So last night I’m out on the back porch enjoying the night air with my roomate, his GF, and her 6yo daughter.
The 6yo is wearing a dress. She’s sitting on a chair when she decides she wants to hike her legs up on the table exposing herself for the whole world to see.
All the while she’s doing this she’s carrying on trying to be a part of the conversation.
While I’m familiar with this girl I’m keeping my mouth shut because hey, it’s not my kid. Anyway, I keep looking over at the mother waiting for her to say something but she NEVER DOES!
Finally, I speak up and say to the girl exactly this:
“Hon, put your legs down. OK? That’s not lady like.”
The girl does so with out hesitation.
But now the mom starts in on me like I’m some sort of creep for even noticing something like that.
Look I’m a Dad. I felt like that was coming from a fatherly place.
In retrospect I guess I could have left off the “That’s not lady like” bit, but still.
I would say, yes. It’s just really not cool to correct a kid when there is a parent right there. Not a huge deal, but I would have been annoyed had that been my child you corrected.
As a mom of two used-to-be-little girls, I don’t think you were out of line. “Not a good idea to sit like that in a dress” is one of those things little girls need to remember. Nobody needs to see underwear. Maybe her mom didn’t say anything because it was kind of casual “family” type situation, but it won’t always be, and if she doesn’t learn now, she won’t know later.
How do you know that you read her look correctly? Had I been the mom, I would have been offended by the “That’s not ladylike,” because of the gender stereotypes that implies. However, saying, “You have to remember you’re wearing a dress,” would have been perfectly acceptable for me.
ETA: Oh, sorry, I misread “starts in on me” as “stares at me.” I’m curious as to what she said, now, and how you responded.
I am the father of an almost 2 year old daughter and a 5 year old daughter. There is no problem with what you said. What would the counterpoint be?: “MY DAUGHTER CAN HIKE HER DRESS UP TO ANY PERSON SHE CHOOSES AT ANYTIME AND ANY PLACE!”
There seems to be a very bad trend going on in the world of parenting. Some people seem to think that only a child’s biological parents can ever reprimand a child. That view is simply reprehensible in and of itself. It presents the parent as a deity and everyone else as a subordinate. Children aren’t raised exclusively by their parents (and there is a serious problem if they are). There are lots of people involved and a good mix of caring people is both the natural order and it works out for everyone. The parents are the leaders but that doesn’t mean it has to be an ironclad dictatorship.
Actually, in thinking about it since my first response, #1, this falls way below the level of “creepy,” so, yeah. And #2, when I said I would have been annoyed, a child of mine would have already been corrected in her behavior BY ME, so this never would have happened.
Exactly. You didn’t want to see that, it was completely inappropriate, and it was the 800-lb. gorilla in the room. Of Course she needed to put her legs down. What the hell were her parents waiting for? Dollar bills stuffed in her belt? That the parent snapped at you is her response to being shown up publicly for her poor parenting skills, not you being a ‘perv’. Don’t you dare let her talk you into thinking it was otherwise…
I would have had to restrain myself from throttling the mom if she said something so vile to me. Insinuating that someone is gazing at young girls is a serious thing these days.
I dunno. I still have a humiliating memory from when I was 4 or 5, right at the borderline where running around in a loose T-shirt and panties wasn’t really acceptable anymore. I had been in bed and got up to use the restroom and my older sister’s boyfriend was coming down the hall and he said something (I don’t even remember the words) about me being naked, and for the first time in my life, I was. I can’t even explain why it was so humiliating, but I suddenly felt like I’d shamed myself in front of this strange man (and an 18 year old is a man to a little girl) and while I didn’t know how to articulate it, there was something strangely sexual in that shame–not that I thought he was attracted to him, more like that he found me disgusting. It’s hard to explain, but it really messed me up for a long time. All my “naked in public” nightmares to this day involve me wearing a t-shirt and panties. My mom saying something similar would not have had the same result.
If it was making you that uncomfortable, I think you should have just made your excuses and left.
It’s a good point. I was reading a blog on body image and one of the questions posed to the readers was when did they become more conscious of their bodies/lose their innocence about their bodies. A lot of the times it was disturbing stuff like idiot parents making remarks about how their daughters entering puberty need to start losing weight, or sexual abuse…but sometimes it was more every day things. I guess I’m thinking that for this girl that could be the moment. I’m not sure there’s a “right” way to handle these things, but there’s definitely a wrong one.
I have no children, but I’ve been known to engage in similar unladylike behavior. If it hadn’t been for someone looking out for my best interests (like my husband ), there’d have been more than one time that I’d have embarrassed everyone within ear / eye shot and I’d probably never learn that I shouldn’t do certain things. What can I say? I’m a real ingrained tomboy.
So in that context, I think you did a valuable service.
Well, but I think getting out of bed in you PJs is different then putting your feet up on the table at someone else’s house. In this case the boyfriend is out of line - he is the guest, and even adults get passes for being in bedtime clothes in their own house. But in this case the girl is wearing (I assume) a proper daytime dress, and she is the guest. And while I am not a parent I think six (ie, schoolage) is old enough to know the difference.
Left his own back porch? No, I’m sorry. I’m not a fan of people making me uncomfortable in my own house. I think that other kids should behave in my home the way I would make my kids behave in THEIR home and that includes not showing their underwear to strange men they don’t know.
It doesn’t matter who is in the right. The point is, having a man tell you that you’re sexually inappropriate, even if you can’t put it in those terms, is humiliating. He should, in the future, avoid humiliating little girls, even if he has the moral high ground over their sub-standard parents.
), there’d have been more than one time that I’d have embarrassed everyone within ear / eye shot and I’d probably never learn that I shouldn’t do certain things. What can I say? I’m a real ingrained tomboy.