Back in August I get a call from a UE telemarketer trying to sell me their Comfort Protection Plan, which I take to be a form of insurance against furnace/air conditioner repair (I rent my water heater from UE. I own my furnace and A/C). At the cost of $16 a month I politely say I’m not interested. The telemarketer asks if they can send a brochure for my consideration. Sure, whatever, send it. G’bye.
I don’t specifically recall receiving the brochure - I’m sure I did, I just don’t remember it.
Anyhoo, a couple of days ago I receive my bill for this quarter. It was for $157.00 - about $100 more than usual. You’ve already guessed it - the extra is the accumulated premiums for my enrollment in the Comfort Protection Plan.
I’ll be damned if I’m going to just pay this thing (although I came close). I called UE.
Me: WTF? I didn’t sign up for this Plan. I’m not payin’
UE1: <Hard sell sales pitch.>
Me: Yeah, nice and all, but I don’t want it!
UE1: Fine, pay this, cancel, and you won’t be charged further.
Me: But I didn’t sign up for it. I do not intend to pay!
UE1: Um, didn’t you get our brochure? It says right on it if you don’t reply, that means you want it. Gotcha!
Me: Urlumph garbuyt! No! That’s not fair! I will not pay!
UE1: Hold please.
UE2: What seems to be the problem?
Me: ditto and ibid
UE2: Oh, no problem. Just pay the usual $60. All is well. Have a nice day.
I glean from the foregoing that this “assumed enrollment scheme” has built into it the following hoped for profits:
[ul]
[li] Enough people would simply have paid their bill without questioning, UE getting the benefit of a sale they didn’t earn[/li][li] Enough people who called to complain may have been pursuaded by the sales pitch - UE getting the benefit of a pre-sale they hadn’t yet earned.[/li][li] Enough people would call, complain, say “shove it” to the sales pitch, but pay the back premiums[/li][li] Only a few people will follow through to the second tier call centre and have all charges reversed[/li][li] Even if you allow the “fairness” of the above: during the time those of us were “enrolled” in the Plan, any who actually had problems with our furnace or A/C would have paid for repairs thereto, unawares we could file a claim!!![/li][/ul]
How can what I thought was a reputable company get away with this bullshit? No, strike that - I guess if it’s legal it’s fair game, right? :rolleyes:
But it’s also legal to pit the SOBs so here we go:
To the execs who approved this scheme:
May someone in your employ inadvertantly apply too much Amour-All to your overstuffed, overpriced executive chair, causing your fat ass to slide out of it, simultaneously 1) causing your face to approach the boardroom table on which you are counting your money, 2) causing you to gasp and thus inhale of of these ill-gotten $100 bills - said bill lodging in your esophagus, not killing you, but causing the scratch of irony to irritate your throat for months!
To the marketing genius who dreamed up this scheme:
May your children grow up and bilk you in your old age out of your savings because of some technicality in your will you neglected to account for, leaving you penniless in a home for the chronically machiavellian.
To UE1 and UE2, the phone jockeys I spoke to:
May an army of monster truck robots fail to hear your screams as they demolish the 1982 Ford Topaz you undoubtedly have parked in your driveways, then proceed to tear up your excuse of a front lawn, finally parking in your back yard to rust defiantly.
To the mailroom clerk of UE:
May you be blessed with the blessings of a thousand sunrises for delivering the letter of complaint I am mailing today - so the bastards will know it was I who unleased these fearsome curses upon their heads.