My apartment is infested with what seem to be beetles, roughly one eighth of an inch in size. They are light brown and black in a v pattern. They seem to have a hard pair of armor wings over a pair of flying wings. One made a clicking noise when I picked it up.
I’ve tried opening a dialogue to discover where they come from and what they want, but they refuse to come to the negotiating table.
If you don’t get an answer here, put a couple of 'em in a baggie and take 'em down to the Penn State Extension office.
With a map and everything. Your Tax Dollars At Work. This was my favorite part:
Yeah, that’s probly a good idea. Um, is that, like, a Philly issue or something? 
Carpet beetles, maybe?
http://www.entomology.wisc.edu/diaglab/04images/504carpet-beetle.jpg
The pattern isn’t quite right but the colors are. The Terminix site I just visited also suggests carpet beetles.
Assuming they are carpet beetles, how do I get rid of them?
I’m with crowmanyclouds, especially given this picture. If you want a more positive ID, check the Beetle Archives at “What’s That Bug?” – they’ve got something like seven pages of painstakingly identified beetles.
The click beetle is the wrong shape and has too prominent a head to be the bug in question. It looks to be some kind of carpet beetle.