I aspire to become a writer of fiction/fantasy, and I’d like some educated opinions on a small sample from my writing. I need to know if I’m on a good track or not.
It’s part of a fantasy story, when a character is getting introduced…
Not during his entire development cycle, his mind designed itself in all of the natural forms, as well as some unique ones, most prominently the immediate refining of a willed mastery in total sensory and memory recall. From his earliest moment as a newborn child, his mind had automatically begun a mental recording, a commitment to the moment and all that it had to offer to the five senses.
The white air a baby sees after his eyes open is commonplace. Scenery will normally be distinguished by color and brightness soon after the liberation from the fetus stage, providing optical stimuli in what must surely be “new” forms. The wide scale of vision in a human eye can be alot to accept, having formerly been unaware of the sensation, and when Gideon breached the borders of the maternal world his pupils contracted immediately to tolerable sizes, absorbing in the normal spectrum after his eyes had opened beyond the womb. A shine of great amazement burned into his optimally processive mind in a passionate ferocity. Had he known the name of the color in his eye, a brown bronze of copper, he would be able to explain the jagged translucent sheen in the perimiter of his view. This was the result of fantastically sharp vision on a macroscopic scale combined with a naturally healthy eye.
Any criticism will be appreciated. Thanks!