You could also have
Jock Strap
Ivor Biggun
Paul Skinback
Betty Humpter
and Wayne Kerr
Me and my friends (usually me) used to phone up random pretending to be cable technicians people and ask if they had Cable television. If they did we would ask them to check certain channels for us. A typical conversation would go like this:
Unsuspecting Victim: Hello?
Me: Hello sir, my name’s Gary and I work for (random cable company) we’ve been experiencing some technical difficulites in your area and would like to ask your co-operation in dealing with it.
Unsuspecting Victim: Why me, what could I do?
Me: All we need you to do is check a couple of cable channels for us and tell us if the transmission’s ok, that will give us some idea of how widespread the problem is.
UV: Oh, uh, well, ok then.
Me: That’s great, thank you very much sir. Now could you please check channel 12 and then tell me how clear the picture is.
UV: Ok
- (brief wait while he goes checks) *
UV: Channel 12’s fine.
Me: Goooood, now could you check channels 17, 21 and 37
UV: Ok
UV: Nope, they’re all fine.
Me: Hmm, ok, that’s good. Could you also check…
and so it goes on, more than once we were able to get people to check all of their channels for us, each time reporting back that there was no interference. Then we would end with something like
UV * (VERY exasperated) * : Channels 25, 27, 44, 59, and 14 are all fine.
Me: Well, that’s all of them, and you say they’re ALL fine?
UV: YES!!!
Me: Well, that’s strange. I’ve got some starcharts here and Nostradamus clearly prophesised that there would be some interference round your area on this day exactly.
UV (the penny drops): Whaaaat?!?!?
Me: Nostradamus sir. Italian? 15th century prophet? He prophesised that your TV would, and I quote “Go fuck itself” on this date. It’s all written in the stars sir.
UV: Is this some sort of fucking JOKE!!!
Me: Well actually sir…yes, the problem isn’t really Nostradamus, I just made that up. The real problem is the enormous fat guy in space hovering over your house and blocking the signals. We’re trying to tempt him down with a few hotdogs and a sixpack of Bud but he just won’t budge.
UV: You little fucker!! I’ll beat the shit out of you!!!
Me: Sir, if you’re going to get abusive, I’m just going to have to go. Thankyou for your time…YOU FRIGGIN’ DUMBASS BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[ii] Click…brrrrrrr. *
Feel free to use the above script if ever you feel like a good laugh. That was our favourite, we had loads more but I’ll save them for later.