowning or having your chest crushed so you know what it feels like. I am sorry that I am being loud & disrupting whatever vitally-important-to-national-security thing you were doing. Now bend over & spread those cheeks, cuz I want to use an extra-wide hose!!
** Those people that take the elevator from the second floor down to the first** When that door opens you’d better have a dolly with you or be 23 months pregnant. If the building was set ablaze would you know where the stairs were? Would you even realize we had stairs? Cripes! Here’s a tube, I’ll insert one end, you just slide on down to the first floor that way.
business that advertise through the fax machine Look I don’t even know if it’s illegal to be doing what you’re doing, but it’s sure as hell annoying. I have to wade through 50 useless faxes just to find one important one. For every one of you I tell to stop, three take your place because you sell your lists faster than I can call you up and remove myself. For you all I have my special electric enema chalk full of vitamin A and B in a handy dandy 50,000 volt burst.
loud talkers on the phone shut up! shut up! shut up! I can hear you right now. Shut up! We all hear you. We hear your wheezing laugh like a mad scientist on qualudes. Your voice is grating on me and you sit 20 feet away. For you I’ll reverse the enema, taking the tube and craming it down your throat until it gurgles out your anus.
What about people with sprained achillies’ tendons?
Let’s see…
The bitchy restaurant manager lady at a certain local restaurant: First you insist that I shouldn’t bother to replace the crumpled bumper on my Jeep because “it’s not worth it.” Then you tell me that my college sucks just because the NCSU traffic department gave you and your group of cheerleader-camp attendees $600 in parking violation tickets. Well, for starters, those spaces marked “handicap only - violation $100 fine” are not meant for your use just because you keep a baseball cap in your glove compartment. If you don’t quite understand what “violation” means, I’ve got an extra-large nozzle here that’ll show you.
Buffy, the Chemistry Lab partner: To use a cliche, your picture is next to the word “stupid” in the dictionary. You didn’t bother to read a single word of any of the lab sheets, leaving me to correct all the mistakes you made. You didn’t even try to use a little logic to answer the questions–you just reached up your ass and pulled out the most conveinent answer. Yet you got all pissy every time I would correct your mathematical errors. You ought to be thankful, you stupid ho–you passed that course because of me. Now, bend over so we can flush the rest of those stupid answers out of there.
The person or persons in charge of the FLOC union: You’re all just a bunch of assholes. What more do you deserve?
I wasn’t mad at anyone today, but Ender told me I should think about it and then I would come up with something. And boy was he right!
Hey, you! See me coming toward the mailroom with this big bin full of mail? Howabout instead of closing the door behind you and scuttling away, you waited that extra nanosecond and held it open for me? Because that would be swell. But you didn’t. I had to open it with my foot. So bend over!
I’ll try to do better tomorrow. I’m strangely un-bitchy today.
Since Stoidela hasn’t shown up yet, I’ll stand in for her and whip up a special for your (not mine) president elect, Dubya.
Ingredients: (I can’t help it, I’m a chef)
[li]Habanero puree (hi oldscratch!)[/li]
[li]Nettles[/li]
[li]Live bees (sorry bees)[/li]
[li]Fuming nitric acid[/li]
[li]Powdered alum (for retention)[/li]
[li]Macerated fiberglass[/li]
[li]Ground walnut shells[/li]
[li]Damp lye[/li]
[li]High pressure superheated air[/li]
Anyone who actually believed that Shrub was going to appoint moderate cabinet members can feel free to get in line as well. Clinton probably could use one too.
I’m glad you took over, I couldn’t do nearly as well.
He ain’t my prez, either.
And we should be happy about his behavior and his choices so far. He’s digging his grave… the farther right he goes, the more of a liar he shows himself to be and the more pissed off the public will be come votin’ time.
The entire staff at my local Jack In The Box restaurant. Eat shit and die you fucking losers. Me and my friends come to eat there because of the good food, not because we need you to babysit us. Your hairy lipped unwoman of a manager bitches at us every time we ask her for more than 2 free refills. Fuck you, Bitch! I could very easily cross the street and go to Burger King where I can drown in free refills if I damn well pleased. Your assistant manager who feels as if we do him and the restaurant a disservice by showing up. Eat flaming kangaroo shit on a jagged piece of glass, you anuslicking moneyfucker! We are paying you, to make us food. Me and my friends dish out about $30 at you everyday, which goes to your undeserved paycheck, yet you must ask us “not to cuss” Fuck you! And you insisted that we were such a nuisance that you installed a video camera in the dining area. I hope you see my bare ass when you review the tapes you shit. All the working staff. Kiss my hairy brown ass and act as a human bedae while you are down there you assholes. We pay a nice piece of your paycheck and leave you alone, yet you have to call my female friend a bitch, while you clean seats. You ask us to keep it down when no one else is in the restaurant. You have the balls to come out and tell me and my friend to leave, because there is suppossedly a “30 minute rule” (It was a long conversation). Fuck you all, you damn ingrates. BEND OVER AND SMOOCH IT, BABY this one is coming chop full of the 10 pounds of ice you pour in our drinks when we ask for none!
I agree with most of the rants on this board, and I understand how this might be a bit annoying in the middle of an asthma attack (I have asthma myself), but sometimes people just want to help and they don’t really know how. A drink of water doesn’t help, true, but at least they weren’t ignoring you or rolling their eyes and calling you a baby, both of which have happened to me.
Hehe that reminds me of when I lived on the second floor of my dorm. Over half the people on the second floor used the elevator to go down just one level. For good gosh’s sake I didn’t even use an elevator to carry my 60lbs fridge up 2 floors instead I freakin’ carried as to not inconvenience anyone. Now thatt I live on the fourth floor I’m that much more ticked about it. So I’ll help you with this one bend over baby cause here it comes!
Actually, Badtz Maru, all I want is for people to ignore me when I’m having an attack & not make me feel like I’m being some terrible inconvenience. I have an inhaler & I know how to use it, but it takes a few minutes for the coughing to stop. Just leave me the fuck alone. If I’m really having trouble, I’ll dial 911 myself. If you aren’t a medical professional, you can’t help me, so SHUT UP.
I feel freakish enough already because of my asthma, please just leave me alone.
Back to the topic at hand, though…I’d also like to nominate the field techs who never get back to me when I ask them about the status of a project. It’s my job to make sure these installations get done on time, and it’s your job to help me out. It will only take one minute to shoot me an email.
I think this enema will take longer than that, though.
Just keep in mind that some people have disabilities that you cannot see. I happen to, and have endured glares from people in elevators. Nuff said.
Oh, my enema candidate? The morons in my college class who posted about 100 frantic messages on the class bulletin board asking about the course materials. The instructor ALREADY answered the question, but you’re too goddamned idiotic to READ before you post. Bend over half-wit. You’re never going to make it through the course if you can’t read and follow the fucking directions!
My HR department.
Give me my money!! you’ve had a months notice to cut a cheque!! Useless swamp donkeys! Be penitent while i go old testament with the hose.
one of my roommates who, while we were all hanging out together, told his girlfriend that she was the sun eclipsing the moon, compared to me. Gee, thanks.
