Do you feel that most of the people you have come into contact with thus far in your life posses good social skills?
I think most people don’t. Sure many people are polite and considerate which I have no issues with. But I think people tend to be all consumed with their immediate family and what close circle of friends they have established over the years.
The thought of getting to know strangers other then superficially simply doesn’t appeal to the average person. Is that because they don’t feel confident in their ability to break down what ever real or imagined barriers that prevent them from developing said relationships? Or they don’t see any reason to expand their circle of friends?
Do they subscribe to the idea that you can only have so many close friends? I can certainly see the logic in that argument.
It just seems rare to meet someone who has the disposition of wanting to develop more then just superficial relationships with a lot of people.
I realize personalities run the gamete… shyness etc. Also many have been victimized with the result that they are dealing with trauma and may never get over the trauma.
There are countless factors, but it seems to me that people just have very little interest in the masses by and large.
Any thoughts?
Depends on a lot of things. When I was a kid, it was easy to make friends. Now that I’m an adult, it feels ‘harder’ to get that close connection- I’m much more busy and my life is changing and evolving every year. Because of this, I’m more attached to my current circle of friends and family.
When I try and make friends, I tend to unconsciously emit a hint of desperation “Please be my friend! I have nobody to talk to!”. Conversely, people who want to be my friend end up coming off clingy and offputting.
There is evidence that there is a congitive limit on the number of social relationships a human can maintain or even care slightly about.
No, really! Does this mean that people with 2,347 Facebook “friends” don’t actually have that many friends? Well, colour me gobsmacked.
Seriously, to the OP…most people I know have what I’d consider good social skills (with an outlier here and there), including me.
There’s a difference between having an easy, casual/situational conversation with someone at a party or on a plane and developing a close relationship. Just because one can glibly do the former, doesn’t mean they’re incapable of doing the latter.
In the I Ching commentaries, there is the concept of the Superior and Inferior man. They don’t exist as actual people, they both exist within each of us. The Superior man always does everything right, and thus is perfect. Yet he cannot exist as a Human because NO ONE would always know exactly what to say and do under ever conceivable circumstance. In the back of Wu Wei’s book on the I Ching, there is a multi-page list of what the superior man always is and does, and never is or does. Even Jesus couldn’t meet those criteria.
In short, we’re far too hard on each other when it comes to what we expect of others. We’re only Human, and we are not omniscient.
as i’ve gotten older, moved away from home, i realize that my world is indeed getting smaller.
i’m just too busy with work and hobbies to make the effort to make new friends. maybe i’ve gotten selfish in my old age but i’d rather be out and about by myself than have to worry about a friend enjoying the activity or keeping conversation alive.
If you have a successful career, family, and circle of friends, then you probably don’t have poor social skills. You can check off all the check boxes that social skills are supposed to help you acquire.
If a person’s circle of friends diminish or they lose their family and/or job, then a test of their social skills will be in the length of time it takes for them to reestablish these things. This will no doubt require delving deeper with strangers. But in the absence of such pressures, why should a person do this? It takes a lot of energy to maintain real friendships. They would be better off using that energy to preserve their pre-existing relationships rather than building new ones.
Did they steal the idea from Goofus and Gallant?
A truly close relationship requires a level of intimacy and vulnerability, like meaningful sex. People generally don’t want to have meaningful sex with virtually everyone (meaningful sex, mind you), and the same goes with meaningful personal relationships.
I think over the years I’ve learned to kindof pick up on subtle signs that someone is a person I’d want to be close to and trust. I am grateful I have those social skills. but I don’t want to use them on people who I think would hurt or betray me.
<Neither here nor there…>
The people I usually see with the most FB “friends” in most cases are mentally challenged people who send out requests to everybody whose name they even faintly recognize and of course everyone accepts them because who is going to say no to a mentally challenged person?
Having good social skills and having lots of friends are completely different things. I have few very close friends but I am not actively looking for any more.
However I have great social skills. I will strike up a conversation with anyone and generally find something funny or interesting to talk about, even if only while waiting in a queue. I used to manage bands and often met well known identities and soon learned they are no different to anyone else. Because I am interested in people I am sure that if I was trapped in an elevator with Obama and a homeless guy I could get on with both of them while waiting.
Obama and I may become golf buddies, or the homeless guy may move into the spare bedroom but that is potluck, delendent on lots of subsequent factors and interactions.
Still it will be a great way to start conversations in future, “I was in an elevator with Obama and this homeless guy when…”
It is true that it takes commitment, energy, and real effort to develop and keep good relationships.
I’ve had friends over the years that “fit like a glove” if you will, meaning we had pretty much the same views on a great many aspects of life, while I’ve had other friends who I was and am now close too who don’t share my views on many things. It’s those relationships which have proved to be the most challenging and in some ways just as rewarding.
Well true, and who am I to put value judgements on others based on the number or quality of their FB “friends.”
Except I do, but I do realise that people who have a hard time connecting IRL may very well nonetheless have a “healthy” online social network.
And that is completely valid and OK but I [judging] will hold someone in lower social - NOT personal - esteem, IRL, if they have bazillion FB friends but few or no IRL friends. [/judging]
Damn you! shakes fist You beat me to it.
Well, I’ll see your wiki and raise you a bit more humorous explanation.
I don’t think not baring my soul to scores of people demonstrates a lack of social skills, it demonstrates good judgment. I don’t need to be BFFs with everyone I meet; but that doesn’t mean I’ll avoid chatting with them a bit, either.
Yeah, seems like the OP is using some weird definition of “social skills” that I’ve never heard of.
Most people I come across seem pretty well socialized. Strangers hold doors open, ask any random person on the street for directions and they’ll give them to you. But yeah, no, we’re not capable of forming close friendships with everyone that there is. Nobody is, not you, not me, and we don’t try to. But even though we don’t care about everyone we come across the way we do our own brother, if you ask someone at the grocery store, “Hey, can you hold my place, while I put this jar of jelly back?” the answer is always yes. You ask someone, “Hey, can you take a photo of me and my fiance?” the answer is always yes. You’re looking for an address and can’t find it, people will whip out their cell phones and help you out. As much as I hate people, they’re good eggs for the most part and have pretty tolerable social skills. But no, they don’t have interest in the masses by and large. They can’t.