Wow, I always thought my first post would be in MPSIMS, but this thread really hits a sore spot for me.
I nearly died during the emergency c-section delivery of my first (and only) child 3 1/2 years ago and people still harass me. I have since been diagnosed with lupus which explains why I gave the docs so much trouble. Most days I can barely walk and breathe due to the pain in my knees and ribs. When they ask me, “When are you going to have another?” it’s like they’re completely oblivious. I can barely hold down a job and care for the child I have (thank goodness for my FABULOUS hubby), but they think I can just stop all my meds and grow another human at their request. I always planned on having two, but I think it would be supremely stupid for me to die in the process of growing or delivering a second child. I’m thankful for the one I have and they should be, too.
At least my sister-in-law gets it. She actually offered to carry a baby for me and I nearly cried. Now I just need a few thousand spare dollars for the procedures.
Spare yourself additional heartache and start telling them to back off.
Whoa, whoa…I only meant that in a lot of cases, the Knowing Look may be completely unconscious. Less “that’s what you think” and more of a nostalgic “that’s what I thought.” A deliberate smirk is just shitty.
I’m a little puzzled as to what you’re calling the Knowing Look. The only one I’m familiar with is the one where the eyebrows raise, the mouth purses and pulls to one side, and the entire face says, “Yeah, we all know better than that.” If it helps you picture it any better, it’s the exact same look people get when they hear about someone’s 10-pound “premature” baby.
In my experience, the Knowing Look was something like “yeah, you think you’re not going to get pregnant right away?” Like they’d never heard of the Pill or something.
Yes!!!
Oh my god. My husband and I were together for two years before we got married. We got married on very short notice, because we didn’t want a big wedding and instead went to Vegas and did something for our honeymoon that we wanted to do that was time-sensitive.
As soon as I told people we were getting married in a week, I got “Oh my god, you’re pregnant!” Like that is the only reason to marry someone! I was only 20, but we’d been together for two years!
Once I had our daughter (After about 2 years of marriage.) I started getting the “So, when are you going to give her a little brother or sister?” questions. My god, people, give the ol’ uterus some time to rest! God forbid I tell them I don’t plan on giving her a little brother or sister, because then I get the “But she’ll be lonely/spoiled/etc.” arguments. I usually tell them “Are you going to pay for me to raise another child? Are you going to start up a college fund for her? No?” and they quit, at least for that conversation. :smack:
The thing I really hate about the “when” question is that [i/these things can’t be scheduled*. I’ll have a baby within about nine months of getting pregnant. If I have no fertility problems, I should get pregant withing about four to six months after starting to try. If I have fertility problems, this may be years. I know so many people who have struggled through fertility problems that I’d never dream of asking “when.” What a horribly awkward, painful question to someone who doesn’t have kids due to a series of miscarriages or five years of infertility.
I don’t find the “are” question nearly as prying - it may be none of their business, but its less presumtive - it allows you to say “no” or “we haven’t decided yet” or “we’d really like to, but we have some fertility issues.” Or MYOB.
Though the when question does kind of make me want to give a smartass answer. June 26, 2009.
(Speaking rhetorically here. I planned for two. I got two. I got them both in ways I didn’t imagine when I started planning for either of them, but I’m done.)
I married into a family that thinks, for the most part, that a woman’s job is to be a baby factory. It’s common for a baby to arrive nine to 12 months after a wedding in this family. My husband and I are not interested in kids, at least not now. Of course that could change, and we’re perfectly willing to accept a child into out home if I get pregnant. But having been married for almost four years with no sign of kids just kills people in his family (and some in mine, too). My mother-in-law used to ask me all the time, until I finally said, “You know, every time someone asks me when we’re going to have kids, I mark it down as another year I’m going to wait. As of right now, it looks like we’ll be 76.” She hasn’t asked since. I often just tell people the truth, that we’re too selfish to have kids right now. And if I want people to know how hurtful it can be to ask that question, I say, "Did you ever stop to think that I might not be able to have kids?