My wife has called me Papi for longer than I can remember, and I really have no problem with it. I can’t remember the last time she called me by my actual name, which is also fine. However, she has always referred to me by my name when speaking about me to others…until recently.
Within the last month or so, my wife has gotten into the disturbing habit of referring to me as ‘Papi’ when speaking to friends and family. I become very uncomfortable when she says to a friend, for example, “I had to pick up Papi’s car from the dealer yesterday.”
I want to get her to stop without either upsetting her or pissing her off…no mean feat.
Has anyone here experienced something similar, and how did you deal with it? My wife is ethnically and culturally Hispanic, if that makes a difference.
In the scheme of life’s issues, this is an admittedly infinitesimally tiny one, but it bothers/embarrasses me. On the other hand, I don’t want to make a mountain out of a mole hill as her pet name for me is an endearment I’ve grown to take comfort in…just not when she uses it to refer to me when speaking with my mom, for example.
I personally think a person ought to have the right to be called whatever they want, and referred to by whatever name they think appropriate.
By the same token, if “Papi” doesn’t bother you… but it DOES bother you when she REFERS to you to OTHERS by that term… well, your feelings are at stake, here.
What would likely occur if you were to tell her that?
Frame it as, “I like Papai to be our private nickname”. That will be much easier to take than to tell her you hate when she uses it in front of others.
Nothing positive, I imagine. We have had discussions on similar topics in the past and she has made it abundantly clear that she has no patience for weepy, emotional men. Although she is very independent and opinionated, she was raised to expect distinct gender roles; men don’t complain about problems, they solve them.
She and I were not raised in the same culture, so issues like this tend to confound me a little. There is a fine line between being too assertive and too submissive and the sweet spot is not always clear to me so, in the end, I tend to just avoid addressing the issue altogether.
ETA: I am also interested in seeing a perspective from women.
Hehe I thought this was going to be a thread about having to call your dog when you’ve given him a weird name (my dogs ran away last night, after a rabbit, so I found myself standing in the street at 9 PM yelling their names)
1.) Why is it disturbing/making you uncomfortable? Assess if this is a you problem or a her problem. Do you just want private stuff to be private? Do you feel like this is emasculating you in some way? Figure this out, but be honest.
2.) After figuring that out, if you still feel it needs to stop, go “Hey, not a fan of when you do this, because <what I figured out>.” Then take it from there. Maybe she’s got reasons for doing it that are better than your reasons for not liking it. Maybe she doesn’t. Work it out as a team.
Option B:
1.) Go “Hey, I’m not real thumbs-up on the whole pet-names in public thing. You dig?” Then just assume it’s going to take care of itself.
*For what it’s worth, my mother-in-law refers to me as “Pookie!” in front of everyone, and I think it’s funny as shit.
Yeah pretty much. If she wants you so much to be a macho man, then go ahead and be one. Me, I tend to think respect is calling people what they want to be called.
My SO has a pet name for me, too, but I don’t like him calling me it in front of other people so he almost never does (he does slip up because he so rarely uses my real name.
Me, I don’t have a pet name for anybody. None of you are good enough.
Yeah, but “Pookie” is just a pet name that doesn’t really mean anything. “Papi”, in Spanish, literally means “father” but carries a more familair connotaion - like “daddy”.
I don’t think I’d want my wife referring to me as “Daddy” in public, it’s kinda creepy.
My GF is from a big hispanic family, and they toss that word around with wild abandon. It confused me at first until I realized it is sort of automatic for them, and doesn’t really mean anything at all. Hell, her mother calls her papi (or something that sounds similar to my gringo ears).
So my advice is, forget about it. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Celebrate diversity and all that crap.
I hear Papi both as a direct reference and when speaking of others as well. It’s no more egregious than saying, “II was telling Hubby to take out the trash”. In my culture, our parents refer to us as Mommy and Daddy (Italian) regardless of our gender. Get over it…one day you may wish you could hear call you Papi in public or private. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If she called you an insulting,name, like ‘jerk’ or ‘stupid’, that’s a different matter entirely.
This is the best way to handle it. Maybe go so far as saying you don’t want anybody else to call you papi except her, and if she throws it around in public it might catch on.
I am reminded of an episode of Cops where the tough New Jersey cop is busting a crackhead and the crackhead keeps calling the cop “Papi”, which pisses the cop off to no end.
Cop: “What are you doing in here?”
Crackhead: “Nothing Papi”
Cop: “DON’T CALL ME PAPI!”
Crackhead: “Ok Papi”
I’m with the “let it go” camp. Not to discount your feelings, but it does sound more like *your *problem than hers. Anyone who has spent any time around Hispanics or say, watched TV or seen a movie, is familiar with papi and probably doesn’t even take notice anyway.
I would get used to it. But I am not you. If it bothers you that much, do the macho thing & insist on her calling you by your name in public. Good luck with that, I am not sure she can change, since it is a cultural thing. Culture is taught to us even before our first feeding. It is very hard to overcome.
