There’s an old episode of Law and Order where they’re on the trail of an Irish Traveler suspected of murder - the lawyers are talking about the fact he arranged his 14-year old daughter’s marriage. The woman lawyer (don’t remember which generation of L&O this was) says something to the effect of “How can they do that, in this day and age?” And ADA Carver retorts “Especially with the stunning success people have picking their own mates nowadays.”
That line somehow stuck in my head. I have a very close friend who went back to India and (reluctantly) got married to a stranger. A couple of weeks after he came back to the US he confided to me that he felt really weird having this stranger following him around everywhere. But as time went on they both put a lot of effort into the marriage, and when I saw them six months later they were madly in love. There was a discernible affection in his voice when he spoke of her. She had stuck pictures of him on every wall in the house. It completely freaked me out.
They’ve been married five years now, and have a beautiful daughter. If all families were this happy the world would be a better place.
I’ll grant you this could be an exceptional instance, and I might be missing the broader picture. But I married for love, and though we’re still very much in love, there are things we’ve had to work out by discussion that this couple never had to. What religion to raise the kids (mine, hers or our current non-practising state), what languages to teach the kid (mine or hers), and so on. Whereas my friend and his wife already shared a social and religious context, and just assumed they would carry on their traditions.
People marry for love when they find they and their prospective partner have a lot in common - tastes in music, thoughts on politics, kinky sex, whatever. They then have to work to find common ground on other issues such as religion and so on. With arranged marriages it’s the other way around - the people have socio-economic and religious context in common and work to find common tastes and predilections. I’m not sure there’s that much of a difference. Also, it’s the social-religious stuff that becomes more important to a lot of us as we age.
Also most Indians I know have very strong familial ties. And not just with immediate family - I’m talking “Big Fat Greek Wedding” scale. In most cases the eldest son takes care of the parents - you are considered a failure if you abandon your parents or put them in a home. Arranged marriages ensure these familial bonds endure, since both partners share these (unusual by Western standards) values. The child, too, grows up grounded and with a sense of his/her place in the world and the larger scheme of things.
So I think I agree with Manda JO the most. I think xash is a bit too pessimistic - every culture has spousal abuse, and it’s sadly too common in the West among couples who supposedly married for love. As for parental pressure, what Western 30-year old woman hasn’t had to fend off her mother’s persistent talk of marriage?
