Pilot Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q. How do you know if a pilot is at your party?

A. He’ll tell you.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?” The tower responded, “Who is calling?” The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?” The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is a United Airlines Flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force flight, it is 1500. If it is a Navy flight, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army flight, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps flight, it is Thursday afternoon.

2

John Lennon once said, twenty-odd years after WWII, “It’s great to fly Lufthansa to London; all the pilots know the way.”

3

You can always tell a pilot. You just can’t tell him much!

4

Not exactly a joke persay…but I always have gotten a kick out of it. When my brother was first doing his carrier quals, a group of F-18A’s were doing their night quals. So anyways, this f-18 hits the deck and the pilot freaks, thinking that he missed the trap. So of course he goes to full throttle and flips on the burners in order to make it off the deck again. So he is sitting there a bit, the plane stuck and no one able to get near it cause of course the arrester is engaged and he’s still freaked. So the airboss gets on the horn and tells him ‘Son, no matter how hard you try, you ain’t gonna move this here boat.’

5

Friend of mine flew down to Australia from the UK.

When it came to the landing a vicious crosswind caused the aircraft to slew just at touchdown, when the wheels gripped tarmac and forcibly pulled it staight there was much screeching of rubber and women.

The pilot then laconically announced,

“Sorry about the landing folks - the stewardess has been itching to have a go at that for years”

6

As the novice pilot approaches the airfield the tower says “please state your height and poistion” so the pilot says “I’m 5 ft 8 and sitting up the front”

7

A not-so-bright cockpit crew was on approach to a large international airport. The pilot says, “Have you ever seen a runway so short?”

The co-pilot replies, “No sir. I think we’d better deploy full flaps, and go with full reverse-thrust and full brakes on landing.”

The pilot agrees and screeches to a halt on the runway. He looks at the co-pilot and says, “Have you ever seen a runway so short?”

The co-pilot replies, “No sir. But have you ever seen one so wide?”

8

At this site, we have:

My personal favourite was **“Gazpacho soup.” ** :smiley:

9

There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots.

10

  1. Do not take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.

  2. Never leave the ground if the motor is dripping.

  3. Do not make any sharp turns while on the ground.

  4. Sharp turns will be made by lifting the tail.

  5. No machine will taxi faster than a man can walk.

  6. Never run motor so as to blow on other machines.

  7. Never get out of a machine with the motor on until the pilot taking over can reach the controls.

  8. Pilots should carry kerchiefs in a place so as to clean his goggles.

  9. Riding on the step, wing, or rails of the machine is prohibited.

  10. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with the controls and instruments.

  11. Pilots shall not wear spurs when flying. No two cadets shall ride together in the same machine.

  12. In case the motor stops when taking to the air, the pilot should land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.

  13. On taking to the air, one should look at the ground and the air.

  14. You must not take-off or land closer than 50 feet to the hangar.

  15. Hedge-hopping shall not be tolerated.

  16. No spins on back or tail slides will be indulged in as it puts unnecessary strain on the machine.

  17. Do not trust altitude gages.

  18. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.

  19. Learn to gauge altitude, especially when landing.

  20. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, do not make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash.

  21. If an emergency occurs while in the air, LAND as soon as possible.

  22. Before you begin a landing glide, look to see that no machines are below you.

  23. Motors have been known to stop while on a long glide. If the pilot wishes to use the motor to land, he should open the throttle.

  24. Do not attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bouncing or ricocheting.

  25. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in motorcycles or automobiles.