Please empty the entire two litre bottle of mayonaise onto my burger. Thankyou.

The BBQ Pit
1

I am convinced that food service employees are genetically programmed to put four times as much mayonaise/cream cheese/vinegar/sauce on your food as necesary

Especially when you say “just a bit please, not too much”. Their brain interprets this request as"More than usuall please. Go nuts"
Believe me when I say I am a junk food junkie. I have been to many different take aways (usually the pizza/kebab/burger variety). Every single one I have ever been to puts far too much on your food. And all of them completely ignore polite requests to only put a small amount on.
Rant over.

2

I hear you loud and clear Lobsang . Today I got a burger from a little takeaway shop (not a fast food resturant), and despite the fact that I specified “no BBQ sauce,” it was dripping with the stuff. I complained and asked them to please make me another burger without the BBQ sauce as specified, and they got quite offended. I don’t ask for things to be left off a burger when I’m at a fast food chain like Mc Donald’s or Burger King, because since they have pre made burgers I think it’s more polite to just scrape off what you don’t like. In a take away shop where they prepare food when you order, however, I think it’s fine to ask for “no egg” or “no mayo.”

If someone asks for “no BBQ sauce” or “no mayonaise” it should be quite clear. DO NOT PUT IT ON THE FREAKING BURGER!

3

Shit! Before samarm comes along to rate this pit thread I better do some work!

I am goat convinced that FUCKING GOAT BOLLOCK LICKING food service employees are genetically programmed to put four FUCKING goat times as much wank on your food.

Especially when you say “FUCKFACE! IF YOU EVEN THINK OF PUTTING ONE MOLECULE MORE MAYONAISE ON THAT BURGER I’LL RIP YOUR FACE OFF!!” the wanktards interpret this as “I AM A DICKFACED ARSE-SOCK, I AM GONNA EMPTY A CEMENTMIXER FULL OF SPERM ONTO THIS DICKWAD’S BURGER AND HE CAN TAKE MY FACE OFF IF HE WANTS, I HATE THE FUCKING THING”
Believe me when I say I am a fat bastard and stuff my ugly face with junk food at every oportunity. I have been to every fucking takeaway in the town, in the same day. and rammed shite down my pie hole. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE IS A BASTARD FUCKO OFF.

goat.

4

[Homer]Mmmm… two litres of mayonaisse… <gurgle gurgle gurgle>[/Homer]

5

Holy Shit Lobsang I nearly vomited all over my keyboard I was laughing so hard after reading the second version of your rant! I think “I AM A DICKFACED ARSE-SOCK” is perhaps the funniest goat fucking thing I’ve read on SDMB to date! Bravo

Nice fucking job!
bollocks

6

I hate it when you give an instruction like “ketchup only” and the wage slave who puts together your burger decides to compensate for the lack of other condiments by pouring on five times as much ketchup than normal.

News flash: there is no condiment minimum that must be reached. It’s okay if you use the normal amount of ketchup on my burger. You can bring balance back to the Force when someone asks for extra pickles later on.

7

At BK, I have a habit of asking for extra mayo/ketchup. I want it slathered on good. This also serves the duel purpose of forcing them to make my burger fresh, instead of giving me the pile of [goat] shit that has been sitting under the goat sucking heat lamps for about 45 goat-lovin’ minutes.

livestock.

8

Did those singing commercials go right over your head? Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don’t upset [them]. All [they] ask is that you let [them] have it your way.

9

I have YET to order a Big Mac and get a one that looks like they do on the commercials. They are always loaded to the nuts with “special sauce”, falling apart and soggy as hell. I have no idea where they get off making a Big Mac look sssoooo damned good on TV and yet when to get it, it looks like a fucking gooey mess.

10

This just in: product looked better in the ad. In other news, bears are Catholic and the Pope shits in the woods.

11

Ever asked for no pickles? My working theory is that it’s a magic phrase which guarantees pickles.

No matter where you are.

Or what you order.

Try it sometime at, oh, let’s say KFC. You will get pickles.

Possibly in their own special little cup manufactured for the sole purpose of pickle-holding.

12

The test, of course, would be to order something that doesn’t normally have pickles in it, specifically ask them to hold the pickles, and see what happens. For example, “I’ll have a small Coke. Hold the pickles.” If you later find slices of pickles floating in your Coke, consider your hypothesis proved.

13

What’s funny is that In & Out burgers do not come with pickles. But if you ask for pickles, they will put them on. My question: Why do they even have pickles in the place at all?

14

I special order every time I get a fast food burger. I don’t like salad, mustard, or (usually) mayo, so I say “Gimme a #2 with cheese, ketchup only.”

One BK got it wrong twice, so I stopped going there. The second time, I was driving off and got about a block away from the restaurant, when I bit into a tomato–the Osama of the al-Qaeda salad network–and almost puked my fucking guts out all over my then-new car. (No, I don’t like tomatos.)

But everywhere else, that rarely happens. Jack in the Box and A&W have never gotten my order wrong, and BK and McDonald’s have only done it a couple times.

15

So I’m at taco bell. I order nachos supreme, no tomatoes.
I get nachos supreme, with tomatoes.
I go back, talk to the manager. I get a free meal.
I order that meal a few days later. It included an order of nachos supreme, with NO tomatoes.
I got nachos supreme, with tomatoes.
I go back, talk to the manager. I get a free meal.
I order that meal a few days later. It included an order of nachos supreme, with NO TOMATOES.
I get nachos supreme, with tomatoes.
I give up on the manager and call the local supervisor. I get a free meal.
I order that meal a few days later. It included an order of nachos supreme, with NO TOMATOES, and a few soft tacos.
I get nachos supreme, with no tomatoes.
I get urine on my soft tacos.
I no longer go to taco bell.

16

I was with my hubby driving into Arizona via the Four Corners. Once you get into Arizona, you enter the desolate void of the desert. There are towns marked on the map, but upon arriving in these towns all you see is a beat up old trailer and a couple of cars.

One of the blips on the map actually turned out to be two gas stations and a new Burger King, right smack dab in the middle of fucking nowhere. I have no idea where these employees could live. We decide to grab a burger, and this is where we tripped into the twilight zone.

The meat was hot, the veggies were fresh and cold, the cheese was melted, then bun was not smashed, the fries were golden brown perfection, they put no ketchup or pickles on my burger.

Yes, my friends, I have had the burger that looks like the picture. I almost cried out of joy…

17

And in an unanticipated update, goats now have bollocks.

[Bill Hicks] Here’s Tom with the weather! [/Bill Hicks]

18

[Beavis]

He said ‘goat.’

Heh, heh, heh …

[/Beavis]

19

Let me describe to you the reason(s) why your orders don’t come out right-

I worked a second job at a Wendy’s last year. Night Shift on weeknights, days on weekends. I needed the money. It was HELL.

Let me first say that I am the pickiest eater in the Universe. I hate everything I don’t make myself. Condiments are icky and I will not even touch them if I can help it. (Thank Og Wendy’s uses gloves.) So I empathize with all those frustrated by incorrect orders.

But I digress. The reason behind fast food ineptitude can best be understood by observing the following conversation, which takes place on a late Saturday afternoon:

Hyperjes, while taking orders and running the cash register on the drive-thru window: “No mustard on that #3!”

Idiot 16 year old, who is making sandwiches: “Huh?”

Hyperjes: “Don’t put any mustard on that #3!”

Idiot: “Ummm… Okay…”

Fifteen seconds later, the burger is bagged and handed out.

Two minutes later, the same car pulls back up to the window. Customer is upset, because there is lots of mustard on his #3.

Hyperjes to Idiot: “This was supposed to be without ANY mustard.”

Idiot: “You shoulda told me dat.”

Hyperjes: “I did. Could you make another one, no mustard, please?”

Idiot: “You dint tell me. You should hafta make it.”

Three minutes later, the burger is wrapped and out the window.

Cue next customer.

Hyperjes: “That Jr. Bacon doesn’t get mayo or pickles.”

Idiot: “I KNOW! I kin read duh screen! Sheesh!”

Two minutes later, the burger is wrapped and out.

Five seconds later, same car backs up to the window. Customer is upset. He got extra pickles and no ketchup.

Hyperjes to Idiot: “Could you redo this one? No mayo, no pickles, but with ketchup and everything else.”

Idiot: “You shoulda told me.”

Hyperjes: “I did. You said you saw it on the order screen.”

Idiot: “I hate makin’ samwiches! It’s too hard!”

Two minutes until order completion.

Hyperjes to Idiot: “You know, if you want to work the window, I’ll trade with you. Maybe you’d like that better.”

Idiot: “Okay. Mebbe.”

Cue manager to change cash drawer and install Idiot on the window.

Idiot to Hyperjes: “Number 2.”

Fifteen seconds, burger gone.
Ten seconds later, customer is back.

Idiot: “This asshole wants it with no ketchup. Make a nuther un.”

Hyperjes: “Alright.”

New burger out in ten.

Idiot: “If he wand it with no ketchup, he shoulda tol me.”

Hyperjes, muttering softly: “I’ll bet he did…”

I was mighty pleased to quit that job.

:rolleyes:

20

At a coffee shop in Ireland a few months ago:

Me: A regular black coffee please.

Drone: Black or white?

Me: Black, please.

[Drone grabs milk jug.]

Me: No no no no, black please.

Drone: Oh, sorry. [Brings coffee to counter]. Do you want some milk in that?