I have been in Payroll and HR for 10 years now. Every payday in every one of those 10 years I have passsed out paychecks to a varying number of employees just like you. Every payday you say the same exact thing. Let me issue a blanket response now because very soon I will start responding an with automatic weapon
Yes, I know you’re glad to see me on payday
Yes, I know your money is already spent, mine is too
That’s very funny but no, I did not include an extra
thousand in your paycheck. If I was going to start
handing out extra money I would start with myself.
No, I don’t know how much vacation time you have.
Believe it or not, I do not memorize the available time
for every employee in this building. You’re going to
have to get up off your lazy ass and come to my office.
Again, that’s very funny but no, you cannot have the
paychecks of people who are not here today. Those
paychecks go towards the Payroll Retirement/Bail/Prescription Fund.
In the future please just take your fucking check and say “Thank You, Payroll Goddess. I am a worthless piece of shit and am privledged for you to have shone your attention upon me.”
Typical rant, coming from an HR/Payroll person. They know they’re the most hated people in the company, yet you try to be nice to them and they go ballistic. Sheesh!
But seriously, I hate comments like that and any canned response. Why do people have to tell you something they know you must’ve heard a million times? Or are they just so stupid that they think it’s a very original thing to say?
This kind of thing is in the same vein as making fun of guys named Dick, or in my biz (nuclear medicine), “Oh, am I going to glow in the dark now? Har Har!” I just quietly think to myself, “Yes, you are going to glow in the dark, and in the light, and your testicles are going to shrivel up, and your babies are going to be born with three legs, and your hair will fall out, and and and…”
Daniel,
Before Lnix comes in here, skewers you and puts you on a spit, here’s my take. Around here, even if you have direct deposit, a check “stub” is still printed out, enveloped, and handed out on payday. This way us goat felching employees can annoy the payroll department AND make sure our checks are correct!
I’ve heard of some companies that have encrypted websites that contain paystub info, but I don’t think it’s that common. If you don’t get a check or a stub, how do you check your money or your accrued vacation? (or tax deductions for that matter)
The company I work for has multiple buildings. Everytime I go to the other main munufacturing building, this one guy always says
“Hey, they let you out of the dungeon?”
< Sigh > Yeah, that was really funny the first dozen times I heard that. No, really. I mean that. Please, keep saying that coming to me every fucking time I see you. It just cracks me up everytime. Seriously.
yeah… I’ve been a waitress at a burger restaurant for 5 years and I’ve heard them all. If you can’t beat em, join em.
Me: “How would you like that cooked?”
Them: “On a grill”
Me: “Oh…so not in the microwave?”
Me: “Is there anything else you need?”
Them: “Yeah, a million dollars.”
Me: “If I find it lying around…it’s yours”
Me: "Did you want dessert?
Them: “No”
Me: “I’ll leave your check and you can pay at the register.”
Them: “We don’t want that either”
Me: “I’ll check around and see if anyone else wants it then.”
Well, I guess I do the same thing from time to time. I’m not really trying to be exceptionally cute and innovative, but rather friendly and do something besides grunt and take the check. Of course, my company has fewer people than your seems to, so at least they don’t hear it quite as many times.
Having read your post though, I’ll make an effort to not say any of the above things (or at least some up with a new pithy saying).
I haven’t worked in payroll, but having spent a lot of time in the service industry, I’ve heard a lot of the same things as jjjfishe.
I know that they’re trying to be friendly, and it’s just their way of making a small joke. It’s a shame I’ve heard it so often before, but I do understand that they’re not trying to be repetitive.
I amused myself by trying to come up with as many different answers as I could. I may have heard the questions before, but at least one of us can be original, and keep the conversation varied. I found that my usual customers would start saying the same thing everytime, just to see what response I would come up with this time.
I am truly sorry my joy at receiving the pittance you hand me every two weeks causes you such distress. I will try and remain quiet and docile when I see HR in the future.
I will not do my happy dance of joy or try to treat you as a human being and annoy you with my small talk. You are not a human being-- you are a Goddess. I will endeavor to not even look apon the face of the Goddess; I will just mutely take my pittance and quiver with gratitude.
Oh godess of the checks, may I offer in sacrifice at your feet this lamb (you’re not vegetarian are you? I’ll make it a soy plant if so…), and pray for your favor. May our checks be on time and may you be pleased with our unworthy selves so that you may see fit to contnue delivering them unto us. May you always find your way easily to my isle, where I will welcome you with fresh sacrifice each pay day. Amen.
::bowing, humbly::
Sili
PS - our checks are mailed, no hassle for payroll godess that way.
