Placement test (essay) gems Vol. V

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
#1

Just a short list for now; I will have more within the next few months. For those who have not seen these before: these are sentences, or portions of them, culled from placement test essays or proficiency exams given to college students. I am an assessment specialist (reader), so I pick up a lot of these during my scoring sessions and share them with the other readers–and with you.* Enjoy these for Christmas!

In short, to play gambol can go to two place - haven or hell.

In the bottle of good and evil…

People are putting (piercing) in different part of their body like…belly bottom…

I play porker…I am obsessed by porker.

People who pierce their body are related with rock and rock is related to drugs, sex, and bandolism.

MySpace is just a place to take on their lust.

It (Internet) might take them to the beginning parth of hell.

Recently teen suicides and murders are improving.

On the day of September 9, 2000, there was a tragedy (in New York City)

I admit in junior high I cheated on a few testes.

Being without a cell phone is like not wearing underwear.

My idea of relaxation is deworming sheep and goats.

*I must say that I totally agree with the one about MySpace. :wink:

What is bandolism? The condition of being in a band?

#2

I worked in standardized testing for a while.

Here are a few of mine:

Julius Caesar was a Greek God.

Alexander the Great was a famous magician.

I want to be a famous raper.

Tiger Woods won the French Open.

#3

“Being without a cell phone is like not wearing underwear.”

This is a profound statement of absolute freedom?? Right???

#4

Outstanding! Would you mind if I added these to my files?

#5

Ha! Some of these are just gold…

In the bottle of good and evil…
I hear ya. Booze is a double-edged sword, my friend.

**I play porker…I am obsessed by porker. **
Deep down, aren’t we all?

Recently teen suicides and murders are improving.
I hear accuracy is up as much as 30%.

I admit in junior high I cheated on a few testes.
Women, man. It’s not just the infidelity, it’s regarding men as just a sack of balls…

Being without a cell phone is like not wearing underwear.
…embarassing, yet strangely liberating and erotic?

#6

Bandolism: The playing of a musical instrument called the bandolin, which is a cross between a banjo and a mandolin.

#7

**Recently teen suicides and murders are improving.**And I know why. In the Fort Worth paper classified ads, there is an ad in big type that says:

                  SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE
                           We can help
                            ###-####

The first time I saw the ad, I thought, “Help? How? Help them get it right the next time?” Of course, a second later, I realized what the ad really meant. But, at first glance, I thought it was a self-help group for people that tried to shoot themselves and missed.

#8

I’m sorry, did you say college students? As opposed to applicants? You mean these people were actually admitted? For God’s sake, why?

#9

They can be placed into a number of different classes: ESL–at a high level, or medium, or low, or very low.
Mainstream English: Freshman Comp (highest–essays to research paper), or the one right under that (paragraphs to essays), or under that (sentences to paragraphs), or beneath all of those (really poor skills, if any).

I suppose the larger question is: For God’s sake, why are they permitted to graduate from high school with “skills” like this? But that’s a discussion for another thread.

*Note: the first ten “gems” in this list came from a friend at another college; he had collected them from PROFICIENCY exams taken near the end of the semester. I can tell that many of them are second language learner problems, but then, it can take many years to overcome such problems.

#10

bump in case anyone else needs a bit of humor

#11

But we can’t have standards for graduating from high school. Think about the damage to their self-esteem!

#12

The first definition that occurred to me was “the belief that a bandolier is the finest ammunition belt money can buy”.

#13

I think you’ve just nailed the problem.

They can’t even spell self-esteem. It tends to come out as self of steam. (Vapor?)

#14

Go right ahead. I’m sure I"ll remember more.

#15

Just once. For 30 minutes.

#16

Because I’m feeling sickeningly helpful:
Essay gems 1
Essay gems 2
Essay gems 3
Essay gems 4

#17

You know, I think my favorite one is this:

My idea of relaxation is deworming sheep and goats.

Personally, I like to read books or watch movies, but different strokes for different folks, you know. Who am I to knock the relaxing power of deworming if I haven’t tried it?

#18

Thanks!