I’m a 37-year old gay man and I grew up in the Church of God (Pentecostal Denomination based in Cleveland, TN). When I was 15, I left the COG and became Southern Baptist. Around the age of six, I knew that there was something different about me and by the age of 10, I realized that I felt the same way about men that other boys felt about women…and I lived with overwhelming guilt and self-hatred because of the teachings of the church.
I sought out a therapist affiliated with Exodus International, which was an umbrella organization based in San Rafael, California. I was only 16, but I had to lie and say I was 18 to see that therapist without my parents’ consent or knowledge. I saw him weekly for one-on-one counseling sessions for about six months, and then he abruptly closed his office and moved to Mexico. Apparently, the gay Maya population was out of control and God needed him to go down there and put a stop to it!
At that point, I sought out an ‘ex-gay support group’ and began attending weekly group meetings. There were 20+ men at each meeting, but the turnover rate was very high- at least half of the men at each meeting would never return. Those who did return week after week were typically older married with kids and routinely ‘slipped’ or ‘had a fall’ and had sex with a man! The leader of the group was a married man in his early 40s and within a few months, he began making very inappropriate sexual comments to me. He became more and more aggressive until I finally realized that he was hitting on me, a naïve 17-year old (that he thought was 18). I confronted him about it and the following week he told me that I had made it all up and needed to find a new support group! I told him exactly what I thought of him in front of the group and stormed out. (Note- a few years later, his wife caught him in bed with a teenage boy and called the cops.)
My hope of finding a ministry that would actually help me was quickly fading. I tried one other support group but I was very uncomfortable there after just two meetings. For over a year after that, I didn’t seek out another therapist or support group. It wasn’t until I graduated high school in June 1993 that I began searching for another ex-gay group. The two I had tried in the past were both in the Atlanta area, roughly within 45 minutes of home. The next closest group was located three hours away, but I still gave a shot. The ministry leader was actually a very nice man and most of the group members were genuine in their desire to change. I attended their bi-weekly group meetings for the following three years, driving almost 400 miles round-trip every two weeks!
After almost two years, the group had grown to the point where the ministry director needed an assistant ministry director. I had just turned 20, but he asked me to take the position and I accepted. A few months later, I was ‘ordained’ by my Southern Baptist Church and became the Assistant Youth Pastor (a role I had been filling since I was 18 without the title). It was a tremendous amount of responsibility for anyone, but especially so for a very conflicted, struggling 20-year old!
Shortly after my 21st birthday, I forced myself to seriously and honestly evaluate my life because I was starting to buckle under the weight of it all. The most profound truth I had to accept was my sexual orientation- I was 100% homosexual and years or prayer and support groups had done NOTHING to change that. At that point, I was still a virgin, but I still felt like a hypocrite for feeling sexually attracted to men. I also felt like a fraud serving as a leader and spiritual advisor for the youth in my church. I also had a profound ‘crush’ on the Youth Pastor I worked with.
At the end of summer in 1996, I finally reached my breaking point. I resigned my position with the ex-gay ministry and resigned from the church. In the five years that I fought to change my sexual orientation, I never met a single person who had succeeded in doing so! In the years since I left the ministry, at least eight of my friends from various ministries have committed suicide! The suicide rate for men involved in reparative therapy is very disturbing, but impossible to prove. But I can relate to the hopelessness that could lead a person to commit suicide. The thought process is basically “I can’t change my sexual orientation, it’s a sin and God hates me, so I want to die”. Trust me, I felt that way many times between the ages of 18 and 21!
When I resigned my Asst. Youth Pastor position, I also quit going to church. I decided to see what life as a Sodomite was like and if it was as evil as I had been taught. Over the next two years, I tried to make up for lost time and I’m not proud of the way I lived my life. I was promiscuous, drank heavily, experimented with a few illegal drugs, but I still wasn’t happy. Shortly before my 24th birthday, I decided to stop the self-destructive behaviors (sex, alcohol & drugs) and learn how to respect myself and live my life in a way that I makes me proud and happy. I realized that I still felt shame and guilt for my ex-gay past just as much as I did for being a drunken man-whore! I had to find a way to forgive myself and move forward into a better life without all of that baggage. For the last 13 years, that exactly what I have done!
To recap, and provide direct, brief answers to your questions (rather than multi-page exposition)-
Program- All of the groups (or ‘ministries’ as they were usually called) were affiliates of Exodus International.
What was the program like- lots of discussion (bitching, griping, lots of self-pity) about resisting temptation, living a holy life and, my personal favorite, how homosexual desires are our “cross to bear” (thanks to the Apostle Paul for that one).
Actually, many within the ex-gay movement have great reverence for the Apostle Paul. A widely held belief is that his ‘cross to bear’ actually was same-sex attraction!
The group meetings were pretty much just discussion about what’s going on in our lives and how to deal with daily life. A few of the guys were sincere and we genuinely cared about one another, almost like brothers. But the majority were bitter and complained about everything rather than trying to improve their situation.
Exodus Int’l held and annual convention and hundreds of people from all over the country attended. I only went to the one in 1995 held in San Diego. It lasted for five days with seminars, support groups and various activities scheduled from 9am to 9pm every day. I found some of the classes scheduled to be rather disturbing and with the potential to do much more damage than good. Two in particular are burned into my memory- For the men- learning how to play softball; and for the (ex)-lesbians- learning how to choose the most flattering kinds and colors of makeup and how to properly apply it! I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried!
The reality and absurdity of these activities were apparent in hindsight…but watching them while in progress was quite amusing and it was very difficult to keep myself from laughing the entire time! Some of those poor guys couldn’t hit a ball if their lives depended on it. I saw one frail little man almost knock himself out with his own bat! Another one somehow let go of his bat mid-swing and took out 1st base coach. And instead of catching the ball, most of outfielders covered their heads and ran out of harms way instead. Imagine Nathan Lane’s character from The Birdcage playing softball and you’ll get the idea. =)
I grew up with a sister who played softball on a traveling team, so I practiced with her and my parents from an early age. I’m a good left fielder and I could hit the ball better than anyone else there, but I demanded a ‘pinch runner’ because I didn’t bring any running shoes to the conference with me! My knowledge of the game and ability to actually hit and catch the ball worked against me, though. I ended up coaching two groups per day for the remaining four days of the conference! Never mind that they had a few world-class players far more suited to coach and teach- but they were stuck in some room applying makeup with a spackle knife….
The makeup seminar turned out more tragic than amusing. A few of the more ‘burly’ women were obviously VERY uncomfortable wearing makeup and it looked ridiculous on them. I overheard one woman who walked out and refused to participate because her mother had forced her to do the same thing when she was young and her father would beat her if she refused to put on makeup and wear a dress…now she rides a Harley, wears a tool belt and operates heavy equipment (excavators and backhoes) for a living! There was a much greater potential to cause more psychological damage than do any good. But some idiot thought that cheap, drug-store brand makeup was the missing ingredient that would make lesbians suddenly want some man candy!
Effectiveness of the program-
In the five years that I was involved in ex-gay ministries, my sexual orientation and attraction to other men only grew stronger! It struggled with feeling of self-hatred, depression, and severe guilt constantly. I also began having panic attacks when I was 19 and the depression/anxiety and meds I used trying to control it changed my brain chemistry permanently! I still struggle with anxiety and depression 13 years later and probably always will.
But my experience was very effective in an unexpected way- It proved that I couldn’t change my sexual orientation, no matter how much I tried, prayed, begged or played softball! When I left the ministry and the church, I did so with the knowledge that I tried so hard to ‘pray out the gay’ and I fought temptation, as well as serving the church at every opportunity. So I walked away confident in the knowledge that I can’t change the fact that I’m gay. I almost went insane and often wished I was dead for years trying to change and I ended up just as gay as when I started! It allowed me to move on with my life without guilt and opened the door to learn how to love and embrace who I am.
In closing, I am vehemently opposed to ‘reparative therapy’ and the ‘ex-gay movement’ in all forms (whether religion-based or secular)! It does NOT work because sexual orientation is hard-wired into the brain and attempting to change will only have harmful or negative results!