Please explain arranged marriage

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, I just talked to one of my clients…he’s one of the few whose cases I’ve essentially handled entirely myself, from his initial H-1B visa through his green card application (which is just about ready to file with the BCIS, formerly known as INS, except for the following)…

…he is Indian, and is leaving for 2 weeks in India tomorrow, and may or may not come back married. He’s never met any of the women under consideration in person, although he has chatted via phone and e-mail. We’ve been chatting about logistics a lot lately, of course, because in order for his hypothetical bride to come back to the U.S. with him, she will need a dependent visa based on his work visa, and the scheduling backlog in Delhi is long and getting longer, plus they won’t give her a visa without a marriage certificate, which takes at least a few days after the marriage to get. (He did say he talked to someone who managed to get his new wife a visa with some sort of court affidavit rather than a marriage certificate, but who knows. I think I’m going to be getting some panicked phone calls from his village near Delhi.)

I know it used to be the norm in my own culture only a couple of generations ago, and is still the norm in quite a number of cultures, but I just cannot grok the idea of committing to spend the rest of your life with someone you have never even met. Especially if you’ve been exposed to other ways of life, as this particular client has - he’s lived in the U.S. for several years now. (Geez, I feel almost like his mom or something, what with all the advice I’ve been giving him lately, even though he’s only a few years younger than I am). He swears the idea doesn’t bother him, that things are meant to happen when they happen, and that he’s tried the whole dating thing and it hasn’t worked for him, so he’s going to fall back on the traditional method.

So have any Dopers had arranged marriages, or been close to people who have? Please help me wrap my brain around the whole idea. How did it work out? How did reality differ from expectations, or not? How was the initial awkwardness of instant intimacy with a complete stranger? How long did it take to pass? Please recount any other information you feel relevant, especially if you are familiar with both types of marriages and want to share which way you think is better for you and why.

2

A good movie to watch about arranged Indian marriages would be “Monsoon Wedding.”

From what I understand, it’s pretty accurate as to how the whole arranged thing works. Written by a Punjabi, directed by one, etc etc.

3

I actually saw *Monsoon Wedding * (with an Indian friend, and we both liked it very much, BTW). It sure was interesting, but didn’t really explain all the parties’ motivations entirely. For instance, why did the eventual husband decide to go back to India and marry a stranger rather than meeting even some nice Indian girl in the U.S.?

A college friend of mine did the same thing, and he seems to be perfectly happy. (At least he did the last I talked to him, which was some years ago now.) I just can’t contemplate it. My college friend had been in the U.S. even longer…all the way through a master’s, Ph.D., and several years of teaching without even a vacation trip home. But when he finally decided to get married, it was wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am. He had his parents arrange some appointments for him, picked one, and off he went. It just blew my poor Western little mind.

4

I am not from a culture that has arranged marriges, but this is how it has been explained to me, and,frankly, I think it makes a lot of sense.

We all have various social needs: we need people to share our hopes, dreams and fears with, we need people to hug, we need people to have sex with, we need people to form an economic partnership with, we need people to comfort us, we need people to make us laugh, we need people to confide in, we need people to correct us, we need people to reassure us, we need people to cheer us on, we need co-parents (if we want children)

The idea that your spouse should fufill the bulk of these needs with your family and friends taking up the slack around the edges is not the only “natural” way to do things. It’s come to be a given in modern western culture, but that’s simply one way to organize all these diverse “niches” that we have to fill with other people.

In an arranged marrige, there’s no assuption that the spouse will come to be your everything–they are your economic partner and your co-parent, and that’s ok: it doesn’t mean that those needs are going unfufilled, they are just fufilled by your family and your friends, just like they were fufilled before you got married. Over time, you may come to be confidants or mutual cheerleaders or whatever, but if you don’t, it’s not a tragedy in any way, shape, or form–you have all these other complex relatoinships that an all consuming central relationship makes impossible for no other reason than the finite nature of time: maintaining a close personal relationship with a spouse takes time, and as such inevitably cuts down on the time avalible to develop and maintain close, personal relationships with anyone else. Whose to say that a group of close female friends is somehow less worthy, profound, or enviable than a close relationship with a sex partner?

Lastly, arranged marriges really only work in a society with strict, mutually understood and accepted gender roles. This is because if you don’t have strict gender roles, you have to hash a lot of things out on a case by case basis, and it’s not a good idea to assume you are going to be able to hash things out with someone you don’t know. But if both partners enter into the relationship with the same basic expectaitons about what their own responsiblities are and what their spouse’s responsibilites are, and if those expectations are reinforced by the families and people involved, then you don’t have to be good friends to have a sucessful relationship.

5

Hi Eva. I am in a position to answer your questions, and I’ll try.

Personally, I detest arranged marriages with a passion. But this country seems to love it. It is, after all these years, still very difficult for me to understand. It still blows my mind that someone would want to marry a stranger. And after years of heated arguements with my closest friends, I’m not sure if I’ve got answers for you. But I’ll try.

Arranged marriages, basically, are arranged by the families involved, not by the guy or girl. The guy or girl just gets options to choose which one he/she’d like to marry. All the homework, matchmaking, history finding, is done by the families.

Once a girl turns 18, and a guy turns 21, the pressure begins. You must get married, say the parents. And they’ll continue to say it everyday until you do. The kids are brought up in an environment that teaches you to respect your parents and give in to their wishes. Even if it means spending the rest of your life with a stranger. Who may or may not be a nice person. Who may or may not get along with you.

The guy or girl, typically, initially resists any such pressure. Since my circle of friends are exposed to the way of life you are accustomed to in the US, as also is your client, they initially find it a repulsive concept. The pressure builds. Parents get cranky, abusive, sometimes violent. After a few years of this, most guys and girls resign to the fact that they must get arranged married. Their focus then shifts towards finding the best possible spouse within the constraints. When they eventually say yes, they’ve not met the person for more than a week, typically.

I’ve had endless arguements and discussions trying to understand their mindset when they make these decisions. The only answers I get are that these are my parents’ wishes and I must do as they say. Most then get arranged married, and live what I believe are compromised lives.

A lot of times, the people who do get arranged married are seeing someone already. So it’s not like they can’t find themselves a nice partner. They break up the relationship to get arranged married. Because the parents will not accept the guy/girl she/he was seeing. Just one friend I know fought her parents for the one she loved. They found out somehow. She was Muslim. He was Hindu. Both families revolted. The girls’ parents asked her to leave the house or leave the guy. She packed a small bag and left. We put her up at a friend’s place for a few days, until the parents panicked and wanted her back. A year of constant threats and pressure followed. She refused to give in. They are now both in the U.S. and likely to get married within a year or two. I respect her strength, and only wish more people could do what she has done. But it’s difficult. Very difficult.

You have to understand that the bond of family in India is extremely strong. And that almost every person that does get arranged married does so because of their parents, not because it is their free will.

I am blessed to have parents who fought the arranged marriage custom to get love married. My mom’s dad told her that there was no way she was going to get married to my dad. There was resistance from her family. My dad told her to wait and give it time. Eventually he should agree. Tragically, he died in 1974. They married in 1975. Bittersweet. But I’ll take it.

Let me try answering a few more of your questions. Expectations are limited to begin with. You start out as a compromise. There is awkwardness, initially. A few weeks of officially seeing each other before the engagement is finalized. A few months later you are married. Your past is, in most cases, hidden from your partner. You’re not really marrying your best friend, so you keep sensitive, personal issues to yourself. You hide previous relationships from your partner. You mention a bit just to make it sound believable. You clearly lie about ever having slept with someone in the past. That is a definite no-no. What I mention, ofcourse, are typical cases. There will be exceptions. Also, I talk about urban, affluent, educated Indians who are exposed to the western way of life and thinking.

And here’s a case that is similar to your client’s. An extremely close friend of mine, with whom I have had numerous arguements on the subject of arranged marriage, was studying in the U.S. sometime last year. He was to come to India in the December break. He was to be here in India for a month. He would come single. He would return, engaged to be married. He had to. He had one month to choose his bride. He had fought off his parents in the past, but this time he had agreed to choose his life partner. Within one month. So, like your client, he comes in to India single. His parents show him the bio-data of about 5 women they had chosen, on the very first day of his arrival. To his shock and amazement, his childhood crush was one of them. He discarded the other 4 and told his parents he’d be willing to meet this girl. He did not mention anything further. They were more than thrilled that their boy, who refused to even consider a girl in the past, has now agreed to meet one. Little did they know that this was a small miracle. He met the girl. She had always liked him. They had a lot to talk about, having grown up together as kids. They couldn’t have been happier. It is, to date, the only arranged marriage that I am happy about. He got engaged to her, and shortly left the country to return to the U.S. He now works there. He’s flying down in June to have a court marriage (the traditional marriage will be held in November). He’s getting a court marriage so that she can get a dependant visa and join him in the U.S. She plans to tour the U.S. for a short while in July.

I haven’t seen Monsoon Wedding, so I can’t comment on the film.

6

Most of the members of my Baha’i group here in western Maryland are from Iran. In Iran, arranged marriage is the norm. Several of my church friends have arranged marriages. My friend Fareba, married to her husband Anil for 10 years, explained it like this: she said both families, knowing the people of marriagable age very well, decide who would work well with whom. Several introductions are made, some pressure is brought to bear, and a marriage results. Last year, I actually attended a ceremony where the marriage was arranged. It was the son of two of our members (arrangement married 35 years ago), arrangement marrying a young woman who was a daughter of some friends of theirs from Canada. They are (the older married couple) now on the look-out for a suitable wife for their younger son, who will be done his medical residency in a year, and, in their opinion, will then be ready for marriage. Let me clarify that arranged marriage is a cultural thing not a Baha’i thing.

I would not want arranged marriages for my children. Having said that, interestingly enough, arranged marriages don’t seem to have a higher divorce rate than love marriages.

7

Between Manda JO and xash, you have 2 good POVs. I’ll toss in a third.

My parents were not really arranged, but definitely set-up by family/a matchmaker expressly for marriage. The whole concept of “dating” as we have in Western culture really wasn’t all that commonplace. Sure, people dated and some of my mom’s friends married boyfriends they’d been dating for a long time, but I’d say a good 50% of the people met via matchmaker. My mom’s family is in the upper-middle class category and they were insistent that their future son-in-law met certain resume requirements. After my parents met, they “dated” for a little while (a few months probably) and married shortly after.

I think it really comes down to expectations. I like what Manda JO said about how in the west, we expect our spouse to be everything: our partner, best friend, lover, confidant, jogging buddy. Sure, those things are nice, but it’s a fairly loftly expectation. I’ll go out on a limb and say that the heightened expectations & disappointment may be one of the reasons why divorce is so prevalent. People get disillusioned. For a myriad of reasons (gender roles, societal disapproval on divorce, etc.) societies that have arranged marriages don’t see the divorce numbers that we do. It’s changing, unfortunately.

Anyway, to get back to the question, I do think that it has to do with mutual expectations and understandings of what marriage is to the couple. My mom recently shared that in the beginning of their marriage, it was very difficult to mesh with my dad. They had to adjust to & learn each other’s temperaments and ideals in ways that I think my fiancee and I have already done, to a certain extent. So, in a sense, they were dating during the first part of their marriage. But when they did fight, they both understood that they could not just back away and not see each other anymore. They were married and made the commitment to work through disagreements that may have been minor but could have broken up a young dating relationship. My parents now have one of the strongest marriages I’ve witnessed. That said, some of my mom’s friends are in miserable marriages, so as with all things, YMMV.

I don’t know which one’s better, honestly. I used to be violently opposed to arranged marriages or even “set-up meetings,” but darn it if age hasn’t mellowed me out. I grew up in the US with all the trappings thereof, so I’m used to dating before marriage. I can understand why some people would, after dating a while, go to a more traditional approach. Those individuals have probably either (1) grown up in a society where arranged marriages are acceptable/expected and come to the US for college or post-college education, or (2) grown up in a very traditional household in the US. If you don’t grow up in a dating society, the rituals can be very strange & frustrating. You client/friend may feel that American-Indian girls are too “westernized” or whatever. With an arranged marriage, there’s at least the almost-guarantee that the person your family picks is likely of equal educational & family background as you. There’s the added bonus that your family will like/accept them.

Wow. Sorry about the length.

8

Assuming that that is true, I would attribute it more to the fact that the parties involved, being unable to fight the pressure of getting married in the first place, do not have the courage, family support or the economic stability to even attempt a divorce. Divorce involves a whole lot more family pressure than getting married. So, even though many arranged marriages may be unhappy or unfulfilling, divorce rates may be low because of these factors.

Additionally, since you’re comparing it to love marriages, my belief is that when you’re unhappy in a love marriage for an extended period of time, you’d just rather split than stay together. This is not the mindset of those in an arranged marriage. They’d rather accept the realities, rather than fight them, and continue to live in a highly compromised environment, even when things are not working out.

In a love marriage there is an expectation and a demand for the best from your spouse. You both strive towards it. In an arranged marriage there is no such expectation nor any such demand, you just work out a balance that keeps both parties satisfied.

Again, to reiterate, these are my personal views and should be taken as such.

9

An excellent point, and no doubt of some validity. However, something else to consider is this: in an arranged marriage, you don’t really know if the person you’re marrying is morally strong, you don’t know if they have alcoholic or drug abuse tendencies, you don’t know what kind of parent they’ll be, etc. etc. But most people don’t know these things about partners they’re marrying for love, either. The arranged marriage may have a slight edge in this arena, as, presumably, even though you don’t know much about your selected mate, your family knows a great deal about them. If you marry for love (and I’m convinced that a lot of people who think they’re marrying for love, are really marrying for lust), after just a short courtship, you don’t know that person all that well, and neither does anyone who would presumably care about your well-being (i.e. your family).

Did that make any sense at all, or was it just rambling and disjointed?

10

norinew, I understand your point, but let me try to explain it thus:

Yes, love marriages, and indeed relationships, do get ugly at times. People may change drastically in a short span of time, etc.

But, in a love marriage/relationship situation, you have had the advantage of seeing the person react to situations, circumstances, and events that require strong moral character, patience, understanding, compassion, etc. You are in a better position, as a friend or SO to see this, and use it as an indication for the future.

In an arranged marriage, this same evaluation is made by an aunt or worse still, a friend of the aunt who visited a few times.

In an arranged marriage situation you have no clue what the person is really like, since all you’ll ever get in all meetings is pleasant smiles, since you’ve come there to get married.

e.g. Drunken binges are not something that your going to be spouse or his/her aunt would know about. A friend might. There’s the advantage.

11

One of my good girl friends is facing a lot of pressure to be a part of an arranged marriage. It’s a hard decision for her. She was raised in America, and definately holds “Western” values. But she is also very active in the Hindu church, very dedicated to her family, and sees a lot of value to what continueing on that path would offer.

Right now she is dating a non-Hindu white man. She loves him, but the situation is a mess. Her parents and religious teachers strongly disapprove. But it isn’t just prejudice. There are some valid points that they make.

First off, in many sects of Hinduism, marriage and child bearing are relgious rites of passage that are directly analogous to the rituals and ceremonies that men take part in. Marriage can have the same spiritual signifigance as Baptism, Confession, or Communion. They are not just something that is kind of nice. They are an intergal part of being a devout person.

And the whole social system supports that. The church and extended family structure provides excellent support for mothers. People never have to worry about finding babysitters for their kids. During the services, babies will be held and comforted by the entire group of worshippers- both to give the mother a break and to re-enforce the importance of children. A mother in this situation never has to worry about their kid’s well being. The whole system is there to support them.

It’s pretty darn hard to pass up what is a pretty idealic lifestyle. Imagine being assured that you’d always lead a somewhat affluent lifestyle in the company of a social system that whole-heartedly approves of what you are doing and will actively help you to live a comfortable life. While it is kind of restricting, it’s also pretty tempting. She’d finally have a place in the world where she fits right in. A place where she always belongs. A clearly defined role that will assure her a certain place in the community. It’s a life of order and comfort. It’s also a life that can provide happiness. It’s a tried-and-true method. Why should a person insist on stumbling around through life, likely screwing up a good bit of it, when there are thousands of years of history to learn from?

And lets look at the alternative. Already she is facing a man that doesn’t really want kids (which goes against her culture and religion). She is facing a life where she will not have the resources that her extended family provide. She is facing a life of unsureness and near-inevitable heartbreak in the end. It really doesn’t make sense to base who you raise your children with on who you’d most like to have sex with. Those are darn poor criterea. Almost everyone I know has divorced parents. And while I don’t think divorce is the worst tragety in the world, it’s not something I’d choose. Most of these adults that I know are still working through their ideas on love and closeness. A good bit of them are bitter. Many never got to have the children that they wanted. “Nobely” making one’s own path in life isn’t all its cracked up to be. Half the time it just plain ends up sucking.

And why would you risk that when the passport to a good life where you don’t have to worry about every little thing is sitting right in front of you? There is a lot to be said for self-determinism, but it isn’t the end all and be all. People also want to be happy. And an arranged marriage can offer that.

12

MandaJO made an excellent point and one that I think xash might add to the list of reasons why arranged marriages seem to “work”. That such a marriage will work in societies where there are clear gender roles. The existence of such well-defined roles significantly reduces the potential for large-scale conflicts between the couple. This, coupled with the stigma of divorce, economic dependence, and just plain powerful inertia are the factors why an unhappy arranged marriage can plod on till death does them apart.

On the motivations for an arranged marriage:
How can you explain why people who found the idea ludicrous suddenly going through it themselves? How about the fact that Father Time may have caught up with them.

13

MandaJO made an excellent point and one that I think xash might add to the list of reasons why arranged marriages seem to “work”. That such a marriage will work in societies where there are clear gender roles. The existence of such well-defined roles significantly reduces the potential for large-scale conflicts between the couple. This, coupled with the stigma of divorce, economic dependence, and just plain powerful inertia are the factors why an unhappy arranged marriage can plod on till death does them apart.

On the motivations for an arranged marriage:
How can you explain why people who found the idea ludicrous suddenly going through it themselves? How about the fact that Father Time may have caught up with them.

14

My friend’s parent’s met 3 times before they were married. Thay are deeply, DEEPLY in love with each other. Their arrangement worked very well.

Unfortunately, he now receives one picture of a pretty girl every fortnight.

He has a girlfriend (also asian, but Hindu and from RSA, while he’s Syrian orthodox and from NZ) who his parent’s don’t know about.

15

The immense amount of family pressure, emotional blackmail, etc. leads to a situation where, basically, you end up doing it to prevent hurting your parents feelings or going against their wishes (out of respect/fear/conditioning/whatever). This is the primary factor that leads people to accede to the demands of an arranged marriage. Essentially, they say, “My parents have done so much for me, I have to do this for them. I can’t see them hurt. It’ll make them happy”. It’s a function of the absolute respect that most Indians have for their parents. It’s the way the fabric of society here is woven. The irony is that the parents will always insist that it’s for the happiness of their child, blatantly ignoring the fact that the child is not really even happy with the entire concept. Dialogue and reason are not really respected much in these circumstances by the parents.

Time is not, in my view, a major factor at about 22-24, the age at which a lot of my friends are getting (have gotten) arranged married. A decent number of love marriages are also taking place around the same age, although the majority would take place a few years later, since being financially stable is a major factor in a love marriage. In an arranged marriage that is taken care of by the families involved (as are love marriages with the absolute consent of both families).

Another point I might mention here, since you talk of age catching up, is that the older you get the lesser your “market value” gets. Especially for a woman. So, if you agree to marry before you turn 24/25, you basically have the “cream”, so to speak, to select from. The older you get, the weaker the pool gets as a whole and the tougher it gets to find the right match (read “rich/good looking/nice job/good family/etc.”).

16

You rang?

The reason is that the Indian girls in the U.S. are all dating white men. (kidding!)

All kidding aside, the conception of marriage, romance, etc. is very different in Indian society and Western society. And the family pressure is an obvious factor. One thing to consider in terms of the family pressure factor (and I’m basing this on the anecdotal experience of my own family in India) is that young people do not seem to stray very far from the nest. It boggled my mind when my cousin got married that he and his wife were going to move into the second bedroom in my uncle (his father’s) apartment. Other than a time when he was studying in Russia, he never has lived away from home. He’s 28 now. All of my cousins who are in their twenties and thirties are still living either with their parents, or not very far away. (In some cases, in separate apartments in the same building).

When Indian kids attend college (and xash can correct me if I’m wrong about this), they tend to live either in regimented dormitories or with relatives.

Even among Indian girls in the U.S., there is an observable phenomenon of girls moving back home after they finish college. Voluntarily, at least to hear them tell it. There is something of a taboo associated with women living alone.

In India, economics dictates a lot of this. Housing is hard to come by, especially rental housing in cities. But the effect of this is that more people end up living at home in India for a time that, to Westerners, would seem unduly long. And the very idea that at 18 you’re going to move out and live on your own is not really there.

The point is, family ties in Indian families can both bind and gag. The scope for development of a personal identity that is not tied to family can be more limited. So family exerts a greater pull.

I think that there is also a conception that, as norinew suggested, love = lust. Or rather, that if you are in love/lust, you are blind to what may be serious incompatability issues. If the family selects your mate, it is more likely that she is from a similar socioeconomic class, similar educational background, etc., etc. And the presumption is that you will learn to live together. The popular Western quest for the “soulmate” is viewed with some skepticism, and perhaps rightly so, since the focus on seeking perfection in a partner arguably skips over the fact that marriage is work even for “soulmates.” The idea with arranged marraiges is that you and your mate have already been pre-screened for compatability and compatability of the families, so things should be smoother.

Just random pre-coffee thoughts . . .

17

Thanks to all for your insights! Don’t be silly and worry about the length…the more detail, the better.

Actually, I had a talk with my mom on the whole subject a year or so ago, in relation to some flak jeevmon was getting from his parents at the time. (Well-meaning flak, but flak nonetheless.) Just for a clue about my own perspective, my own background is basic East European Jewish mutt (think Fiddler on the Roof), and as many of you are probably aware, there is no shortage of pressure in most Jewish families to settle down with a “nice Jewish boy.” Luckily for me, my family is pretty open-minded, and even my grandparents would probably be happy at this point (I’m 34) to see me settle down with a nice guy, Jewish or not. Some of my cousins have married Jews, and some haven’t (although one marriage to a non-Jew didn’t last, and one non-Jew converted to Judaism). But all in all, the arranged marriage concept isn’t too far into the distant past for my culture.

So anyway, I was talking to my mom about jeevmon’s situation, and commented that I felt really lucky that I was at least a couple of generations removed from the whole arranged marriage debacle. Mom’s response floored me, as she has rarely stuck her nose into my love life unless she thinks I’m being a doormat or something…”Well, **Eva, ** I don’t know. Maybe it wouldn’t have been such a bad thing for me to pick a guy for you. I mean, I care about you, and I know you pretty well, and I would pick with your best interests at heart.”

All I could think was yeah, and your choices worked out so well for you and Dad; in spite of coming from near-identical backgrounds (college-educated, middle-class Jewish kids from New Jersey, neither of whom has any obvious shortcomings like alcohol, drugs, or philandering), they’ve been quite acrimoniously divorced for the past 20-some years. How the heck would they have ever agreed on my choice of spouse? They can’t even deal with being in the same room with each other!

Interesting that nobody has noted the correlation between cultures where arranged marriages are common, and cultures where there is a high level of stigma placed on divorce and/or women living without a male head of the household. Any further thoughts on that? It seems like this would place a fair amount of pressure on women to remain married, no matter how miserable they might be. In my line of work, I get to see a fair number of Indian family situations, and I have yet to deal with a single divorced Indian.

18

Well, it’s not as if there are no divorced Indians - any time spent looking through an online matchmaking service like shaadi.com will demonstrate that. :wink: But it does seem as though the women would get the short end of the stick in such circumstances.

A FOAF story - a beautiful and accomplished woman, now about 30 years old, was in an arranged marriage with a guy who turned out to be abusive. (My friend’s description of this situation was that the guy “treated her like an animal.”) Finally she couldn’t take it any more, took her young son and left the guy, immediately ending up in rather dire straits here for financial reasons, as her visa status at the time didn’t allow her to work. I’m not clear on what happened next, but it seems that in spite of finally getting some sort of employment, she had such difficulty juggling work (the job had long hours and was inflexible) and caring for her son (who was suffering the residual effects of that poisonous marriage) that she decided to go back to her parents in India. Now she is making plans to return to the US, this time on her own H1-B visa, even though life as a single mom here will still be difficult. The reasons? Her divorced status at home has made her something of a pariah, and even though her parents would look after her, she can’t stand the social isolation any more and fears for her son’s mental health under the circumstances. Moreover, traditionally an unmarried daughter above the age of 25 is considered a real problem for the family, one that needs to be rectified as quickly as possible - but there is little chance her parents would succeed in getting her married again given her status, so she would simply exist as an unending source of worry and concern for them.

Her best chance at achieving something of a happy existence is in coming back here, where there is so much less stigma attached to being divorced. She might even find someone willing to marry her, and if she does, chances are that it will be a divorced man, or else someone who was born and raised here.

As for her ex? He’s already remarried, started on a new life, no apparent worries. :mad:

19

jeevmon’s point fits very well into what you are saying. Why do Indian parents do “so much” for the kids? May be it has to do with the fact the kids don’t work outside in high school relying solely on parent’s $$$ and don’t take loans to attend college, and stay at their parent’s place even while working!

It looks like the kids stay with the parents and consume their resources for their complete education.

I am curious to find out how indebted kids in the US feel towards their parents especially when their parents pay them through college and take great care of them in general.

20

Well, I think that in the U.S. particularly, there is more of a stigma attached to living with your parents after a certain age (or within a certain age range). From both the parents’ side and the child’s side. Considering that a lot of American parents also fully fund their children’s education, I have a hard time thinking that it’s just an Indian thing, so the idea that Indian parents necessarily “do more” for their kids is somewhat suspect.

What is an Indian thing, at least in India in my albeit limited experience, is that there is no stigma associated with living at your parents’ or relative’s house after attaining your age of majority. We tend to view as odd a 30 year old man or woman who is still living with his/her parents, absent exigent circumstances (e.g. health, divorce, etc.) But there is no similar stigma attached to, say, my 28 year old cousin and his wife living in his parents’ apartment on an indefinite basis. So the idea that there is some point at which you are to strike out on your own is less prevalent. You’re always still a child, and getting married to who your parents choose is not conceptually different than eating your beans.