So, I wrote this short story in spanish a few weeks ago, and my friends and family seem to like it, but I’ll like to get a more impartial critique from my fellow dopers.
So I’ve translated it as best I could, could you look at it and tell me what you think? both of it’s merits as a story and it’s translation?
here is the story in english: Pigment
Here it is in spanish for those of you who want to see it in it’s original language:
Thanks!.
Frodo.
bump?
Your English grammar is fine. The dialogue seems a little stiff, it doesn’t quite give the impression of vernacular. Dialogue is hard though, don’t feel bad. Your descriptive language is pretty good, I’d like to see more of it.
This line was good:
“The warrior looked west for a few moments, as if studying the last rays of the sun that escaped between the broken columns of the ruin.”
Immediately followed by this purely utilitarian line:
“Then he turned and entered the house.”
The simple action can be embedded in the first line:
“The warrior looked west for a few moments before entering the house, as if studying the last rays of the sun that escaped between the broken columns of the ruin.”
I’d suggest editing it for brevity about things like that, and adding more descriptive language and more of the thoughts and feelings of the characters.
Thanks!, I’ll revise it again with your suggestions in mind!.
A question, did you get why the goblin was able to kill the warrior?, most of the people who read the story (friends and family of mine) did not and I don’t know how to make it more clear without spelling it outright and I wanted it to be a bit more subtle.
I suppose he came upon the goblin painting the wall and hesitated upon realization that the goblins were more human than he expected. If it’s something else I missed it.
Yes, exactly. I don’t know why so many don’t get it, perhaps they are not used of this kind of short story where usually there is some revelation like that in the end.
You throw it at the reader with the last line, but your time line jumps around before that. First you foreshadow the farmer in the future who misses the point himself, then back to the present for the final line, so you may be losing the readers. Your real irony here is that the farmer did not learn the right lesson. I’m thinking you should spell out clearly what the warrior learned, and your last line should demonstrate that the farmer never learned that lesson. So end with the farmer telling the rookies that he doesn’t know why the warrior hesitated, it must have just been chance.
Anyway, simply some opinions, there are good writers on the board, hopefully they’ll comment also.
(Bolding added.) Agreed, although I got the time-shift almost immediately. Maybe telling the rookies something like <“… a moment of bad luck, or maybe he hesitated for some reason.” The farmer didn’t remember that it was dawn when …>.
The dialog seems to work as it is. The warrior speaks in a terse all-business way to show his professional experience and world-weary personality, while the farmers speak in a slow rambling manner, as suits somebody who has to wait a couple of months at least for the crops to grow.
And your English is fine, except for one thing that even native speakers screw up. The word “it’s” is a contraction of “it is”, while “its” is the possessive. Yes, nouns take the apostrophe for possession, but English is a mess.
It’s a good story. Your English is fine.
It was clear to me what had happened to the warrior.
Id like it better if the warrior and the farmer had names.
That’s an interesting idea, but it would take some thought since it means changing the central meaning of the story, from the warrior’s discovery that his enemies are more sentient than he thought (and that costing him his life) to the irony of the farmer not learning the lesson, I’ll think about it.
I don’t know about names, I deliberately didn’t name them, I can’t quite explain why though, the story just looks better without names, IMHO.
I think I’ll revise the ending with that in mind, thanks!.
Good Story all up.
I noticed a handful of places where the sentence construction or phrasing was a bit off, it wasn’t wrong just felt a bit awkward. But if English is your second language, that’s not a big criticism. (Almost my entire repertoire of Spanish comes from Manuel from Fawlty Towers 
)
I immediately knew how the warrior had been killed by a lowly goblin. But I read a lot of fantasy/sci fi, so it’s a theme I’m very familiar with.
I have to disagree with Weedy, it works fine without names, in fact with the ‘old retired gunslinger/man with no name’ vibe, I think it works much better in not naming the old warrior.
The time shift aspect at the end is fine and works well, and to me is quite clear, but I agree with rjk’s suggestion about tweaking it a bit. It chops back and forth a little as it reads now.