My brother-in-law decided we need to start a new Thanksgiving tradition this year. Instead of all of us gathering at his parent’s house, the 3 sons and their families should take turns hosting Thanksgiving, starting with him so he can show off his new meat smoker.
I think this is a great idea for when my mother-in-law gets too old and feeble to do everything herself. It would be a great idea now, if she didn’t absolutely love doing it. It took us years to convince her to let myself and the other daughter’s-in-law help out by bringing food.
Since everybody has other obligations on Christmas, it’s the one time that we all still get together. It’s the ONLY time she see’s one of her grandsons. Everbody lives within 30 miles of eachother.
Did I mention that she LOVES doing Thanksgiving dinner? Even her husband loves helping out. They plan for it weeks in advance. She’s starting to forget some of her recipes, (she never wrote them down). So sometimes, you have to sneak around and add some sage to the dressing, but still…
The last time she went to his house, he told her that her wheelchair was in the way and leaving tracks on the carpet. :mad: So she doesn’t exactly feel welcome in his house.
He said that he and his family are staying home Thanksgiving whether the rest of us come or not. The other brother and his wife will probably go because they’re all buddies. So it will just be us (me, hubby and kid), and my husband’s parents. My mother-in-law will spend half the day bitching about it all, and the other half crying. My father-in-law will be real quiet and try to stay out of her way. My son will be asking every 10 mins. “where’s everybody at?” He’s autistic and doesn’t like change. My husband will turn the volume up on the tv and drown it all out. And it’ll be my job to listen to the bitching and crying. Oh, and I’ll probably have to wash the dishes by myself.
Ah, BILs and the people who hate them. I look forward every year to going to my sister’s house so I can listen to her spouse talk about ‘the niggers’ in front of his grandchildren. I think this year, with my nerves raw from the election, any comments in this vein from this ‘family values’ moron will probably at long last elicit the response they deserve. Too bad, really, because I like getting together as a family and this will end that tradition.
I see your point - my mother, like yours, really likes to have everyone together for holidays - but in reality every family deserves to have a chance to celebrate holidays the way they want. It kinda sucks to never be able to do a holiday YOUR way, if you know what I mean.
I lived far away from my family for most of my 20s, moving back when I was 32. By the time I came back, my husband and I had created our own holiday traditions. Sure, it was great to share some of them with my family, but sometimes you have to say “no”, too. After a big fookin’ blowup last year because my mother did all sorts of weird manipulations to try to get everyone in the same house for Christmas, ending up with several sets of hurt feelings and misunderstandings, this year I told her “Mr. Athena and I are having Christmas dinner at our house. You’re invited, and anyone else who wants to come is invited, but I’m not going to play Christmas calculus again if so-and-so decides they want to do X and it doesn’t fit with our plans.”
Yeah, it breaks with my family’s traditions. Yeah, some people are going to be miffed. But fuck it, there’s just no way to make everyone happy over the holidays, so I’m just going to concentrate on making me and my immediate family happy while trying not to step on too many other people’s feet.
While I can understand, on the one hand, wanting to change how you participate in Thanksgiving, what your bil did was completely wrong. There was (at the very least) a smoother way to go about the situation. However, we’re not talking about Mr. Roger’s telling the mailman guy that he can’t deliver the mail anymore, we’re talking about a man who told his own mother that her wheel chair was messing up his carpet. My dad loves his carpet, but he loves his daughter more and when I’m in a chair, he goes with it. Your mil, being able to make a tasty meal, from memory and in a chair is just fabulous and she deserves mad, mad props (sorry, I haven’t been awake long and my vocabulary isn’t up to its usual standards). Unless there’s something else going on, like immense friction just being together, fights, general unhappiness, people trying to “secretly” get each other drunk, old men grabbing bums they shouldn’t, crying … umm am I projecting?
It could be worse though, one year my grandmother, after all the planning decided she was tired of hosting Thanksgiving the week before it occurred, while my mom was in the hospital for major surgery. My dad has an intense deal about family and Thanksgiving, so he somehow managed with everything else going on to have the meal catered at the last minute. Fortunately, a good time was had by all (in the end, but man did some people hold a bit of a grudge for years).
During my first marriage, every holiday took place at one of two places: husband’s mom’s house, or his aunt’s house. When we got a place of our own, and started our own family, we started entertaining the idea of having a holiday at our place.
His aunt always had Thanksgiving. We very gently broached the idea of us hosting Thanksgiving - and she graciously said that we could. Graciously, as in, “Oh why certainly!” to our faces, and “Those horrible, selfish scumbags!” behind our backs. Eventually it was made very indirectly (very manipulatively) clear to us that us hosting Thanksgiving would be a fatal blow to the family harmony. So I threw my hands in the air and gave in.
For 14 years, this woman had hosted Thanksgiving, and the one year I asked to do it (the only holiday I could conceivably have hosted that year) it was as if I had asked her to burn the family heirlooms. I’m sorry, tradition can kiss my ass - I have a family, too, and I don’t see a reason why any other person’s desires should come before mine.
My point is, yes, she loved doing Thanksgiving, but I would have loved it too. Thankfully, I’m divorced from that family now, but now the ex and his fiance do the annual shlep to the aunt’s house, as they will every year until she can no longer do it.
That sucks. It especially sucks about the wheelchair tracks. That man has a heart of stone.
Our family has been pretty non-controversial when it comes to holidays.
Usually it is held at my auntie’s house. Was always held there, ever since before I was born. She and my other auntie really do Christmas up right—wonderful decorations, food, a great time all around. I love Christmas at the auntie’s house. It was even greater fun when my dad (aunties’ brother) was alive, but it’s still great.
Then one of my sisters got married, and she announced that she and her husband would start their “own Christimas tradition” and they wouldn’t be coming to auntie’s house. We all in unison said, “That’s fine. That’s what you should do, then.” (None of us were crazy about it, but hey—if that’s what she and her husband wanted, who were we to stop them?) If my memory is correct it seems like their “own Christmas tradition” lasted perhaps one year. I think they discovered how un-fun it was to sit by themselves in their own apartment and try to celebrate.
For a while after that my sister and her husband would alternate Christmas—one year with his folks, then one year with us. We’d have a “second Christmas” the Saturday or Sunday after Christmas. It worked out really well.
Now that they have two gift-hungry kids, they love having Christmas at the auntie’s house. It’s much happier than at the husband’s family’s house (my sister’s MIL is slightly whacked and difficult to deal with).
Of course, several of us in the family mucked up the works by moving out of state, so their Christmases are less populated now. But they’re still fun.
Can I propose a simple suggestion which your family will probably completely overlook? Have your brother-in-law bring his smoker to your mother’s house. No, I’m not completely crazy.
Usually, Thanksgiving is at my mother’s place. My brother comes down for a visit with his family, and a good time is had by all. Last year, we celebrated Thanksgiving at my cousin’s place in New Jersey. This was one of her first Thanksgivings in America (she’d moved from London to New Jersey) and she wanted her family around her. Dinner was wonderful and the turkey was deep fried and tasty! This year, Thanksgiving is back at Mum’s and my cousin and her husband will be joining us, as well as my brother and his family. Yesterday, I learned that the guys will be cooking the turkey. Yep, my cousin is bringing the turkey fryer. This frees up more room in the oven, lets the guys have some fun and, if last year is any example, may even entertain the neighbors.
Maybe something similar can be arranged with your brother-in-law and his smoker? Of course, that assumes all parties involved are willing to be reasonable and try something new. If your mother is reluctant to give up roasting a turkey, I suppose you could try having two, one roasted, one smoked, if that wouldn’t provoke a competition. :shrug: It’s worth a shot.
I’m going to stay away from the whole wheelchair track issue, that’s a whole mess of its own.
WRT hosting Thanksgiving, I think MIL needs to be less of a control freak about the whole thing. It’s nice to host a big party like that, and her sons’ families should get that chance, ESPECIALLY when mom is in good health, rather than hosting only when she gets feeble or worse…
In America, this is sort of the last bit of growing up that a person does. You’ve already flown the coop, gotten married, had children, the whole bit, but now your family is mature and established enough to host Thanksgiving. I can’t wait until my own family is able to host one. If mom’s plan is to never go to anyone else’s Thanksgiving, that’s just selfish.
My mom always did a great spread for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but now she splits time with my sisters, and was always willing to do the holiday at a relatives house if they wanted to host a big party that year.
Maybe BIL didn’t handle the situation well, but MIL could just as easily have gone along with the idea and you could all be together on Thanksgiving.
I’m of the feeling that this is right at the heart of the mess.
First of all, I can’t believe that an alleged human being would say this to his own mother.
And the idea that maybe the holiday festivities should circulate from one relative’s place to another over the years is an excellent one, as long as it’s nobody’s power play.
In this case, it unquestionably is. The very person who can’t deal with his mother’s wheelchair tracks on his nice clean carpet is the one who suddenly has a new plan for Thanksgiving. Sure, rotating it among him and his siblings has potential. But if he can’t handle Mom’s wheelchair, then maybe his turn to host should wait until Mom’s passed on, and her wheelchair isn’t an issue anymore.
Because Mom is gonna feel real welcome, right?
Maybe I’m still smarting from the year when my stepsister hosted Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife and I weren’t invited. That does tend to alter one’s perspective.
It’s obvious you despise your BIL as you are attributing his offer of being Thanksgiving host as a base and selfish desire to show off his meat smoker. I think there’s a lot more past history between MIL and BIL and the other MIL kids than you have access to, and given that most Thanksgivings are mainly female arranged and produced affairs, I suspect that “meat smoker” BIL’s wife, and the other BIL wives are also a major players in this production re the decision to cycle hosting duties.
Asking or wanting to host Thanksgiving is generally an entirely normal thing for adult families to do. For one person to demand (passive aggressively or otherwise) to be the default host in perpetuity is somewhat selfish. If MIL is losing it a bit, and has to get around in a wheel chair, it’s not unexpected that the kids might think about hosting. It would almost be expected in normal circumstances.
Should the other families be denied the pleasure of opening up their homes for the relatives until MIL goes to the nursing home? It sounds like there are lot of control issues in this family, and that MIL is used to being the queen bee.
I’ve always had family scattered around the country, so we didn’t all pack up and head to Grandma’s for Thanksgiving or anything like that. Actually, it’s usually something different every year – last year I was on my own for the day and pigged out on Indian food. This year I’m going with my boyfriend to an orphan Thanksgiving held by a friend of his. Other years my family has gone out to eat; I don’t think my mom has cooked a full Thanksgiving in several years. Fine by me.
I think rotating or otherwise changing up holidays is a good idea, even if your family is in the same area. I mean, if you’ve always gone to your aunt’s for Thanksgiving, what on Earth are you going to do when she can’t do it anymore? I think that would be more traumatic than doing something different each time, and anybody who wants to can get the fun of hosting. This works for Christmas as well. It’s at least slightly different every year, and it’s more fun for me that way anyway.
I’m not getting near the wheelchair tracks comment.
Maybe my opinion is skewed by my own experience, but if you show me a couple who has “always gone to his Aunt Abbie’s for Thanksgiving”, I will show you a couple in which the wife never gets to spend Thanksgiving with HER family, enjoying HER family’s traditions.
I’ve nothing to add in direct response to the OP, its just that it seems to be like everyone is worried about one grandparent’s children getting a chance to host the meal, and nobody seems to consider that whoever is married to that grandparent’s child ALSO has parents and siblings and traditions, and why shouldn’t those also be honored?
I guess I should’ve titled the thread “Pitting my BIL for ruining My Thanksgiving.”
My family gathered for Thanksgiving when I was very young, then my family kind of fell apart. It wasn’t until I met my husband that I got to experience a traditional Thanksgiving again. I have no desire to host Thanksgiving, (can’t afford it, and have a tiny house), but I don’t mind if someone else does it. Except for the fact that both SIL’s have annoying relatives that will attend if either of them have it.
The thing that bothers me, is the way he went about “announcing” that it would be at his house, whether we liked it or not, and the short notice.
IMHO, this man needs a good :smack: ! And now he wants to *host * Thanksgiving? He needs to look up the definition of “host.” It entails a little more than showing off your neat new meat smoker.
You want me to hold him or smack him, hillbilly queen?
This is the heart of this mess. If indeed he objected to her wheelchair tracks, that is. If he really said this, and he really meant it, and if mom knows that her wheelchair is a problem for him, then he’s an asshole and a poor host and he has indeed screwed up Thanksgiving for everyone—by being an asshole.
Wanting to host a family celebration from time to time is perfectly normal, IMO.
Telling someone that their wheel chair ruins the carpet and is in the way, is not. Something else is going on here. Did MIL hear BIL say this? Did MIL respond? Did anyone in the family respond?
It’s not your job to listen to any bitching or crying. That will ruin your Thanksgiving. Busy yourself with your autistic son, or the dishes, and get your husband to listen to the bitching and crying, instead of watching TV. It’s his mother, isn’t it? Can’t he talk with her, instead of drowning “it all out” with the TV?
I think you could have a lovely intimate Thanksgiving, if every approached this differently. Getting them to, is the trick
