Please judge my writing sample: is it too "thick"?

In My Humble Opinion (IMHO)
#1

I aspire to become a writer of fiction/fantasy, and I’d like some educated opinions on a small sample from my writing. I need to know if I’m on a good track or not.

It’s part of a fantasy story, when a character is getting introduced…

Not during his entire development cycle, his mind designed itself in all of the natural forms, as well as some unique ones, most prominently the immediate refining of a willed mastery in total sensory and memory recall. From his earliest moment as a newborn child, his mind had automatically begun a mental recording, a commitment to the moment and all that it had to offer to the five senses.
The white air a baby sees after his eyes open is commonplace. Scenery will normally be distinguished by color and brightness soon after the liberation from the fetus stage, providing optical stimuli in what must surely be “new” forms. The wide scale of vision in a human eye can be alot to accept, having formerly been unaware of the sensation, and when Gideon breached the borders of the maternal world his pupils contracted immediately to tolerable sizes, absorbing in the normal spectrum after his eyes had opened beyond the womb. A shine of great amazement burned into his optimally processive mind in a passionate ferocity. Had he known the name of the color in his eye, a brown bronze of copper, he would be able to explain the jagged translucent sheen in the perimiter of his view. This was the result of fantastically sharp vision on a macroscopic scale combined with a naturally healthy eye.

Any criticism will be appreciated. Thanks!

#2

Here’s a lay opinion on fiction:

Personally, I’d lose interest quickly if I was reading this for fun. It’s too complicated for its own good.

As a lawyer, I read big words all day written by people who love to write in big words. I don’t want to have to shovel through the stuff when I read for fun. Keep it simple, plain English, using the big words more sparingly for effect.

In response to the OP, “yes.”

#3

I’m with Bearflag70.

Tell me/us in plain english what you mean in the first sentance.
Then, perhaps I/we can evaluate the rest of your compositon sample.

#4

Yeah, I can understand that. Obviously, it’s what I was skeptical about. I tend to be too business and too literal.

Bearflag70: “I’d lose interest quickly if I was reading this for fun.”

I was hoping it would be too interesting to be boring. Damn my tempered ego :slight_smile: .

#5

spingears, here’s the first sentence you would like described (edited for grammar corrections):

Not during his entire developmental cycle had his mind designed itself in all of the natural forms, as well as some unique ones,* most prominently the immediate refining of a willed mastery in total sensory and memory recall.

*In short I want to tell the reader that he was born with “total recall”, the power to remember/absolutely everything he senses. His mind literally begins recording from the moment he is born, and in more ways than any human has been sensitive to. Since this is just a short bit from a larger story, you might wonder ‘for what purpose?’ I guess I should have submitted a bit more.

There are alot of adjectives in that sentence. That’s probably the biggest problem.

How is the alliteration?

#6

criminalcatalog, "NOT during his entire…, to me means that the ensuing development did not occur.

I have read and read the passage several timesand I still come up with the negation of the message you want to convey.

What am I missing?
Alliteration ok, just don’t overdo it.

#7

I understand this. I didn’t understand what you said in the snippet you offered. Your goal is communication, not showing off your vocabulary or an ability to write complex sentences. Each sentence should induce your reader to keep reading. I find your paragraph very dense–the idea is an interesting one but it’s getting lost in big words and complex sentences. Simplify.

#8

Well I suppose that’s one of the things that’s undeveloped in my writing. It’s difficult for me to simplify “the exact thing I want to say” without sacrificing key concepts. Something I’ll get over, eventually.

spingears, I can see that. What I intend to say is, “Not during his entire existence”, since there’s not much to “experience” in the womb when compared to the outer world.

#9

As a law student, I read a lot of dense stuff. Your paragraph is denser than most. I think you are trying too hard. Don’t feel the need to impress the reader with every sentance, just tell the story, and make use of adjectives where needed and where they will have the most impact, not simply where possible. I think you have some good ideas, but they are getting lost in the thickness of the prose.

#10

Thanks for all the comments, your replies have told me alot. It’s nice to know that you can count on the right answers at the SDMB.

#11

You want to convey the maximum meaning with the minimum verbage.

Excellent advice is after the first draft go through and cross out half.

My eyes glazed over after the second sentance and I understood none of what you were trying to say. You want the reader immersed in your story not lost in the words on the page. Best stuff I’ve ever read didn’t feel like reading at all but like living inside the characters.

Good luck :slight_smile:

#12

My eyes glazed over by the second sentence, also. Watch your sentence lengths. Too many overly long sentences in a row will lose your reader’s interest. And your first sentence isn’t a complete sentence. I’d drop it and start with “From his earliest moment as a newborn child, his mind had automatically begun a mental recording, a commitment to the moment and all that it had to offer to the five senses,” and make these changes: “From his birth (or conception if that’s the point you’re trying to convey), his mind automatically began a mental recording, a commitment to the moment and all that it had to offer to the five senses.”

#13

Pretty much what has already been expressed. I had thought to re-write part of this for you, as an example. However, the brief effort scrambled my brain.

I can’t tell what you are trying to communicate here:

“Not during his entire developmental cycle had his mind designed itself in all of the natural forms, as well as some unique ones,* most prominently the immediate refining of a willed mastery in total sensory and memory recall.”

If I hadn’t read your explanations, I’d have no idea of what you were trying to convey in the above sentence.

Perhaps try something like:

“Garth’s total recall began with the white light he saw at the moment of his birth.”? That could lead the reader to continue, rather than discard your work as indecipherable.

Not trying to be mean here, but you’ll have to “lighten up” before the reading public will go past two sentences.

#14

Yep, just as I suspected. Thanks for the advice.

#15

:dubious: Get thee to some Hemingway!