"Please stay, I can't make it on my own." /Offspring

The BBQ Pit
1

Right now, I’m talking to my boyfriend. He and I were going to try to get together for Thanksgiving. I’m in college in Indiana; he lives in Michigan. I we don’t get to see each other very often.

As often happens, especially in love, the plans fell through. My parents simply refused to allow me to spend any portion of my Thanksgiving vacation with him. My mom says that she misses me too much to allow me to go see him, even if it’s only for a few days of the break. It needn’t even be on Thanksgiving Day, I said, to no avail. His mom even called her, and tried to convince her to let me come. No dice.

Being a spineless girl, I don’t want to disobey my parents. We’ve been on shaky terms for a while, now, and I don’t want them to do something rash, such as disowning me. Aside from the fear is the fact that I basically respect my mother. She’s one of my best friends. I don’t want to hurt her.

But my boyfriend is down. Very down. He’s talking about suicide.

The one person on this Earth whom I would kill or die for, the one person who keeps me sane, whom I love completely not out of blood, but of my own free will, doesn’t want to keep on living. I’ve been there before. I know how it feels. I know the pain that goes with it, that it’s not just the desire to die that gets to you. It hurts. It’s physical, and it hurts.

I want to stop his pain. I don’t mean by allowing him to die, because he’s got so much ahead of him. And I couldn’t deal with it if he died anyway. I wouldn’t just be losing a significant other; I’d be losing a dear friend. I’d be losing someone who has stayed with me through bad and worse, and who has always tried to make my life better. Who knows if I want to keep him here out of love for him and compassion, or for my own good.

God, I would take it if I could. I’d take the depression, the horrible thoughts; I can handle it! I don’t know if he can, though. And I’m going to be unable to sleep until I see him again…and that looks to be two weeks from now. I just want him to stop hurting, and I’d do anything to do that.

Except, apparently, disobey my parents.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should just go anyway, or offer words, or just end it here so he isn’t upset that I’m not coming.

I just want him to stop hurting.

Why do my parents have to do this?! Why do I have to be such an important part of his life, why do I have to be the one to make him hurt?! What in God’s name do I do?

What do I do now, Dopers? Please tell me, because I have no fucking idea what comes next.

2

First off, how serious is this threat? Has he done it before? Do his parents know? How concerned are they?

Second, what is he doing about it? Is he seeing a counselor? Taking medication?

Speaking as someone with a few miles on my odometer, the last person you want to get involved with is someone who’s suicidal. It’s a losing game. You’re not in control and generally there’s little for you to do except suffer and worry. Is this the way you want to spend you’re life?

When you’re in a depression – and I’ve been there – your loved ones cannot reach you. It’s like you’re in a pit of your own making, and you’ve drawn the cover over yourself. You hear what people are saying, but they cannot touch you.

All that you can do, assuming you’re committed to him, is encourage him to get any kind of support at all. We can’t diagnose the severity of his condition through you, so we can offer little advice in that direction, but you need to get some answers to the above questions, then decide what YOU’RE going to do about yourself. Because no matter what happens, you’re going to have very little effect on the outcome. And it’s not your fault. This is his struggle.

3

maybe you could explain to your parents that he needs you, and why. there’s no way they could hold seeing you for another couple days over the life of a fellow human being.

4

Man, your sig is sure the truth, isn’t. If I got hit from all sides by that much emotional abuse, I spend my Thanksgiving in Honolulu. Alone.

You’re what? 18? 19? I can’t imagine using the word “obey” in reference to my parents at that age. Sure, families always have to take each others needs into account, especially around the holidays. But you are essentially and adult and your parents need to back off.

Your boyfried needs help, and not necessarily from you. He emotionally blackmail you with threats of suicide and you’re worried about him. Sorry to be so harsh, but doormat is not a good career choice for you.

I’m glad to know you don’t what to hurt your mother and consider her a friend. But friends aren’t supposed to hurt you–and hiding it under the cover of “missing you so much” is extremely unfair to you.

What I would do is start working on getting financially independent of your parents.

5

At some point in your life, you’re going to have to make the break from your parents. I’m not saying you have to cut them off entirely, but you will need to start considering your needs over their needs in certain instances. This may be one of those instances. If the guy means as much to you as you say he does, you should probably go be with him. Your parents will need to understand that you are an adult now, and that you are going to make some of your own decisions.

Of course, you should also weigh this against practical considerations, such as: “If I go see my boyfriend, are my parents going to stop paying for my college education?”

It’s a tough call. I have a great relationship with my mom; we’re extremely close. But on occasion I’ve had to go against her wishes, as much as it pains us both. It’s part of adult life.

Also, if your boyfriend is talking about suicide, you probably want to try to get him into some kind of counseling. I was always taught to take suicide threats seriously, no matter what the circumstances. It sounds like he could use the services of a professional counselor, regardless. You’ll be able to provide comfort and support while you’re there (if you’re able to go), but what happens when you leave? Besides which, speaking from experience, it’s very difficult as an untrained layperson to provide the kind of support that a suicidal person really needs. Try your best to get him into therapy.

Best of luck to both of you. I hope it works out.

6

Per pesch the last thing you need at this juncture in your life is a manic depressive emotional vampire threating suicide because he can’t be with you. If he is truly serious you are dealing with brain-body bio-chemistry issues and there is very little, in practical terms, that you can do for him. You need to call his parents and arrange for a psychiatric intervention where he can be counseled and institutionalized if necessary.

I had a similar situation when I was young and immature enough to think that I could help a situation like this. I was wrong and here is a little free advice you will not take but I must give.

RUN AWAY FROM HIM! RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN! HE WILL NEVER REALLY CHANGE AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. EVENTUALLY HE WILL SUCK YOU DOWN INTO HIS EMOTIONAL SEPTIC TANK. GET AWAY FROM HIM!

You will of course do nothing of the kind because you convinced that your love and support can make it all better. You’re wrong. Call some mental health professionals.

7

What everyone else said.

But I am worried aobut your use of the word “obey”.

That makes me very uneasy.

8

Thank you all for the adivice.

In the past few hours, the scene has changed dramatically. He went to see his counselor after a a long interim of constant bitching from yours truly. He still feels shitty, and it’s not entirely as a “result” of my not being able to visit.

A few things that might clarify the situation:

He didn’t threaten suicide to me. He seemed down, so I asked one of his friends what was wrong. That friend was the one who told me.

Per astro’s “manic depressive emotional vampire” comment–he’s not bipolar/manic-depressive. I, on the other hand, am. :o. I suppose it’s possible that I’m dragging him down. I’ve never, until these past 24 hours, seen him down. Witnessing that hit me hard. And knowing what it feels like…I’d do anything to keep him from that.

Even, as it seems to be at this point, leaving.

Thank you.